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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
DesparateDino · 07/05/2019 08:30

YANBU, spit makes me gag as well.

It's part of being a parent teaching children that it is not ok to do anything they want.

Mumofone1593 · 07/05/2019 08:31

This year my neice has blown out my candles and my son's first birthday candles! But I honestly don't care about her spit (I guess she's like my second child really) and she loves it so she blows them out the first time round and at 30 I don't really care about blowing out candles anymore! Don't agree with relighting it seems really weird and ultimately it's your choice and SIL shouldn't have stropped when you said no!

SrSteveOskowski · 07/05/2019 08:32

YANBU. Not at all. It's YOUR Dad's birthday and the day is about HER. Your SIL needs to grow up and stop pandering to a 4 year old and make him realise that other childrens birthdays aren't about him

As for some of the posts here saying that the OP should have got the nephew a slice of cake or a cupcake and put a candle in it for him, no she bloody shouldn't!

SrSteveOskowski · 07/05/2019 08:33

*DD's birthday, not Dad's birthday.

Marylou2 · 07/05/2019 08:35

Your nephew isn’t going to change any time soon. Ideally to avoid a row just stick a candle in a cupcake and give it to him at the same time as you sing happy birthday. I’d say “ I know you love blowing out candles “ with a huge cheesy grin on my face. That way you’re the good person here. Let them deal with their bratty kit later. Agree about spit, beyond disgusting!

Acis · 07/05/2019 08:37

If DN is 4, you have probably done him a favour. He's at the age when he would normally get invited to parties by children at nursery or school, but that is going to come to an end very quickly if he expects to blow out the candles and trash their cake every time.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 08:39

SIL tries to get people to sing Happy birthday again?! But it isn't DN's Birthday? And they clap and cheer him on? I'm honestly shocked. Why are adults so happy to encourage bratty, attention seeking behaviors in children? I'm not trying to sound old but honestly, i'd have never heard or seen of that happening when I was a kid at birthday parties.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/05/2019 08:39

Forget the spit the child needs to learn he isn’t the centre of attention all the time- what will he do when a bit older and at his friends parties?

HennyPennyHorror · 07/05/2019 08:40

You did the right thing! What a spoiled child he sounds. Does she do that at his friend's parties too? He won't get many invitations if she does.

He's going to be 5 soon...then 6 and so on...will he be allowed to then? You did her a favour.

Thisnamechanger · 07/05/2019 08:41

I've seen her trying to get Happy Birthday sung again for DN as he blows out the candles, which so far hasn't happened, but everyone does end up clapping and cheering him

This is completely insane.

daisypond · 07/05/2019 08:42

You handled it just right. And no need to give out a piece of cake with a candle on so he could blow it out either. That would be encouraging his bratty behaviour as well.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/05/2019 08:44

Oh please encourage everyone else at the Nephew’s birthday party to have a turn blowing out the candles!!!!

PeachesAndMayo · 07/05/2019 08:45

No, YANBU. SIL and DN need to learn boundaries and a bit of respect for other people.

MashPotatoMashPotato · 07/05/2019 08:49

I thought your post was about not letting the actual birthday child blow their candles out! I think you are right to not let your nephew in this case. We sometimes let our daughter relight grandparent’s cakes, but they are obviously happy to let her, this doesn’t extend to other children’s party’s though. Like you say imagine if 20 children all wanted a turn, you’d have an inedible spit and wax covered mess at the end of it.

TheTreeHearsYourSecret · 07/05/2019 08:50

Does DN have other children blow out candles on his cake?

Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:52

I think the other adults clap and cheer to be polite, and because SIL tends to hop around going "ARE YOU GOING TO BLOW THE CANDLES OUT NOW DN? ARE YOU? ONE TWO THREE" and you can't not really, can you

OP posts:
Kennehora · 07/05/2019 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSerenDipitY · 07/05/2019 08:55

i would have kept blankly replying that its not his birthday so he doesnt get candles and the song

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 07/05/2019 08:55

Wow. YADNBU. What's going to happen when he gets invited to all the school parties?? Although if he acts like that, he won't get invited to many!!

My thoughts exactly. Reception year will be um interesting.

Thunderwing · 07/05/2019 08:55

My oldest has done this many times - then again, my oldest has special needs and can go into a full blown meltdown when she's told no.

Doesn't stop me telling her no though. I'll be buggered if I 'placate' her for an easy life, she needs to know that she can't always get her way and that life isn't always fair. She's 7 now and although we do occasionally still get a meltdown, she is learning.

YANBU.

User199999999o9o999 · 07/05/2019 08:56

Wow if that boy ever has a younger sibling he's in for a world of shock. Your SIL is doing him a disservice. I'm guess he is never allowed to lose a game either, or come second?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/05/2019 08:58

This is literally the most reasonable OP I’ve ever read on AIBU.

qazxc · 07/05/2019 08:59

YANBU.
You possibly could have done a slice with a candle but it would have continued the cycle of DN getting attention for this and in some way encouraging his bad behaviour around birthday cakes (I'd start getting annoyed at the stamping and screaming, making it about him, when happy birthday is being sung. That's even before he's covered cake in spittle and mauled it). He's 4. old enough to know better.

Aprillygirl · 07/05/2019 08:59

I was going to say that by 4 a child should have learnt that if it's not his birthday he doesn't get to blow out the candles,but it seems like your SIL made more of a fuss than your nephew so I will rephrase that to by 30 a woman should have learnt it's not all about their kid on someone else's birthday.YANBU.

NorthernRunner · 07/05/2019 09:00

What a spoilt brat.

My four year old has never behaved like that but we went to her friends party last December and the friend was awful. Kicking and screaming at the entertainer and then wouldn’t join in, when we went to sing happy birthday she noticed a child wasn’t singing to her so she made everyone sing again, little boy still didn’t join in so the girl told him he couldn’t have a party bag 🤦🏻‍♀️ She is a right princess and it always astounds me how some parents are so accepting and accommodating of this unwanted behaviours.