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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which alternative to guest list would be more acceptable?

220 replies

Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 09:20

I am not orginally born in the UK so did find the attitude very odd. I do however understand them and when in Rome do as the Romans do etc. We don't have a baby yet and won't have for at least 2 years. Sorry if this is a long post I don't want to drip feed.

I know I will not have a baby shower or gift list as they don't seem to go down well. Fair enough and the reasons behind it are perfectly rational. I spoke to fiancé last night and we did agree we will just prepare the nursery and buy everything ourselves and have everything we will need for the next 6-12 months by my 7th month as we like to be over organised rather then under. I will also have my hospital bag packed by then. I tend to over worry and I guess some say over prepare.

We literally won't need anything or want anything for the baby once it is here. Both of us are very particular about what we like and don't like. Even small baby things such as a dummy I will insisted on a specific one because I might like a specific feature or design such as it having a in built capsule so it is easy to just pop in bag after use or a feature to get liquid medicine in so it makes giving medicine easier etc. I am also very fussy how much I have of one item. I don't like having more then I need as I do not see the point. If we have already bought 3 baby swaddles we like I do not want a 4th or 5th added to it.

In my mind I basically have 2 options when it comes to gifts and I don't which one would be the least rude and intrusive.

Option A: make sure everyone absolutely understands we don't want physical gifts. Express we already have all we need and want the house is small so please don't bring anything. If they must compronise on a voucher for a baby store or money so we can buy stuff we need after the first year.

Option B: leave a few less essential things for guests to buy and guide the guests what we need i.e. 'if you really do want to get us something we like the swan with a tutu and crown we have seen by jellycat so if they have that we will appreciate it.'

I am not trying to turn this into a gift list good or bad discussion I just want to know how I best deal with the situation without ending up with 7 baby bibs, 5 teething toys and a stack of baby clothes that will never get worn or used.

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YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 04/05/2019 11:16

OP, you sound incredibly anxious. You must be having a really tough time right now.

I agree with PPs that you will feel a lot better if you see a GP and get a treatment plan together. This is the best possible way to plan for any future babies- take care of their mother today so that you are well when they arrive.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:18

@BettyDuMonde there is nothing wrong with wanting a nursery ready for me to come home to once I have a baby

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NeverTalksToStrangers · 04/05/2019 11:22

I hadn't read the full thread so I apologise for the 'batshit' comment.

Get help though, op. You clearly are not well.

TheBulb · 04/05/2019 11:24

Babies tend not to have read the manual about sleeping in their own tastefully decorated room from six months, or will only nap when being pushed up and down the street in a pushchair or on their mother’s chest, or require a specific pig-ugly bottle teat or (in my case) an ugly, cumbersome supplemental nursing system, or lose their heart to a grubby scrap of blanket from which they are inseparable for years.

Babies don’t give a shiny shite about your Pinterest and Instagram ideas about ‘relaxing while they nap’. As a pp said, the baby needs to sleep in your room, and all you need is a changing mat/table and a drawer or two for clothes.

Get help, OP, and in the nicest possible way, do not start trying to conceive until you’re in a much better place with your MH, and are able to grasp that your current state of mind and bringing up a child are incompatible.

Ninkaninus · 04/05/2019 11:25

Bless you. You are struggling and need help.

There will be time to focus on baby and nursery and all those things when you’re actually pregnant.

Before you have a child you need to go back to the doctor and get help for your anxiety or OCD or whatever it is. With all the best will in the world, you can’t fix this on your own, and your fiancé is not helping you but is actually feeding into your illness.

Let it go for now. You cannot plan babyhood and parenthood with this kind of precision.

TheBulb · 04/05/2019 11:27

Oh, for heaven’s sake, OP, the nursery as you conceive of it is an expression of your OCD and not for the baby. Not only does the baby not need a nursery, it cannot sleep separately from you for months. Why do you need this room for an imaginary purpose, when you are nowhere near even trying to conceive?

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:30

@Ninkaninus thank you I do realise I need help and maybe my new way of planning 2 years in advance so I feel fully prepared is more of a crutch then I realise rather then helping me

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BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 11:32

there is nothing wrong with wanting a nursery ready for me to come home to once I have a baby

There is if you are thinking about the decor two years before you conceive!

What if you come home from the hospital without a baby? What if your partner comes home with a baby and without you?

I don’t want to make you even more anxious, but you are worrying about inconsequential stuff, whilst acting oblivious to the sad realities of life.
You need to see a professional to get your priorities back in order, you are obsessing over an Instagram version of motherhood, yet you don’t seem to even know any babies except via Skype.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 11:32

I am worried going to a gp as was diagnose with depressive tendencies.

Google women’s counselling services. This will give you information on the one in your local area. Contact them. Book some therapy. Keep going to it when it gets hard.

