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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 09:40

No, she brings it out, DN blows out his candles, and then she takes it away again and says she'll cut it later.

OP posts:
NewYoiker · 07/05/2019 09:41

Yanbu at all! Fancy cakes take time and you want to enjoy it

ChicCroissant · 07/05/2019 09:41

If he was liable to chuck a tantrum, I'd have been tempted to issue every small child with a mini cupcake and candle at the time you were singing happy birthday to your own DD so everyone could blow one out at the same time! He's not the centre of attention then and it's still the birthday girl who has the big, flash cake with the candle.

Having said that, I am fairly sure that we used to relight candles on adult cakes for children to blow out at family parties or ask for 'help'.

But I think this is more about your SIL - you don't like her and didn't want to let her son blow the candles out.

Damntheman · 07/05/2019 09:41

Tommee we need to see the cake now!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 09:42

Bloody hell. If I'm being forever to a kids party I better be getting cake. I'd be asking her when it's coming out.

bellabasset · 07/05/2019 09:42

YANBU For hygiene reasons I have seen candles being put on a small cake, with none on the larger cake that is cut. I use sparklers so they don't get blown out, everyone sings happy birthday and a wish is made.

Your dh needs to tell SIL that dn cannot demand to blow out candles for every birthday, she is being unfair to him to make this anti social habit an expectation.

YemenRoadYemen · 07/05/2019 09:43

You sound extremely uptight and full of yourself.

What, because she goes to the effort of making a decent cake, instead of getting some crap, sub-standard 'grocery store' job...?!

Happyandglorious · 07/05/2019 09:43

Was he actually asking/crying to blow out candles?
Sounds like sil also enjoys the vicarious attention of his little ritual.
I would have done exactly the same thing

QuizzlyBear · 07/05/2019 09:44

My DM made a rod for our backs when on every birthday she relit the candles and let every grandchild (there's 8) have a blow. I genuinely thought he understood that this was just a 'grandma' thing.

Then at my eldest DS's best friend's 6th birthday party he popped up like a little birthday-spoiling ninja just as the song was finishing and blew the candles out before his friend had a chance to. His parents were justifiably livid, the boy was crying and my smug little bugger was grinning from ear to ear!

He was read the riot act and banned from parties for a few months and has NEVER tried that sort of shenanigan since! Your SIL is lining herself up for this sort of humiliation if she doesn't nip it in the bud.

jinglet · 07/05/2019 09:47

Yanbu. You're sil is a tit.

Pic of the cake please OP. I'd love to see what it looked like!

Happyandglorious · 07/05/2019 09:50

Just read op's comment that sil :"cried tears of rage" when op had her much longed for daughter.
That tells you all you need to know.
Ok she has the prob not you

Happyandglorious · 07/05/2019 09:50

Op not ok

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 09:50

YANBU your nephew sounds very spoiled. Kind of like my own nephew - SIL brought gifts for him to DS’s birthday party because she didn’t want him to feel left out 🙄

He also snatches all the toys even if they aren’t his, screams Miiinne! if any other child touches a toy and attacks them, and is never disciplined. Needless to say we avoid our nephew as much as possible because of his bratty entitled behaviour. I imagine your nephew’s bratty behaviour extends way beyond just wanting to blow out other people’s cakes!

Squigglesworth · 07/05/2019 09:52

YANBU. Spoiled child, obnoxious SIL-- and at four, it's shocking that he's still grabbing at cakes. Shock Ridiculous.

SlothMama · 07/05/2019 09:52

I'd do the same I wouldn't want someone elses child spitting over the cake, he needs to learn that he can't always blow out the candles. If his Mum really cared she should have stuck a candle in his slice.

JemSynergy · 07/05/2019 09:55

I would have just put a candle in his slice to let him blow out. Keeps everyone happy.

diddl · 07/05/2019 09:58

Here in Germany it's not a thing to have candles on the cake but in a seperate wooden ring.

notangelinajolie · 07/05/2019 10:01

No. Yanbu.

butteryellow · 07/05/2019 10:05

a little birthday-spoiling ninja just as the song was finishing and blew the candles out before his friend had a chance to.

You do have to appreciate his cunning, and control though.... DS2 still takes a couple of tries to blow out his own, yet alone cut in and blow out someone else's Wink

ChicCroissant · 07/05/2019 10:06

My DD declined to blow out her own candles at a party once so I picked a child with the nearest birthday to blow them out instead.

DD - who was extremely shy at the time - liked her party until it got to the bit where everyone was looking at her and singing Happy Birthday. You can't win sometimes Grin

Genevieva · 07/05/2019 10:08

I would have put one candle on the nephew's piece of cake, but told SiL that next year he will not get to blow out a candle, because that is the birthday child' treat.

Onatreebyariver · 07/05/2019 10:08

Wow YANBU.

As you said, imagine if every non birthday child insisted on doing this you’d be there forever. He’s 4 not 2. He can easily understand.

Thank goodness someone in his life (you) is putting boundaries in place. Sounds like his parents need a shake.

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 10:09

My DN went through this phase when he was 2. He’s now 3 and understands. Your sil sounds a bit entitled - it won’t be long before the birthday invites for her son start drying up

PhillipeFellope · 07/05/2019 10:11

Yanbu. My ds is 2.5 and he can't have his own way all the time, he had to learn its not the Phil's DS Show all the time.

LondonJax · 07/05/2019 10:15

YANBU. He's got to learn that blowing out the candles is the birthday child's job - end of story. If he doesn't learn now, he'll be a five year, six year old etc blowing out candles. Eventually he'll become 'that child' like we had at DS's party three years ago - who dived in and blew out the candles BEFORE DS could get to them.

He's (the child) was known for it but DS gave him benefit of the doubt and invited him. I had a word as I put it down and said 'only DS blows out the candles' and the little sod did it anyway (and tried to prod the cake as I put it down).

DS was 9 at the time and old enough to say 'Oi!' - DS was duly rewarded with a smirk. 'That child' wasn't invited to the following year's party. DS didn't want him and I wasn't going to press him to have someone he didn't want.

Your SIL needs to pull on her big girl pants and, along with her partner, deal with her child.