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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for a baby with partner of 3 months

221 replies

broody19 · 05/05/2019 18:56

I am 39.

Is this madness?

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 05/05/2019 20:03

Madness, but sometimes it works. I met DP and fell pregnant on our first night together. I had done things the 'right' way first time around but still ended up a single parent when my H left me for the OW.

I wanted a baby and decided I could go it alone if need be, after all I was alone with my 9 year old DD.

I met DP online and we talked for a while before meeting, so he was not tricked into anything. Although I was quite prepared for him to leave me anyway, being rather cynical about men at the time due to my ExH treatment of me.

I fell pregnant straight away. DD is nearly 14, we have been together through an awful lot since then. Nearly lost DD, nearly lost me, when having DS.....

We are described by friends as the most solid couple they know.

BUT had he walked away, I know I would have coped! Would you?

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 05/05/2019 20:04

It’s insane to try for a baby with someone you have only just met. You are tying yourself to him for life with no proper knowledge of his suitability to be a parent.

If you are that desperate for a child (and I can understand that need) I think you would be better off paying for a sperm donor than linking yourself forever to someone you don’t yet know.

PlatypusLeague · 05/05/2019 20:04

I'd say go for a sperm donor via a reputable clinic. Sperm will have been tested and quarantined. No ex (if applicable) disagreeing with you or requiring access.

snowdrop6 · 05/05/2019 20:05

My friend did exactly that.they are still together,child is 7 .they tried after 6 weeks and were successful first month

PlatypusLeague · 05/05/2019 20:05

One for the Daily Fail, I expect...

NameChangeSameRage · 05/05/2019 20:10

Yes, but obviously it's your choice!
I would personally be wary even having unprotected sex with someone I'd only known for 3 months.

itisrelevant · 05/05/2019 20:11

YANBU

Don't listen to all the 'its madness' brigade. They all seem to ignore the fact that it is now or never for you. You don't have five years 'to be sure' (and you still can't be sure even then..)

If a baby is a priority for you, then this could be your last chance. As long as you are prepared to be a single mum (and, really, all people who have children should be prepared to be a single parent..) then go for it.

I was with my partner for over a decade before we had kids and our marriage still failed when my eldest was four.

TBH I think you would be mad not to go for it if you really want a baby. If you are more likely to look back and regret not trying for a baby, then you are to look back and regret having a baby, even if you end up as a single parent, then definitely try for a baby.

Best of luck OP

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/05/2019 20:13

If serious both have health checks and testings for hiv etc

Then if both in agreement go for it. Life is too short

Yes may be your last chance

Alicecooperslovechild · 05/05/2019 20:16

If your partner agrees and you are prepared to be (and can afford to be) a single parent if things don't work out, why not?

If your partner doesn't agree, it would be disingenuous I'm afraid.

SoHotADragonRetired · 05/05/2019 20:16

Judging by the relationship boards, for countless people being together years is no guarantee of how a man will be as a father

I dunno, I think in those threads they usually (eventually) admit that he was always selfish/lazy/sexist/controlling but they thought he'd be different as a father.

This thread will attract every story ever on Mumsnet of "I was pregnant the second we clapped eyes on each other despite both being fully dressed, we're still together with 8 more kids and it's 117 years later, and I'm so happy that yesterday I farted glitter", but those stories are a self selecting minority. You need to ask yourself some hard questions before you go ahead with this. If he's literally just Mr Right Now Who Doesn't Object, I would strongly consider the donor sperm route instead. If you really do seem to have strong foundations, you have honestly discussed your beliefs and values around raising children, you've seen the relationships immediately around him (family, friends) and you can financially go it alone... Then I would wait 3 more months and consider it. There is a significant difference IMO between 3 months and 6.

lisamac28 · 05/05/2019 20:17

You have no idea how this man would be as a father

I was with my ex for 4 years before we had a child. He was a doting father for the first year...then he abonded DC and doesn't ever bother with her.

PorterBella · 05/05/2019 20:18

If it's what you both want just do it.

choccybuttonshelpeverything · 05/05/2019 20:19

Yes, I've actually got a friend in this situation. Actively trying after a similar period of time. Absolute madness

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/05/2019 20:20

If you want a non-farting glitter story, my friend got pregnant accidentally during a fling. Her daughter is now eight and she’s only recently got the court to sever all contact. He was a violent alcoholic who has stalked her and, far worse, abused her daughter.

OwlBeThere · 05/05/2019 20:21

people will all say yes. i fell pregnant after a few weeks with my ex, it wasn't ideal and it was hard for a while. but we were together for almost 20 years. and it wasn't to do with our children why we seperated in the end.

happymummy12345 · 05/05/2019 20:22

No. I'd been with my husband for 2 months when we started ttc. And we got married the date we'd been together for 11 months. So within less than a year of meeting we were married with a baby on the way. I was 22.

IAmNOTBent · 05/05/2019 20:25

If your BF wants one too then yes do it! If you both want to be parents and are prepared for all the hard work it entails then yes do it. I bet you'd regret not doing it more.

NannyRed · 05/05/2019 20:26

Yes.

YES!

Aridane · 05/05/2019 20:26

people will all say yes

The vast majority of posters on this thread are saying no!

ThePrioryGhost · 05/05/2019 20:27

If it’s something you both really want, and you could cope financially and in every other as a single parent if it went pear shaped, then I don’t see that it’s any more mad than waiting when time isn’t on your side.

But you have to be absolutely sure and have a very serious conversation. Is he on the same page? What if the child had disabilities or additional needs? Could you live with him after such a short period? What sort of things are important to you both for a child? Etc.

Iwantacookie · 05/05/2019 20:29

Op I did that exact thing. I had our baby when we had been together 11 months.

Throughout my pregnancy I knew he wasn't the man for me but fought to make it work. Sadly it didn't.
What I'm saying is if you want to go for it fine. But you don't know this man so be prepared to be a single parent if things don't work out.

VoteJadot · 05/05/2019 20:30

At 39, I say go for it. You have enough life experience to know if you're on to a good thing, and it might well be your last chance.

MakeLemonade · 05/05/2019 20:30

I had only been with (and it was very casual) now DH about six months when I accidentally fell pregnant - in my 20s, but still decided to go for it. I think we found it easier in some ways as we hadn’t really had time to get used to spending all our time together, weekends away, holidays etc. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do wish we’d had that time but it’s worked out well, still here 12 years later, very happy, DC3 on the way.

If I was in my late 30s and it was looking like my only option I think I’d go for it - as long as he is on board.

sockatoe · 05/05/2019 20:31

Recipe for heartache. Never breed with someone you don't know.

GreyHare · 05/05/2019 20:32

Madness utter madness, I know someone who planned a baby with her boyfriend of 3 months, he turned out to have a personality disorder and is currently still screwing both her and the childs life up, they live a miserable existence.