Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

[Moonchild1987]

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

Short answer option 1. Although some people will still gift you things, often horrible impractical outfits.

Longer answer, as other pp have said, you need to deal with your anxiety before bringing a baby into the mix.
With that level of control you feel you need, you will be tipped over the edge when your dc reaches toddlerhood/primary age. The sheer amount of plastic crap they collect will drive you over the edge. I started off planning that my dc would only play with wooden, imaginative toys and had to let all that go when the vtech crap, playmobile and just endless hideous plastic shite started to arrive, which they just loved playing with.

@BettyDuMonde not that I know of lol or at least no friends that are more then cordial aquentences so I never see them regularly. I do have a niece and nephew all the way in america

Will the baby's father get a say in anything??

If you want a baby shower then have one-it doesn't have to be a great big party with expensive gifts, could just be a few friends for tea & cake & small pressies such as babygros.

I dislike babyshowers for the thought of getting lot of stuff before baby is here, but I think that people do like to buy stuff for a new baby when they first visit.

But as pp have said-for goodness sake get help.

Definitely go back to your GP and ask for help OP. You will enjoy parenthood/life so much more when you are free of anxiety.

(Fellow anxiety sufferer here, now treated with counselling and meds and OMG life is so much better!)

Option C - Don't have a baby shower.

Idk if Mumsnet can help you op. You’re really obsessed and admit this yourself. Just a quick look at recent posts. There’s your recent thread lined below, where you’re discussing having an emc and a photo of you dream bedroom.

Please get help. [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a3551774-Wanting-an-elective-c-section#86108367]

I think you sound batshit, to be honest.

You sound like a bit of a control freak. All well and good, fine, whatever. But not when you are trying to control the first year of a babies life as a first time mother (I'm not even going to mention the fact that you're not even thinking about conceiving for at least another year). It's a very, very steep learning curve and you don't have a chance in hell of having "everything you will need for the first year."

I think you're going to have to accept that you're going to have to chill out about this, or having a baby is going to come as a massive shock.

I can see it's just going to go round and round in circles. On one hand I hear laundry won't be my priority then again I am told I will need to do it regularly clearly mixed messages here.

Thank you all for the helpful advice and like I said I am improving and am a lot better then 2 years ago and miles better then 5 where me not being able to reach a person panicked me to tears if a loved one if they are ok. Now I convince myself they are busy, phone is dead nothing has happened

I will stick with option a or suggested a charity as an alternative

Also, the dummy comment. I think you'll find that the baby will dictate an awful lot of this. Not you.

Best of luck, but I think you need to massively adjust your expectations

Why are you stressing over the number of outfits you might have for a baby who you aren’t even yet pregnant with? I can’t say I have ever counted how many outfits I had for either of my children, I have no clue. It just isn’t a thing to worry or think about.

You sound like you might benefit from some help before you think about having a baby. You seem quite rigid and controlling, I’d worry that you might struggle with a small baby with that sort of mindset.

As humans we can't control to a detailed level getting pregnant, nor how our bodies cope with pregnancy, nor how we give birth. Then we have a whole small person who arrives with their own issues and ideas; they'll decide how to feed and sleep, have explosive poos or not, reject their sleeping gear, leak through your preferred nappy type so you have to switch, be easy to get into cardigans but impossible with jumpers... You can't control any of it and any anxiety issues you have will be magnified. Before you get pregnant you need to be mentally as well as physically healthy. You are not currently mentally healthy. Please listen to the previous posters and go to get some proper help; CBT, medication, whatever else you need.

@diddl of course each item or decision will be a joined one we have researched and discussed the pros and cons of

I think people need to stop engaging with this thread now...

"Given you don’t plan on having a baby for at least 2 years I can’t help wondering if you are over thinking this"

. I do love mums net for cheering me up some days!

op

You’re not listening.

You’re not very well, your expectations and ideas about having a baby are neither here nor there as you’re not even pregnant.

Seek medical help.

Oh God, op . Please don’t even think of having a baby until you are much, much better. Are you receiving any counselling?

Try and go for option A, but just accept things graciously and give to a mother/baby charity or whatever.

"of course each item or decision will be a joined one we have researched and discussed the pros and cons of"

Oh dear-your husband should be helping you to get help, not enabling/indulging you.

Op I’m not sure you’re hearing what pp are saying - they’re suggesting you need more than a self help book to deal with your anxiety and you are ignoring them and still posting about laundry. You need to get your anxiety in a much better place before contemplating kids. Take it from someone who knows, you are not in control of your anxiety as you think you are, and your future kids will absolutely pick up on it.

Noloudnoises
I agree and have reported the thread stating mental health concerns.

OP I would suggest you buy a little but not all that you think you’ll need. Enough to get you started in the newborn stage then see what you are given. Most people will buy ahead- 3-6months, 6-9 months etc.

But otherwise, don’t be a thief of joy! People love buying for babies. It’s a stage in life that passes far too quickly for many of us, and coming round for a baby snuggle or choosing something in a shop is a moment where we can reminisce and indulge those memories (without the hard work!). It’s a situation when it really is better to give than receive; which is why people get annoyed about lists/showers etc which switch the emphasis to the receiving.

Accept the gifts, coo over how cute they are...then donate or sell the excess at a later date. Maybe there is a happy mummy market near you (an indoor car boot sale for maternity and baby items). Certainly the Salvation Army takes these things.

@Mummyoflittledragon yep, this needs to stop now.

OP you sound very anxious and you’re ruminating on this one thing which isn’t a good sign. You also seem to have zero awareness this is what you’re doing. I think you need to engage with your GP, they can offer telephone or online CBT quite quickly now to help you. It’s not ideal to have a baby in this mental state, so best get help first

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks I had for a year until I was told they are no longer able to help as they are a free charity and I had been a client for a year. I did come to terms with that not everything is my fault, and that I don't offened people or bother people the minute I open my mouth. I do still struggle trusting myself.

I used to really stress if I could not reach mum, fiancé or my grandmother as I would assume something has happened to them or I hurt and upset them. I still need to call my mum back at times if I thought she looked sad when I say goodbye on facetime to check if she is ok. But at least I am not in tears anymore until I reach them.

I have gone from the checklist 10 times to 3 times. And only checking for phone, wallet passport rather then every item once at the airport or train station

You’re not there yet, love. Please see your doctor for another referral