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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for a baby with partner of 3 months

221 replies

broody19 · 05/05/2019 18:56

I am 39.

Is this madness?

OP posts:
Flutra · 05/05/2019 19:26

What does he think? Does he even know? Trapping him would be extremely shit.

lalalonglegs · 05/05/2019 19:26

I think rather than think in terms of whether you have a long term relationship together, try to calculate what sort of ex he would be - sorry if that sounds overly-pessimistic. Does he have children from other relationships - does he support them and have contact? Has he maintained friendships with any of his exes? Is there anything that hints he could be controlling? Then take a view. Like you say, time isn't on your side and you (and your boyfriend, assuming he is willing) may have to be pragmatic.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/05/2019 19:26

I totally agree that a sperm donor would be the more sensible choice if the baby is the priority. I have three friends who had babies via donor in their forties. None of them are tied into co-parenting with someone they wish they hadn’t reproduced with.

TheFastandCurious · 05/05/2019 19:27

You haven’t said anything about the man? Would he be happy about it?

Are you able to go alone if it went wrong?

If the answer is yes to both then I don’t see how it’s much different to my lovely friend who used a sperm donor successfully at 38.

SrSteveOskowski · 05/05/2019 19:28

Can I ask you something OP? Do you want a baby with this man, him in particular and no one else, or do you just want a baby?

Also, why are people on here mentioning that they were with someone for a short period of time and then "we were pregnant". Unless he physically carried the baby for some of that nine months, then no "we" were not pregnant Hmm

RavenLG · 05/05/2019 19:28

What is your relationship like?
What does he think? Does he want a child?
Can you see a future with him?

There's more questions than just "should I?"

Cornettoninja · 05/05/2019 19:29

Freeze your eggs though

With all due respect have you any idea how heartbreaking the statistics for successful pregnancies are from frozen eggs? Never mind eggs harvested over the age of 30. That’s just not an answer here or for many people unfortunately.

I also think that there may be something in the people saying there are benefits in having a certain way of life established early on. I was with my dp for thirteen years before dd came along and it’s been very hard going, much of it due to getting headache around our new ‘normal’ and new expectations.

TheCrowFromBelow · 05/05/2019 19:29

How does he feel about it?

bamboofibre · 05/05/2019 19:29

I'd be worried about co-parenting with an arsehole so would probably go it alone via a sperm donor in your position.

Cookit · 05/05/2019 19:30

I don’t think YABU.
Maybe wait another 3 months to make it 6 but as you said it’s hardly like you can wait years is it?

That is unless you couldn’t cope as a single parent - then you should wait a few years. If you’d do ok financially and have a support system and you think he is a good person ... well, I’d do it.

Cornettoninja · 05/05/2019 19:30

Headache = head although headache works in some respects Grin

User11011 · 05/05/2019 19:30

Do you know what OP? I say you do you. I know people who have got pregnant by one night stands and was it hard for them? God yes - but if you have an understanding of how hard it would be if it didn't work out and still want to take the gamble then do it. Sometimes people have kids with people who they have known for a really long time and it still all goes to shit.

RatherBeRiding · 05/05/2019 19:30

And what's your BF's view on this? (I assume he has one and you're not just planning on using him as a sperm donor!).

PerfectPeony2 · 05/05/2019 19:30

I know people say they were only with their partner a few weeks/ months before getting pregnant and all it worked out etc. which sounds romantic but the reality is in most cases you’d probably struggle a lot being a parent with someone you barely know. I find it hard and I’ve been with DH 8 years. It’s a huge risk for lots of different reasons.

category12 · 05/05/2019 19:31

If you're financially secure and have a good support network, and would be okay as a single parent, and he's up to for trying, then why not?

EffYouSeeKaye · 05/05/2019 19:31

Sperm donor? I’m thinking that would be better than risk saddling yourself with an arsehole father to deal with, as well as a child to raise.

JellyBellyyyyyyyyy · 05/05/2019 19:31

@broody19 I think the most important question for me here would be does he know you want a child and does he agree that you should try?

If so, then you're not being unreasonable assuming you can provide for the child even if you end up as a single parent.

You obviously want a child very much and if you can provide for that child then I don't agree that you have to have been in a long standing relationship before trying to conceive.

If he isn't on board, I'd consider alternatives.

Iamnotagoddess · 05/05/2019 19:32

It worked for Sophie Ellis Bexter.....

ohdearmymistake · 05/05/2019 19:33

I get the impression it doesn't matter what the potential father wants this is all about what the op wants.

lisamac28 · 05/05/2019 19:34

If you're financially secure and have a good support network, and would be okay as a single parent, and he's up to for trying, then why not?

I agree with this^

neveradullmoment99 · 05/05/2019 19:37

Does he want a baby?

watsmyname · 05/05/2019 19:38

I would worry your desire for s child could mean you settle for a willing partner but what if they aren't right. Having children with a man who have been with just under half my life showed me new sides of him and him of me. Actually it roughy out sides of me I didn't even know I had 🤷‍♀️ you would need to have the financial means and confidence to go it alone if necessary which is tough as you would always be bound to him and your child would have to deal with access visits etc

Ginger1982 · 05/05/2019 19:38

Does he want a baby?
Do you want a baby with him or just a baby?

redcaryellowcar · 05/05/2019 19:39

I think it's Risky, with a sperm donor situation you don't risk (if things don't work out with the father) that you still have to drop your dc off to your three month fling every other weekend.

TatianaLarina · 05/05/2019 19:40

If you have everything in place to cope with being a single mother if things go wrong - then go ahead - you’re right it may be your last chance.