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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a funeral

248 replies

typoqueen · 03/05/2019 13:58

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

OP posts:
formerbabe · 03/05/2019 13:59

You sound as cold as ice

Sauvignonblanket · 03/05/2019 14:01

In the nicest possible way, and I understand what you mean, but funerals are an important rite of passage to help the people left behind. If I went first, I would be wanting everything to be as easy as possible for my DH and children and if they had a preference I would be led by that.

Veronicat · 03/05/2019 14:01

My friends mum had this. They had a gathering after the ashes were returned. It was really lovely.

TheTrollFairy · 03/05/2019 14:02

Funerals are for the living. My grandad didn’t have one (at his request) and I don’t feel as though I got my closure with it. Of course you don’t have to go to funerals if this is what you want but I think forcing this particular issue on people who want it is a bit unfair (although I understand your logic)

PrettyPretty · 03/05/2019 14:02

Direct cremation seems to be coming more popular (if that’s the right word) I think some people want to save their families the expense and worry

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 03/05/2019 14:03

Not at all unreasonable. And you don't sound cold at all Smile

I'm not having one and have articulated that in my will. It's my life and my choice. And I'm not at all cold either!

ShitAtScarbble · 03/05/2019 14:04

You don't sound cold at all - more eminently sensible! My Mum didn't want all the fuss and wasted expense and we respected her wishes. She was cremated and we also had a family gathering to scatter her ashes. It was exactly what she wanted and it is exactly what I also want.
Good for you OP for knowing what you want and making it clear!

Alsohuman · 03/05/2019 14:05

Funerals are for the living. I’ll be dead so have zero interest in what my family does, they should do whatever gives them comfort.

DoneLikeAKipper · 03/05/2019 14:06

i really do not see the point of them

They do seem a ridiculously expensive way of putting a dead person to rest/disposing of a body. I’d quite happily have the cheapest/most eco friendly option possible, but funerals services are generally for the living. It’s part of the acceptance that person is dead, closer as it were. In the animal kingdom, creatures often need be near their dead kin to find acceptance in their death and humans are no different - we just do it with a bit of pomp and circumstance.

Chesntoots · 03/05/2019 14:06

My will states cheapest method of disposal.

I've been to plenty of funerals (my Christmas list is very short...) and don't see the point in them, especially the food etc laid on afterwards.

I will be dead and not care too much and I would rather my family treated themselves to something nice rather than spaff the money on a funeral.

Baloonphobia · 03/05/2019 14:07

Your funeral is not really about you. It's about those left behind. You won't be around for yours so why do you care? Seems a stupid thing to fall out over.

DoneLikeAKipper · 03/05/2019 14:07

Closure not closer, sausage fingers!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 03/05/2019 14:08

Funerals are an awful waste of money.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 03/05/2019 14:09

ah well, when you're dead you dont have an opinion!

CustardySergeant · 03/05/2019 14:09

My mother died a month ago and there was no funeral. She had previously said that she wanted direct cremation. I will also have that when the time comes, as will my husband. It's fine.

AJPTaylor · 03/05/2019 14:10

That's what I want. But it will be up to others. If I'm 95, prob nobody will be much bothered. If it were tomorrow, possibly might want to gather. But as I am of the view that when you die, that's it I don't really care!

Fatted · 03/05/2019 14:11

Given that a funeral can cost thousands, I'd sooner my family spent the money on something more practical. I work over the road from a crematorium and honestly some of the extravagant nonsense you see is ridiculous.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 03/05/2019 14:12

ah well, when you're dead you dont have an opinion!

Do you reckon? Piss me off when I'm dead and I'll haunt you forever .....

SingingSands · 03/05/2019 14:12

I can see both sides of the argument, but don't come back and haunt your family if they go against your wishes!

Baloonphobia · 03/05/2019 14:12

I'm Irish. Love a good funeral. Only chance to meet all the relatives now everyone who's going to get married has already done so.

Furiosa · 03/05/2019 14:12

Not U at all.

I want to be fly tipped Grin

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 03/05/2019 14:15

I can see both sides of the argument, but don't come back and haunt your family if they go against your wishes!

It was kinda tongue in cheek but .... I do expect people to respect my wishes. I doubt anyone'll give a shit when it's my time to be honest Grin

maggiecate · 03/05/2019 14:16

If you don't want to be 'there' they have the option of a memorial service or marking your passing in some other way. It's good that you're talking about it - too many people don't. Keep the conversation open and maybe you can come up with something that meets their needs without you feeling your wishes are being ignored. As you say, hopefully it's a long way off. Once they've been to a few more funerals they may understand how you feel more.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 03/05/2019 14:16

I agree with you OP, just don't see the point in spending stupid money on funerals, the same way I felt when we got married.

IncrediblySadToo · 03/05/2019 14:24

I think it’s selfish to deny your family having a funeral for you if that’s what they want. If they want to gather together to share their loss and their memories of you, why would you deny them that?

I don’t care whether they do or don’t have one for me, I don’t care if they only invite a few close friends or the entire world...whatever brings them the most comfort. My only comment on it is for them to do what they want, I don’t want ‘fuss’ because they feel they should/have to. I’ve told them I won’t be judging their love by how many cars there are or what flowers are on my casket. They know some songs I like, but they also know I don’t care if they want to chose things they prefer. Do what helps them, I’ll be beyond being able to be helped