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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

220 replies

Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:20

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:43

@DC3dilemma thank you so much for the advice

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 10:46

Get help. I'm exhausted reading your posts so goodness knows how knackered you must be living it.

SpareASquare · 04/05/2019 10:46

I am aware of that and try to keep the stress in my head as much as possible so I can train myself to at least not have future kids pick up on it
OP you need to listen to posters.
The more your thread goes on and the more you post, the more obvious it is that you cannot 'fix' this yourself. You NEED help and rather than thinking of presents and washing you need to be thinking about how you can be the healthiest you can FOR your future child. If you don't, it WILL impact negatively on your child/children and I'm sure you don't want that. Put your energy and thoughts where they will do the most good

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:46

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks I am worried going to a gp as I was diagnosed with depressive tendencies so worry they will put me back on them. I do see it might be a bigger issue then I realise and not something I can fix myself even with fiancé's help

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 10:48

I think you need to get help op. This sort of obsessive fantasising is not normal at all.

I'm really quite shocked some folks are feeding into it, and actually answering it.

Go and see your doctor and explain what's happening in your head.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:48

@SunshineCake it can get very overwhelming especially the closer to a deadline it gets

OP posts:
TraceyLP · 04/05/2019 10:49

Hi OP,
I have flicked through the thread and looked at your updates.

You can try to be organised and think through possible scenarios but there are many variables outside of your control so you really have to trust others close to you to help you and roll with the punches e.g. if you have a rough time and an emergency Caesarian - you won’t be doing loads of washing everyday at first - although others might for you. You would be cuddling and feeding your baby and shutting out everything else relying on others. If the baby is very prem and no ordinary stuff fits you will be relying on others again to grab you what you need while you are in hospital worrying about your baby.

I’m not trying to scare you OP but your post is so materialistic - if you ever were worrying about a poorly baby I’m sure whether it’s outfit matched it’s designer dummy would be the least of your concerns. You need to get your priorities right really - you are talking about a little person - and stuff is just that - stuff. A baby is not a designer accessory.

I guess from your post you would rather die than use second hand clothes but we have bought several amazing bundles of clothes from Facebook. It suits me to not have to do all that shopping and spend our time and money on more enjoyable things or save it for our child’s future.

When your child is a little older they will absolutely love ‘tat’ so you do need to lighten up. I hope that one day your home has random plastic toys from school jumbles, slime jars and home made clay ornaments and you listen to someone who wants their nursery to match their baby-grows with a knowing smile, because to enforce this level of “style” and order on a child would not be fair.

stucknoue · 04/05/2019 10:52

You are seriously overthinking this! Big ticket items you want to choose fair enough, perhaps family members may wish to buy you something and you specify the exact one (or they give you the money and you order it) otherwise people usually bring clothes or toys, ask for larger sizes as you will already have the smaller size that they quickly outgrow - you really won't care what they are wearing most days, being clean will be the deciding factor! But many people will be only too pleased to be guided eg we like x snowsuit do be prepared. Don't plan so carefully I'm trying to say, it builds anxiety and sets you up for stress and disappointment

toomuchtooold · 04/05/2019 10:53

I do think you all should be cutting the OP a bit of slack here. She's admitted herself she gets anxious about stuff and does planning to alleviate that anxiety, fine, and I would agree that that is something you would want to look into before you add to the pressure in your life by having a baby. But people are telling her she'll need more baby clothes than she's anticipated, and then she's said well worst case scenario I'm going to wash once a week, I can't need more than 25 outfits surely, then she's getting grief for only wanting to do a wash once a week (that's not what she meant, she meant that as a minimum) and then getting it in the neck for even trying to estimate how many times she's going to do a wash - when the reason the conversation about washing started in the first place was because people were telling her oh no, you'll need far more outfits than that! Is it really that weird, as she's about to get married, for the lassie to be maybe reading through some baby books and anticipating and planning what it might be like, her future life? God knows there'll be bugger all time for it once she has an actual baby, the only time you're going to look at those beautifully curated prints of classic children's books that you put in the nursery is at four in the fucking morning as you attempt to quiet a 5 month old who's perfectly well rested thanks and would like to get up and have a chat with you. But in the meantime. Why not.

diddl · 04/05/2019 10:54

"I can fix myself even with fiancé's help"

He's not helping though.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:54

@TraceyLP of course I realize not everything goes to plan. Least of all baby wise. I grew up with a severely disabled uncel trust me I see it first hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:56

@toomuchtooold thank you so much

OP posts:
NeverTalksToStrangers · 04/05/2019 11:01

Before i got pregnant I never would have said "when I am having a baby...", I would have said "if we are lucky enough to have a baby"...

Twice in my life I've heard other people say things like OP (one actually said "if I'm made redundant, I'll just get pregnant" (I know, Confused)) and both those ladies have zero babies despite being married for years.

There are a lot of people with fertility problems. I get pregnant quickly, but I've had 2 miscarriages.

The pregnancy is a bigger blessing than the gifts you're imagining.

Batshit.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:02

I just wanted to be all set so I don't have to set up the nursery once heavily pregant or once trying to juggel new born baby, 3 pets and a house

OP posts:
TraceyLP · 04/05/2019 11:03

Moonchild1987 re your response to me

Your obviously caring/anxious re your family and worrying about them and understand what’s important in life (e.g. Uncle) so I don’t get how you can care so much if someone bought your baby an outfit that wouldn’t be your choice?

Somersetlady · 04/05/2019 11:04

I hope that you are able to get pregnant and go to full term and your imaginary future baby is healthy.

Honestly gifts should be the last thing on your mind!

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:05

@TraceyLP we live in a small space so space is precious to us. Fiancé does not like clutter either. I am very particular about what I like and don't like. For every item I don't like that we keep for the baby I will need to make space by giving up one I do like

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 11:06

You don’t have to set up a nursery at all.

All a baby needs is a safe place to sleep (in mum’s room) and a few drawers to store babygrows/vests/nappies.

Love, cuddles and milk are the important things.

If you don’t want to see your GP right now, book some sessions with a private therapist.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:08

@BettyDuMonde I don't want to set up nursery once it is here. I want to focus on just caring for the baby not being bob the builder and painting

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 11:08

You miss the point - there is no need for a ‘nursery’ at all!

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2019 11:09

I will stick with option a or suggested a charity as an alternative

NO! Forget about all of it till you've seen a professional and get this anxiety/extreme OCD or whatever it is, firmly under control

Baloonphobia · 04/05/2019 11:09

Put a crib and a changing table in your bedroom. Clear a shelf for baby clothes. Nursery done.

DonkeyHohtay · 04/05/2019 11:10

I had planned to do laundry daily so that 7 outfits would be enough but then people on here are saying I will be greatful for the extras once it is here so is 7 enough or is it not

OP - would you please listen to what everyone is saying. This level of planning is NOT NORMAL and you need to get help. People who are not mentally unwell do not plan how much washing they are going to be doing 2 years in advance, before they've even started trying to have a baby.

It's one thing wanting to be organised. It's quite another to be obsessing over how many loads of washing you might have to do when a hypothetical baby arrives.

Please see the GP and get help. Even if you can't see it, you are mentally ill.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:11

@BettyDuMonde I want there to be a place for me and baby to relax as it naps. Babies do sleep on their own I think after 6 months. I would rather do it before it arrives then try wing it once it is old enough to have one

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 11:13

So you want a fancy room for you?