Don’t go to the gp right now unless you are ill or feel suicidal. This is adding to your anxiety. You will be able to discuss all of this with your therapist when you have one.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:33

@TheBulb because like you said the baby will need it once it is older. Does it make such a difference to people if I have the nursery ready before the baby is here or if I do it up once it is 6 months old and juggle being sleep deprived, needing to take care of a baby and set up a room. Surely it makes sense to prep while I have the time without the pressure of a baby

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BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 11:35

A non existent baby doesn’t need a nursery.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:36

@BettyDuMonde if we come home without baby which I know can happen I will know not to go in that room and leave it till we try again. If I pass away at least I will have made his burden easier and he can just focus on the baby and him for the first year at least

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:37

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you I will look them up. And thank you for your concern

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BettyDuMonde · 04/05/2019 11:44

I think you need a different DIY project to obsess over while you get professional mental health support - maybe get the kitchen or bathroom done.
Otherwise you are in danger of becoming the motherhood version of Miss Havisham.

How come you are calculating the numbers of baby grows needed before you are married anyway? You say your partner is a fiancé, right? Why aren’t you planning a wedding instead of a baby shower?

hopeishere · 04/05/2019 11:46

What yours saying about being all set up so very logical. What's not logical is doing this level of planning, thinking and prep before you're even pregnant.

You need to get some help.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:49

@BettyDuMonde we did hire a wedding planner who is holding my hand and guiding me through all this. I guess to me I just never liked having more then I saw myself using. Also if I like something I will buy multiples of it.

@hopeishere I do realise that but it helps put my mind at ease at least 80% of the time if I know I planned well and all is taken care of

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DonkeyHohtay · 04/05/2019 11:52

You are not getting it Moonchild - it is not helping you. It is a symptom of you being very unwell. It is far from normal to indulge in this level of planning for an event which may or may not happen, and is at least 2 years away.

See your GP, get counselling, speak to someone professional and listen to what everyone is saying.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:53

@BettyDuMonde right now I am just sorting through my personal items for what I love and what I no longer love. Wardrobe is down to 3 jumpers, 3 shirts, 3 tshirts, 5 skirts and two dresses. I sorted out 3 bags I keep all with an individual purpose and am trying to clear out the spare room so it will be empty for when the time does come. It will remain empty till then

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Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 11:56

@BettyDuMonde also we did just do the kitchen so bathroom is our next project after I clear the spare room

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cooldarkroom · 04/05/2019 11:57

re holidays, your husband is right, passport, & credit card, the rest is not a tragic problem
the same with imaginary baby stuff, what you don't have you can buy, if you haven't got enough you buy more....

I forgot I needed a baby bath, on the way home from the hospital we stopped at a shop & bought one .......

PlinkPlink · 04/05/2019 11:58

Oh gosh yes you will be grateful for extras.

I used to keep a spare set of clothes in DS's changing bag, just in case he had an explosive nappy or posseted everywhere 😂🙈

It is well worth keeping spares. We got given a whole bunch of stuff and some of it I wasn't too keen on but was bloody grateful when I hadn't managed to do a wash in time. Ds sometimes went through 3 changes of clothes a day.

We got given some baby bags too by people I've never met. Very kind of them. And it had things like baby bath, baby shampoo, baby moisturiser, nappies, clothes, nappy cream. And I was grateful for those too. When you run out of some of those at 2am in the morning, its lovely to know someone bought you spares.

I think you are really going to have to adjust your thoughts here. It is clear you want everything to be 'just so' and you've said you have an issue with this. At least you recognise it, that's a good thing. But the reality will hit home, when you're utterly exhausted and you have to ask someone else to help. They wont do it to your standards and good enough becomes just that. It's good enough. It will not be perfect. Not for a long time. So please try and keep in mind that you may have to adjust your expectations on how things will run.

Mummabear2212 · 04/05/2019 12:05

How will you manage when DC gets to toddler age? Where, with the best will in the world, some battles aren't worth it. Today, DS has got one welly on, a vest and a sun hat. I'll fight the battle for clothes when we go out, but currently it's not worth the battle and hes happy and warm. I dont really care. I'm not saying it to be horrid but I quickly realised that you cant control things or ever really be prepared for DC and once they can walk or talk then there is no chance of you managing every aspect. It's just not possible.

julensaor · 04/05/2019 12:05

you are really misplacing your anxiety. Not that it matters as this is a hypothetical baby, but some people like buying gifts and outfits for babies, it gives them more pleasure than buying baby wipes and practical items, so always accept a gift with good grace. You have no way of knowing what you will need, you have no way of knowing what type of baby you may have, but most importantly you have no way of knowing if you will have a baby at all. That is where my anxiety would lie, if I tended to be anxious. It is not a given.

You really need to live in the present, day by day, control your day if it settles your mind, but this amount of worry and projection is wasted energy on something that may or may not happen.

PaperHead · 04/05/2019 12:05

OP, do you have a job? Because it sounds as if you are spending your life worrying about completely irrelevant/distant/ minor things, and as if your rage for meticulous pre-planning might, if properly channeled, be useful in certain professional situations.

Original poster
Moonchild1987 · 04/05/2019 12:06

@PlinkPlink I had originally accounted for 4-5 outfits a day and doing the laundry every 3-4 days and of course spot cleaning any vomit or poop off before putting it in the laundry basket so thought as we tumble dry 15 will be plenty but I can see what you mean

I do realise I might have to ask for help from people as much as I hate being a bother

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