Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

[Moonchild1987]

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

If you go to the top, you can click ‘hide’ but I do encourage you to seek help, you will be happier.

I have requested for this thread to be deleted. Thank you for all the help that has been given

You won’t be able to have control over everything once you are a parent. Spend the next 2 years getting used to this idea.

OP in the nicest way- you are not trying for a baby until two years down the line. It may take you 1 month- 10 years to fall pregnant.
Love in the now, not years down the lane, with something you have little control over.

OP, I remember you (I think) from another thread saying that you were planning on making your future teenagers take multiple after-school activities daily — music, extra tutoring, sports — for fear they would ‘hang around on park benches’, and when other posters pointed out that it is extremely difficult to make teenagers do anything they really don’t want to, you said something about growing up in Taiwan with parents/a parent who simply could not be disobeyed?

Honestly, in the nicest possible way, do you really want a real, disruptive, demanding child, or some pretty Pinterest idea of one?

I think this level of advance preparation can be pleasant if it's just one step up from daydreaming. It's nice to think ahead without the pressures of actually having to commit; like when you're viewing a house and you imagine what colour you'll paint the hallway and where you'll plant the roses.

The trouble starts when this kind of advanced planning is caused by and exacerbates anxiety. It offers the illusion of control without any meaningful impact on the actual situation: you think, plan, worry, but nothing actually gets done. It also takes up headspace long before you need to be worrying about these issues, and although it might not seem like it's actively causing harm, I do think that someone with anxiety and/or obsessive thoughts probably already has a brain already filled of parallel-running concerns, which causes you to feel overwhelmed and anxious and desperate to be in control, so you plan plan plan even more. (I do this a lot: believing I'm being organised, but actually just winding myself up.)

If it makes you feel happy and relaxed to imagine your baby's white vests and swaddling cloths, then fair enough. But if you think it's fitting into a pattern of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, then I would try to break the habit and find something more immediate to focus on.

Just accept the gifts and give them to charity if you don't want them. No need to worry too much about it, if at all! This is what we did.

Why have you asked for it to be deleted? Because you don't like the reality of what people are saying?

@LagunaBubbles because it is going round and round in circles this thread. And apparently having a pintrest with helpful tips and yes items so I can at least prepare as much as I can (yes you can't control life. I know this. I have two degrees down the drain as life happens, shit happens. My gran has a disabled son and a disabled son that died a baby) but I want to be as stress free during the pregnancy as I can and make sure we are set for the first year babywise. But apparently that is enough that I not only neef help but serious help.

As it seems there is only one way to end this. You are all correct on here. I will run to the gp next week to talk about cbt and never have a child as clearly I would be the worst parent in the world it seems

Moon, do you normally respond to disagreements this petulantly?

Some people have been nicer than others, but the general trend of the advice is absolutely right — that you should work on your MH before even thinking about having a child, which throws a hand grenade into the best-regulated of lives.

You’ve got time, get yourself some help. Those of us brought up by parents with uncontrolled MH conditions will tell you it’s not a good thing to have to deal with as a child.

But sweetie, stress free isn’t about prams, the nursery or number of outfits or anything else you’ve imagined. You cannot plan for no stress because a baby is an unpredictable live being that you can not control both in terms of personality and health.

You sound really intelligent. But sometimes as humans we can actually be too clever for our own good. I really do hope you do seek help with your anxieties.

Hi OP

I don't think you will be a bad parent.
I just think you might benefit from professional therapy because it might help your mind feel free and unburdened x

It's only "going round in circles" as you put it because you're not really listening to anyone.

will run to the gp next week to talk about cbt and never have a child as clearly I would be the worst parent in the world it seems

Don't be such a child. No-one has said this, no-one at all. They have said you need serious help which is true.

I agree with paperhead

The most beautiful home and nursery won’t make up for a stressful upbringing.

Please prioritize yourself x

if we come home without baby which I know can happen I will know not to go in that room and leave it till we try again. If I pass away at least I will have made his burden easier and he can just focus on the baby and him for the first year at least

This thread gets worse and worse. Do you're now even planning ahead incase you or the non existent baby dies?

You honestly need to get some kind of help. Your posts are just not normal.

OP I'm currently pregnant, and one of the nicest things about pregnancy is the researching what stuff you want, trying it out and buying. Pregnancy is SO long, and at only halfway through I'm already suffering with PGP, had a bad back, morning sickness, etc, and you spend so much of your pregnancy anxious- am I bleeding, is that cramp normal or the start of miscarriage, why aren't I growing faster/slower, when's the next scan, is everything okay. It's honestly quite terrifying at times, and I'm a quite relaxed person.

The only fun bit about being pregnant, apart from feeling the little one move and seeing the scans, is the planning. Going out with your partner and having a push of prams together, buying an outfit that you would never normally choose because it will make him smile (looking at you, Chewbacca onesie!), Picking furniture and bedroom decorations.

You're not saving yourself time and stress, you're robbing yourself of future joys during what will absolutely undoubtedly be a stressful time.

I completely agree with knobjockey.

That is one of the reasons why I didn’t find out the sex of my son; so I would have that surprise when I was on the delivery bed.

Also agree with red glitter, you are so focussed on the practical and seem unemotional about the idea of death. Are you normally so disconnected from your emotions?

I don’t think people are trying to say you will be a terrible parent; you are being defensive there because you know that this obsessive preparation for a potential child is wrong. There are so many other things you could be doing with the next 2 years to prepare yourself emotionally, relationship wise, financially, etc. You have latched on to the shopping. It’s weird.

You say nothing about gifts. You accept graciously all gifts. Anything else is rude.

Most people have not said you'll be a “bad parent” and you’ve had support but thrown it back in peoples faces because it’s not what you want to hear. You can’t ask to things to be deleted just because almost nobody agrees with you.