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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To try for a baby with partner of 3 months

221 replies

broody19 · 05/05/2019 18:56

I am 39.

Is this madness?

OP posts:
Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/05/2019 19:18

I genuinely feel panicked at the idea. First because you just don’t know someone after three months and while there are some good outcomes I think there are far more bad ones. Ending a bad relationship is horrible enough but once a child is involved it’s so much harder. Of course any relationship might end but at this point you are so very much in the dark about everything.

And second, a baby is a massive assault on every relationship. For the majority of people I know it strained things for one reason or another. Whether it was hitherto unknown parenting styles, division of labour, loss of sex life, just plain exhaustion, it tests you. My partner and I had been together for a long time, and were total best mates as well as lovers, but there were times I could have walked out of the door without a second glance. Putting all that on a new relationship that might barely have existed outside a pregnancy? I properly admire all the posters on this thread who got through that.

Cheerybigbottom · 05/05/2019 19:18

Yabu. Freeze your eggs though.

broody19 · 05/05/2019 19:19

It’s all very well saying that you knew your partner ten years, but I don’t have ten years if I want a child.

It seems there’s a very small window in which I can move and that’s tricky.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 05/05/2019 19:19

Of course it’s madness, but you know that really.

Scanon · 05/05/2019 19:19

He might be abusive (or just awful). Wait and get to know him better. Otherwise, you may be stuck in a 'relationship' with someone you despise and who makes your life hell, for the next 19 years, even if you split up.

You also want to make sure your child has a decent father. Wait.

MummyParanoia101 · 05/05/2019 19:20

My double contraception failed 3 weeks into a relationship and honestly it destroyed us. We were so so in love. Had so much fun together, shared interests etc and then suddenly discovered I was pregnant and so we moved in together and it was too much for him so soon. Too much for us. I'm now a single parent with a broken heart

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/05/2019 19:20

You don’t need ten years. A year though...

broody19 · 05/05/2019 19:20

No, I really don’t dora

It seems to me I either take a risk and try for a baby with a man I haven’t been with long, or I don’t.

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 05/05/2019 19:21

Yes

broody19 · 05/05/2019 19:21

Even a year would take me to being nearly 41 on the baby’s birth.

OP posts:
PyjamasForever · 05/05/2019 19:21

I accidentally fell pregnant with my new boyfriend of 3 months 4 years ago. We are now married, expecting our second child and very happy. I think sometimes finding the right person is just a luck thing.

Ceebs85 · 05/05/2019 19:21

Depends really.

Think through whether you could hack being a single parent, assuming the worst.

I'd probably crack on, assuming it may take a while to get pregnant.

clutterqu33n · 05/05/2019 19:21

OP, where does the potential dad stand in this all. That is really the crucial question?

JacquesHammer · 05/05/2019 19:21

broody19

Could you consider going it alone via sperm donor?

Noonooyou · 05/05/2019 19:22

To be honest, if he's on a similar wave length, I say go for it. It's all well and good people on here saying they wouldn't but how do they know unless they are in your position. Nobody can tell you if you'll stay together whether you have a baby now or in 5 years time.

riotlady · 05/05/2019 19:22

Honestly? If you know you want a baby, will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t have one, and are prepared to go it alone if your relationship crumbles, then I think you should go for it. Sometimes you can’t afford to be sensible when it comes to the big things you want in life and (I’m sorry, I don’t want to be rude) time isn’t on your side.

I fell accidentally pregnant 4 months in to my relationship and we’ve managed great. I think it’s easier in some ways because we didn’t have this long established life together that was disrupted by a baby.

GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 19:23

I’d also assume the worst - can you manage a baby alone and work etc? If yes I don’t see why you couldn’t try

What does the father to be say? Is he onboard?

Creamegghunter · 05/05/2019 19:23

Have you discussed it with the potential father or are you just going to do it anyway?

Hefzi · 05/05/2019 19:23

How do you know that his genes are worth perpetuating at this stage? How do you know if you want to be tied to him for the next 18ish years? Have a read of relationships, and see what life is like and/or co-parenting is like with a deadbeat dad/abusive-in-some-way fuckwit/manchild-at-best.

Then do research into donor insemination.

If you really want a baby now, that's a much, much more sensible idea than what you are proposing.

user1480880826 · 05/05/2019 19:24

You don’t have time on your side, that’s for sure. There will be plenty of people on here that say they had babies later in life and it was all fine but the reality is that leaving kids until later is a risk.

However, you are virtual strangers if you’ve only known each other for 3 months. If you go ahead with this then it would be wise to assume you will be raising your baby as a single parent. Can you afford to do that? Do you have a support network of friends and family nearby who can help?

You haven’t mentioned it your partner is keen to have a baby. What are his thoughts on the matter?

werideatdawn · 05/05/2019 19:24

Can you afford to raise a baby alone when this inevitably falls apart? If so then do what you like.

MeganBacon · 05/05/2019 19:25

If you very much want a baby, and he is okay with it, and you are prepared to raise the child alone, and you don't think he'll be too much of a burden when you are raising the child alone, and you can afford to raise a child alone ...... then yes go ahead.

OhTheTiles · 05/05/2019 19:25

What does he think?

nauseous5000 · 05/05/2019 19:25

Look, having a baby with him to satisfy your urge to be a mum is one thing, but what if he makes your life a misery, petitions and gets residency etc... i had a baby by accident after 6 months with ex. He made my life absolute hell. Yes I wouldn't be without her, but he's made the last 7 years a living hell and can continue doing so for rest of my life: I didn't think he was a bad guy after 3 months either. You have to ask yourself if you want a child under any circumstances even if it ruins every other party of your life, and this response only takes into account how your life might be affected, not how it would affect your child

Scanon · 05/05/2019 19:26

Your age also means you're more likely to have multiples, so bear this in mind!
In your place... I'd wait 6 months and have some serious conversations. Meet his family. Consider finances.

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