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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

220 replies

Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:20

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:09

@Mummabear2212 I realize that and as long as reasonable I will let them chose as long as it is not ice cream for dinner or insiting they want fries not the fruit with the happy meal etc I will pull the parent card on certain issues

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Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 12:09

Good. Please follow through on contacting the women’s counselling service. They were recommended to me by my gp. MIND can also be good.

There are a lot of very concerned women on this thread. I’m glad we are getting through. Smile

SouthernComforts · 04/05/2019 12:10

I don't think you're getting it OP. You don't sound well at all, and nowhere near well enough to cope with the unpredictable nature of having kids. You don't sound like you'd be able to cope.

cornish009 · 04/05/2019 12:14

Your words have really upset me and I feel for you. I think I am partly horrified at the level of detailed thought you are putting into a baby that does not yet exist, and partly horrified of how your life would be if that baby is to exist.

What are your partner's thoughts on this? Does he know of the level of detail and micromanaging you are making at least two years in advance? It would bother me hugely if he did feel the same as you.

I do not mean to be unkind but there is not yet a baby, and the reality is there may never be a baby. I guess we all daydream of how we believe we want our life to be. I did for sure. Sadly and so often life never works out like that.

The only thing that is certain is how we are now. So for now I would concentrate on getting yourself mentally well. Once dealing with your issues you will be in the best possible place if you are lucky enough to ever have a child.

I wish you luck in moving forward.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:15

@PaperHead unfortunately no. It was not planned but due to issues unforeseen I can't work in either of the fields I have been trained in. I am doing physio and have considered joining an evening class to deal with both issues so I can make them better but I will never get to a stage where I can work or find employment in my trained fields. I am looking into freelance translating as an option and use my language skills. still get upset about it at times but have learned to accept it.

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:18

@cornish009 he tries talk me through my worries and helps put them in perspective. He knows I struggle which is why we have a 2.5 year engmentment and a planner. I do still worry of it going wrong anyways but it is a lot better then if I had no planner to guide me at all.

He can tell when I start stressing and will try calm me

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 04/05/2019 12:19

This is just a pile-on at this point, isn't it.

I got my first baby book eight years, as it turned out, before my kids were born. Even at the time, I knew it was going to be at least two or three years before we would be in a position to try. But I wanted to try and imagine myself in that position and to find out a bit about the nuts and bolts of pregnancy and childcare from someone who wasn't my crazy family and, yes, daydream a bit about what it would be like. Because we all more or less like having kids, don't we? And let's also be honest and say that the majority of people conceive within six months and don't have any major problems during the pregnancy - Mumsnet doesn't feel like that, but people (like me) who had problems tend to have more reasons to post on online fora, so we're overrepresented - the chances are the OP will have a straightforward route into motherhood. And if she doesn't, does it actually help not to dream about it and plan for it? I don't think so. I did all that stuff, of not tempting fate, of not buying baby stuff while I was pregnant in case I miscarried (my mother had recurrent miscarriage, which I inherited) and you know what, it didn't make it hurt one tiny bit less. Our house might as well have been full of baby stuff after my miscarriages, there was no point in trying to avoid reminders of what had happened, because I couldn't think of anything else. And when I did eventually have my kids, because I'd kept to that "don't tempt fate" thing I had to run out and buy everything once the kids were already there, they ended up wearing Christ knows what in the first couple of months, I didn't have any twin-dedicated equipment like a decent baby carrier, it was a bloody nightmare trying to get all this stuff. I mean if I had it to do again I'd prioritise boring things like sound- and lightproofing their room and getting the boiler replaced and buying a couple of decent bouncy chairs over cute outfits and teddy bears but still, I would do some preparation. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

PaperHead · 04/05/2019 12:26

Then, Moon, I would concentrate on recovering, retraining and finding meaningful, enjoyable work, which will help your MH.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:28

@toomuchtooold thank you and of course I know getting the house properly indulslated and changing the old boiler and radiator getting the house ready is more important then a nursery etc.

The nursery is more a background plan if I see a idea I like, item I like I pin it and get on with the other tasks. Such as walking the dog or other pet care, tidying the house and other chores etc. I do it while watching some background tv or in the bath etc. Yes I plan but maybe only 1-2 hours a month if that

Only reason I asked this morning is that yesterdays post about hating babyshowers and gift lists got me thinking.

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:29

And before anyone says it's materialistic to plan so far what items I want I also pin baby care such as what to watch out for, what agr they should do what and information that will be important

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:32

@PaperHead it's not issues I will recover from. My dyslexia and fibro won't go away. I can improve and manage them but not to the extend where I can work in a nursery or publication. I do write and am working on two children's books at the moment

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:34

@toomuchtooold I am so sorry you had to go through that pain. I really appricite your sharing Flowers

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TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/05/2019 13:01

You are not listening, op Sad. Every poster who pleads with you to get help is responded to with another list of crap you need for the nursery.
This thread is a fucking car crash. I’m out.

PaperHead · 04/05/2019 13:05

Moon, that’s why I was suggesting you retrain for a type of work you are able to do with your capabilities as they are.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 13:10

Sure I only prep for crap I don't need 😒

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?
Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?
Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?
OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 13:11

Again not stuff needed but only crap I don't need or no need to know about

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?
Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?
OP posts:
Schuyler · 04/05/2019 13:14

Oh moon, this isn’t about dummies and laundry. Can’t you see how obsessive you are? I genuinely do mean this kindly but this isn’t normal. If you were 3 months pregnant, I’d say you were super duper organised and maybe a bit obsessive (but that’s not totally unusual) but this is something else. You have a problem but there’s help out there. Then when you do get pregnant, you can enjoy your baby. Please hear us. Flowers I’m not piling on, I’m seeing a really concerning pattern with you but know there is more support out there. It doesn’t have to be like this.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 13:17

@Schuyler it's just stuff I pin in the background maybe 15 mins in the evening here or there

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/05/2019 13:18

You are very seriously ill, op.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 13:19

If I do this now a bit there is less to do later

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 13:20

I am out thank you for the support and advice that was given. Id there any way to delete this thread?

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 04/05/2019 13:21

Wow, your post makes you sound like hard work op. Lighten up, go to a gig and let your hair down. Enjoy being young and irresponsible for the next two years! Maybe take up paragliding or something fun Grin

LagunaBubbles · 04/05/2019 13:23

OP you're pretending you're listening to people but you're not. Please don't have a baby until you are at least a bit better because not only won't it be fair on the child you are at risk of major mental health difficulties when you can't control a baby and the changes this will bring to your life.

Guardsman18 · 04/05/2019 13:24

This is bonkers! Ok - in answer to your original question - a I guess. How has that helped?

BogglesGoggles · 04/05/2019 13:24

Both quite rude. Do a gift registry on John Lewis. If people ask send them the registry number. If they don’t then accept whatever they give and if isn’t up to your standards then donate it to charity.