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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

220 replies

Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:20

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

OP posts:
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SouthernComforts · 04/05/2019 09:50

Ok, I shouldn't have been so flippant. But can I ask why you think having a child is a good idea? I had no mh problems at all before dd. I am a very very laid back person. When dd was small I suffered ptsd from her birth and her health issues led to me having depression for a while. Parenting is the most stressful worry inducing thing I've ever done, and I don't worry about much. Why put yourself through that when even a baby shower is stressing you out?

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:51

@TeenTimesTwo of course once the child gets old enough to express what it likes and does not that will be respected and I will inform relatives of what the child likes to be as helpful as possible

OP posts:
LL83 · 04/05/2019 09:52

If you are worried about a baby shower or gift list not going down well neither of these options are very diplomatic either.

I would never have a gift list but I think it is better than either of your suggestions above.

Try and relax a bit someone else might get you a different dummy and it might turn out to be better than the one you originally picked. Once your baby gets older the gifts will be their choice and you will have endless amounts of toys not to your taste and loud/annoying ones. Best get used to it.

TheSerenDipitY · 04/05/2019 09:52

lmao.... let them buy gifts and if you end up with 30 bibs, 54 blankies and 16 all in ones say thank you and in a few weeks you really will be thankful when you change baby for the 19th time that day because of explosive poop and a million spit ups

sackrifice · 04/05/2019 09:53

Ok so you need to get yourself sorted out first before you go anywhere near becoming a parent.

This is not rational behaviour.

FrowningFlamingo · 04/05/2019 09:53

You should definitely seek help for your mental health, especially as these things often get worse in pregnancy.
Having said that, I dislike excess and was keen to not have too much. My baby is much more sicky than I anticipated and I'm glad of every item of clothing, muslin cloth or bib I can find. Other people have babies who don't need them. It's luck of the draw.

Owwlie · 04/05/2019 09:53

You really don't need to worry about this yet OP, you don't even need to worry about it when you're pregnant.

It's really simple. Just buy it all yourselves and say 'oh we really don't need anything'. Then people will inevitably buy you gifts (some will give money) and you keep the stuff you like and donate what you don't like. That's what we did, I didn't even bother putting DD in the stuff for one photo, people won't ask (other than very close family members perhaps). At bigger shops they will let you exchange without a receipt as well.

And no, 25 outfits a month isn't necessarily enough! Unless you want to be constantly washing. DD had bad reflux and was sick a lot. She could easily go through that a week. And once they're weaning it gets very messy. It's handy to keep some of the things you don't like as back up clothing or for eating in or if they're doing a messy activity.

Not that any of this is anything you should be worrying about yet!

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:55

@SouthernComforts I am trying to work on my issues trust me. I do usually chill once I have a plan in my head and I can stick to it. I know that is not enough but I also do see it as having 2 years to try get to a stage where at least the stress in my head will be more quiet and manageable

OP posts:
namechangerrrr · 04/05/2019 09:56

You sound like you need help OP. Definitely not normal behaviour. Even in your latter post, talking about respecting what your child likes etc.... very odd! Your child isn't here yet, and won't be for years by the sounds of things.

Before I had any kids I used to worry. I worried about whether I could actually get pregnant, and finances, and important stuff like how I would ever afford a mortgage.

Not about gift lists and dummy pouches....

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:57

@Owwlie 25 outfits will be for one week. I do 4-6 loads of laundry a week and will try to keep all baby outfits in the same neutral white or cream colours so I can do it all together every 4-7 days

OP posts:
namechangerrrr · 04/05/2019 09:59

25 outfits will be for one week. I do 4-6 loads of laundry a week and will try to keep all baby outfits in the same neutral white or cream colours so I can do it all together every 4-7 days

Confused are you ok OP?

00100001 · 04/05/2019 10:00

I think you need to address the issues you have now instead of worrying and Nico managing something that may not even happen :/

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 04/05/2019 10:00

Forget the self-help book, it's not enough.

