Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

[Moonchild1987]

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

I misread the op and thought you were pregnant but after pp commenting that you’re not even thinking of having a baby for another couple of years I can’t help but wonder why you’re giving headspace to something that’s not even an issue, and may not be for some time.

I can tell you that some people will get a voucher/money if you express the preference, but others will just get whatever they think is an appropriate gift, regardless of whether you like/need it or not.

C - chill out, you're not even pregnant yet or TTC. Stop worrying about offending people about gifts they may or may not but about your theoretical baby who you are not even trying to have yet.

Oh I didn't realise you're not pregnant! I've just re read your OP, it's a bit of a weird thing to think about in advance

Do you have a problem with anxiety and being in control generally? You're not even ttc never mind pregnant so this is all really weird!

Just live your life and stop worrying about something that’s not even on the horizon!

Gosh you sound like hard work. Babies get through loads of clothes, bibs etc daily. Having loads will be a god send. Go with option a and in a few years reread this thread.

As my mother would say "don't borrow trouble from tomorrow". Stop stressing about what gifts your imaginary baby might get, you weirdo.

Quite ironic you started by saying you find the attitude in the UK "very odd".

All the posts saying I over think and worry trust me I know that. It's the same reason I can't drive (tried after lesson 20 still at 5 miles an hour) I get an upset stomach and skin rash and all together sick at least a month before any test and assignment back in school, it's why I need to check my bag 50 times run through the check list 10 times before leaving for a holiday, I have had 2 months now of stomach upset and little sleep worrying about applying for my citizenship.

In the nicest possible way, you need to get help. That level of anxiety is not normal or sustainable, especially once you have children. You don’t want them picking up on your anxiety/issues.

Bloody hell. I can only imagine what your wedding plans are like if you are micro managing the gift list of an imaginary baby who is not likely to be tried for for 2 years. Christ, that's madness! You may not be with your fiance in 2 years. It may take you 10 years to get a baby even if you start trying in 2 years. You may get pregnant next week even if you are not trying to. Life throws all sorts of curveballs at you. Start enjoying the present instead of worrying about ridiculous things such as aunty Jane buying the wrong dummy for the baby that's not even here yet!

Option 3: Forget about it all until you are at least 6 months pregnant. Then gradually start buying stuff and let other people give you the gifts they want to. Babies don't really need that many things and the things you thought you wouldn't need are the things you'll value the most.

Ah OK, just read your latest post. You need to see your GP about your anxiety. CBT could be helpful

You're not even pregnant yet???? And you're already organising a way to get the EXACT gifts that you want for this non-baby?

There is so much over-thinking going on here, my head is hurting!!

@LagunaBubbles yes I do

@MynameisJune I am aware of that and try to keep the stress in my head as much as possible so I can train myself to at least not have future kids pick up on it

'In the nicest possible way, you need to get help. That level of anxiety is not normal or sustainable, especially once you have children. You don’t want them picking up on your anxiety/issues.'

This ^^

@moonchild I understand where you are coming from with your thoughts, however as pps have said, relax you are over thinking if you're at least 2 years away from baby.
I'd personally go with option A with a twist and say "we have everything we need but we would love extra bibs, cloths, baby wipes etc" The kind of things you are likely to get through on a 10 fold almost daily.

Bit you don’t need to keep it in your head, it’s not healthy. See your GP, get referral for counselling to CBT to help you cope. This amount of worry over a future that might not even happen just can’t be good for you.

@XiCi I have bought a cbt self help book so do hope I can relax a little

Jeez, all this and you're not even pregnant?

That's whole lot of high maintenance attitude right there.

You do what you do every tine you are given a gift that maybe wouldn't have been your first choice: smile graciously, say thank you, and quietly exchange it.

Oh, and you have no idea how many of the same item you'll need to maybe accept gifts for the helpful thoughtful gesture they are.

Thank you for the CBT recommendations I do realise what is in my head is not healthy. Fiancé other then being particular about some items is a lot less of a stresser and worrier then I am and is a massive support when my mind goes into panic so to speak and helps me formulate a plan or reminds me all we need is passport and phone the rest we can buy if we did forget etc

A, because like all battle plans yours will probably change at least a bit on contact with the enemy baby and it will be helpful to have some vouchers as backup. My DD1 would only take one brand of dummy for example. You can't know that stuff till you meet them.

Alternatively if you're not at all fussed about actually getting presents, you could ask people to make a donation to a charity like Home Start, that supports new parents, or Tommy's, a charity that funds research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth.

@toomuchtooold the charity does sound like a lovely option so will keep that in mind as we are more then comfortable and could more then afford what is needed so using the money where it will actually do good sounds lovely

when your house is a mess and the baby is throwing up everywhere u wont give a shit what people bought you

I agree you should try to find some outside help.
You can just about 'control' your environment before children, but it will go out of the window once you have babies/toddlers/school-age/teens.

Just imagine a 5yos b-day party - everyone bringing random presents. And the wider family in general wanting to choose their own presents for your DCs. And then your DCs get their own tastes, and really want that top or toy.