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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

220 replies

Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:20

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

OP posts:
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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/05/2019 10:09

You can't plan babies to this degree. I know you feel you need to plan and have control, but you can't control babies. They might hate dummies. They might only like one brand, and it be a different one to the one you've got. They might hate the seams in clothes you've bought. They might get through an outfit an hour; or manage to last half a day...

You've got two years. Use that to see your GP and get some real, proper help for your anxiety and it's symptoms. You're not coping with them and a book won't be enough.

Treatment is hard, but the world is a different place once you've been through it. You can still have your preferences and plans, but you'll feel freer and happier and like a whole new person.

Prioritise sorting your health, and sort the little one after that.

Whoops75 · 04/05/2019 10:09

You can’t fix this yourself op

As a gift to your future baby & husband please get professional help for your anxiety.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/05/2019 10:09

25 outfits for one week Confused.

BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 10:09

You won’t want neutrals only after you see the colour of newborn poop Grin

Seriously, you can’t advance plan for babies/kids like this - you might struggle to fall pregnant, or conceive the first time you try. Baby could be premature or overdue and you might even have a baby with additional needs or a long term serious illness.

Use this time and headspace to develop healthier ways of thinking and accepting that you cannot control the future - with the help of a professional. Trying to plan a capsule wardrobe for a baby that doesn’t exist is going to exaberate your stress in the long term, not relieve it.

Atalune · 04/05/2019 10:10

Go to the doctors.

This is not helpful or ordinary.

You’re very unwell and you must seek proper help.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:11

@Aimily I don't think I will ever get to a stage where I can not have the nursery ready at least 2 months before the baby but I am making small improvements. At least I am not as stressed about things outside my control such as applying for things or waiting for important documents to arrive

OP posts:
GottenGottenGotten · 04/05/2019 10:11

Please, for your sake and any future childrens sake, do not have a baby until you have had professional help for your anxiety.

Everything else is irrelevant right now.

Enix · 04/05/2019 10:13

I really think you need medical and professional help for your anxiety issues - this is some extreme examples of micro-managing and you say you're years away from having a baby.

Although this is much easier said than done, I would perhaps try not to organise baby stuff in your head and try and work on things that are happening in the present. Thinking about things so far in the future will cause needless anxiety as sometimes you just can't prepare - e.g trying to conceive is hard enough sometimes and you can focus on that when the time comes. Right now, I think you should put yourself first.

newroundhere · 04/05/2019 10:13

@namechangerrrr I do weekly laundry for me and fiancé why on earth would I not for the baby....

Because hopefully your laundry today isn't covered in wee, poo and vomit, which I can guarantee your baby's laundry will be - so you might not want it hanging about for a week before washing....

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:14

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks is that too little or too much.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 04/05/2019 10:14

I mean this kindly but this is beyond over worrying. It sounds like you have a significant mental health problem. Please do not even consider pregnancy until you’ve had this treated. As someone rightly pointed out, pregnancy and early parenthood magnifies these problems.

Herland · 04/05/2019 10:16

You are creating non-existent problems and you are describing yourself as an inflexible, anxious and controlling person. This is all going to cause major problems for you if or when you do have a child. Problems that will have nothing to do with gifts. Parenthood requires you to give up some control, and to be flexible. I would suggest working on your anxiety and your tendency to catastrophies before children or you may find it extremely difficult.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:17

@newaround here I had planned to do laundry daily so that 7 outfits would be enough but then people on here are saying I will be greatful for the extras once it is here so is 7 enough or is it not

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 10:19

At least I am not as stressed about things outside my control

Whether or not you can fall pregnant and carry a child to term is completely out of your control. So yes, yes you are absolutely as stressed.

I’ve just binge watched Orange is the New Black. Your post sounds like the sort of thing the obsessional character Lorna Morello would write. It is very concerning.

CloudRusting · 04/05/2019 10:19

Geez, I completely agree this is not a normal level of worrying. And in the nicest possible way until you actually have a baby or are at least pregnant and well into the pregnancy this is frankly a wholly academic exercise as otherwise there is no baby to discuss. As my Grandma used to say, why borrow trouble?

BlueMerchant · 04/05/2019 10:20

You are setting yourself up for a fall.
A big one.
Life doesn't happen like this.

sackrifice · 04/05/2019 10:20

here I had planned to do laundry daily so that 7 outfits would be enough but then people on here are saying I will be greatful for the extras once it is here so is 7 enough or is it not

Stop it. Just stop it.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 10:21

Sorry @newroundhere I said in the post here I will buy all the clothes it will need 7-10 should be enough if I wash as soon as it is soiled

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 10:21

The baby needs to sleep in your room for 6 months - there is no need to prepare a nursery while pregnant, let alone start planning it before you are pregnant.

Are any of your friends parents? Spending some time with a friend with a baby might help you reset your expectations.
As well as seeking some professional help, of course.

Enix · 04/05/2019 10:21

I really don

bigbadbadger · 04/05/2019 10:22

Forget it all until you are 6/7 months pregnant. Many women do not have a straight forward conception/pregnancy and it is heartbreakingly awful to be surrounded by reminders. I think you need to seek help for your anxiety levels as it is going to put a lot of strain on you and your child.

Enix · 04/05/2019 10:23

Oops. I really don't think you're reading the posts - stop focusing on how much laundry needs to be done as every baby is different! Some babies poo every 8 days, some babies poo 8 times a day - some have accidents constantly and some don't.

Please focus on the fact that you're not pregnant, not ttc and get off Mumsnet to seek medical help.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 10:23

Firstly, the laundry.

The idea you’d want to do all your baby’s laundry is insane. Plus if you had a refluxy baby you and they could require a full change more than 7 times in a day.

You’ll be tired, cranky, sore, hungry, thirsty, frustrated. But sure. Laundry. That’ll be the priority.

OP - get some PROPER help. Your pregnancy will be hell if you don’t (assuming you’re able to conceive).

ForalltheSaints · 04/05/2019 10:24

Ask for charity donations instead, perhaps for a charity that helps with premature babies?

Owwlie · 04/05/2019 10:24

here I had planned to do laundry daily so that 7 outfits would be enough but then people on here are saying I will be greatful for the extras once it is here so is 7 enough or is it not

OP, you really need to stop. This isn't rational. You cannot plan for a baby this way, especially one you don't plan on having for at least 2 years!

You need to deal with the anxiety. I think you should come off this thread and try to focus on something else and forget about this.

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