Go to your GP and get some proper help, or go private if you can afford it.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:00

@namechangerrrr I do get that but finically I purposesly waited until that would not be a worry. I did also have a chat with gp if my age would lower my chances at all etc so I am not just obsessing over this particular aspect alone

OP posts:
MargotSimpson · 04/05/2019 10:01

This is the most bizarre thread I’ve ever seen on MN. You’re not pregnant or even TTC so I don’t even know why you’re thinking about presents. Of all the things to be worried about having a baby, presents are at the top of your list? Just accept what you’re given with good grace when the time comes.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:01

@namechangerrrr I do weekly laundry for me and fiancé why on earth would I not for the baby....

OP posts:
Mummyshark2018 · 04/05/2019 10:01

Definitely over thinking this. I get that you like to plan but if you over plan you may be disappointed. Do you even know if you can gave children? Also babies don't like everything that you like! My dc didn't like the teats in the bottles we had bought so we had to replace them all with a different brand, after trying about 4 brands.

BrokenWing · 04/05/2019 10:02

I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc.

These are usually over priced inpractical gimicks, trying to fix a problem that's not really there and that end up not being used. I spent a fortune on this kind of shite with ds.

I would advice buying lots of basics, vests, plain-ish baby grows, bibs, cloths etc and one or two nice outfits. Then once all the gifts come in, assess what you still need and then buy. Dont spend a fortune on things you probably won't need. You only realise after the event what a waste of £££s all was.

mynameiscalypso · 04/05/2019 10:02

I recognise a lot of your thought patterns - I have anxiety and quite a lot of OCPD traits and these are exactly the kind of things that I would start obsessing and worrying over. I'm currently 6 months pregnant and I am trying to realise that everything goes at the window at this stage; not least as it took us three years to conceive which we didn't plan for. I am trying to work through them with the help of a therapist because I recognise that they are unhelpful and unhealthy and that the impact of not being in control when the baby comes (which I have to accept that I won't be) could be very detrimental to my mental health.

sackrifice · 04/05/2019 10:03

I do weekly laundry for me and fiancé why on earth would I not for the baby...

You are at least 2 years away from having a baby and you are calculating how many washes you think you will do?

You need to stop. Go see a doctor and get a referral.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:04

@Mummyshark2018 and I would be more then happy to change to what ever the child liked once it expresses it's preferences or dislikes

OP posts:
Aimily · 04/05/2019 10:04

@moonchild you won't be wanting to keep sicked up clothes for a week before washing, trust me!
Please dont be thinking too hard about all of this, I have 11 weeks left until my baby arrives and I've barely started shopping/thinking about baby stuff other than buggy, car seat, moses basket and clothes. You need to try and not think about any of this!

namechangerrrr · 04/05/2019 10:05

You're not even pregnant and you're planning how many times a week you're going to wash your baby's clothes and what colour they're going to be! I have a 6 month old currently and even I don't plan that meticulously, because I can't. Having a baby is bloody hard work and if you're planning on micro managing every thing that comes with it even down to laundry you're going to be in for a huge, enormous shock! I think you need to have a serious think about this and address your issues with more than just a book, before you even think about having a baby. That's coming from someone who has GAD and OCD, but still thinks this post is bonkers.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:07

@mynameiscalypso I do realise this. I have talked to my gran over this and I think my over worry might come from her. She was talking about how much sge regrets the stress she put on herself as a young mother. For example ironing the underwear and socks, ironing to organza lining of the pram my father would scruch up after every walk etc

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 10:09

You are clearly in a bad way and need a lot more than self help books or a bit of cbt. Spend your money on decent therapy.

Don’t consider becoming a parent until you’ve addressed your issues because a child puts a lot of pressure on a parent with robust mental health let alone someone, who clearly doesn’t.

Sorry to be blunt but you are so far off from reality. I find your posts very concerning.

You don’t need a nursery right now and you don't even know if you can get pregnant or carry a child to term. And even if you did right now, you’re in danger of passing your anxieties to your child.