AIBU to not want a funeral

[typoqueen]

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

Mine is going to be MASSIVE! I want church, hymns, eulogies, flowers, everyone in black, hats optional but preferable and a fabulous wake. People will be talking about it for years! And me. My life is important to me and my family. Plus people round here love a funeral.

People sometimes turn out to watch funeral processions, I can't see why on earth people would do that when they didn't know the deceased and don't even know their name.

I want to be buried in a remote graveyard that’s been closed to burials for years and that you can’t get a motor vehicle anywhere near. So, if my wishes are followed, my burial will have to take place secretly at dead of night and involve hardy souls wrangling my coffin on foot from the nearest road and trying to make the ground look undisturbed afterwards...

Nothing wrong with that. What service they have beside that is up to those left behind to grieve. Funerals are for the living not the dead.

Yes, the family can do what they want once you’re dead, @Damntheman - however if they know you really don’t want a funeral, but they really feel they need one, they are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If they choose a funeral, they have to contend with the guilt of going against your wishes, but if they decide to honour your wishes, they are left with the pain of not saying a proper goodbye.

So - either way, they lose, at an already difficult time.

I can absolutely understand why people don’t like funerals, don’t feel them to be useful or helpful in the grieving process, and don’t want to be the centre of attention at one - but equally, I have been to a number of funerals, including close relatives - my dad, who dies very suddenly, my lovely MIL who died of cancer, and a cousin who committed suicide - and in every case, I felt that the funerals were a perfect celebration of the person who had died and gave comfort to those of us left behind. They were entirely positive experiences - not happy-positive - there was a lot of sadness there - but good and right.

Maybe what we need, for the posters who would hate having a funeral when they die, is something that isn’t a funeral, but allows their nearest and dearest some way to say goodbye, and share their happy memories - something that would be right for all concerned. It might mean a bit of compromise on both sides, but most things in life do, and it would be better than one side or the other feeling their views weren’t being considered at all.

People sometimes turn out to watch funeral processions, I can't see why on earth people would do that when they didn't know the deceased and don't even know their name.

In the case if the older population, I believe it's the sign of respect to a life lived. Many of that generation never got that chance due to the War.

As my fathers cortège left, an elderly gentleman at the bus stop removed his hat and bowed his head.

He did not know my dad. He didn't even know who's funeral it was.

But it was incredibly touching. All of saw and it's still commented on.

As my fathers cortège left, an elderly gentleman at the bus stop removed his hat and bowed his head.

I think that is lovely, and entirely appropriate but going out specially to watch a funeral is inappropriate.

People sometimes turn out to watch funeral processions,I can't see why on earth people would do that when they didn't know the deceased and don't even know their name.

This happened when my uncle died. He was a semi famous musician and very well known 8n his town. He was also an alcoholic, as were many of his friends. Instead of waking the body at home, his DDs agreed to a funeral procession around the town and people came out to the main street to pay their respects. I'm sure a few visitors didn't know what was going on, but if they were in the pubs they had no choice as all the pubs shut for ten minutes.

I don’t want a funeral either and only would show up to one to support someone else. Seeing the shell of someone I love in a coffin is the last thing I want etched in my memory because it takes away from the great memories I have of them when they were alive.

I’m looking to do cremation so some of my ashes could be placed in a piece of jewellery or a tree, and/or scattered in one of my favourite places in the world. My loved ones know that I would rather have a party near the beach with dancing and music and have lanterns with messages they want to say unleashed, celebrating the life I led than my body dressed up in an expensive box in a church (not religious in the slightest) and having that be people’s last memory of me. My earliest memory at 3 is actually going to a funeral and seeing a person in a coffin. I still have the memories of my grandparents funerals in my head and that’s the last thing I would want to leave for my children.

That sounds like a lovely farewell, @phoenixrosehere - perfect for you and for those left behind.

Personally I want a big do, everyone in black, loads of flowers, my favourite hymns, readings and eulogy that makes people laugh.
I’d then like everyone to go and get absolutely pissed as farts

YABU.

My Mum was just like you, insisted on no funeral and it made things a lot worse for those of us left behind. The process of a funeral helps people say goodbye. I wish she has let us go through the process as it made it much harder for me to move on.

I agree that you are being selfish, it is about the welfare of who you leave behind.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you not particularly wanting one.

There's everything wrong with making a big deal of it so that your grieving children and husband, who clearly would want one, will feel they're going against their wishes if they held one.

What you think doesn't matter a jot; you'll be dead. What they feel they need is what's important. Why on earth wouldn't you want them to take their comfort where they can?

The process of a funeral helps people say goodbye
Not everybody. It hasn't helped me at all, I find them meaningless, and I would guess some other people feel the same way, given the rising popularity in direct cremations.

So feeling, you think that only those who don’t want funerals should have their wishes respected?

I repeat, funerals, or lack thereof, are a decision for the living. The dead are dead. Tell your nearest and dearest they can do what the hell they like.

I think you must do what you want, OP.

and have lanterns with messages they want to say unleashed, celebrating the life I led

That's a nice idea, but those lanterns are really bad for wildlife, as well as the fire risk if they land on anything before going out. You should think of another way to do that.

'The process of a funeral helps people say goodbye.'

I am sorry about your loss, and your experience; but a funeral doesn't help everyone. For people who wish to remember the person as they were when alive, and/or people who find that having to grieve in public rather than in private adds to their distress, a funeral may be very painful at a time when they are already experiencing grief.

I am very grateful to both my parents for saying that they didn't want a funeral (spontaneously and sincerely; no pressure from me - they weren't even aware of my feelings at that time), and thus sparing me the need to make my grief 'social' and have to deal with others' pressures and expectations at an already-painful time.

I realize that there are problems when there is a clash between what someone would prefer regarding a funeral or not, and what their relatives would find comforting versus painful. This is as true of people who want a 'big send-off' when their relatives would find this painful, as those who demand no funeral when their relatives feel that they need one. In general, probably the relatives' preferences should take precedence in such a clash, as they will be there, and the deceased person won't!

One possible compromise might perhaps be to have no funeral but to have a memorial service at a later stage, when people's emotions may be less raw, and the focus may be more on commemorating the person who died, rather than emphasizing death and publicizing grief. But of course for some people this might seem the worst of both worlds.

It's a great idea OP! I didnt know you could do that. You are not cold just practical.
must remember to write into my will, and include a parting letter or something for the fuzzy people who want to grief and be emo at a pub.
donate organs and body for science then cremation.
the dead do not give a fuck for the living's rituals

Where do you stand on the issue of entertaining visitors on the driveway? Or answering the doorbell?

a funeral may be very painful at a time when they are already experiencing grief Grief is pain. As far as I'm concerned a funeral is cathartic event.

Funerals bring me no comfort at all.

Telling your family they can do what they like is an absolute minefield that could cause permanent rifts. People are so emotional at those times it's much better to have left firm instructions that nobody can question. My dad left no wishes, my mum and full siblings wanted direct cremation followed by family outing the following summer to scatter ashes somewhere meaningful together. My half siblings wanted a full on funeral. It was an emotional mess of angst and bad feeling. Things turned out for the best in the end and we did both options but it could have ended much worse. Leave firm instructions, your family will be better off for it.

I also note that the people inquiring why you didn't go to your parents funeral haven't responded to my answer as to why I didn't go to my dad's.

”the dead do not give a fuck for the living's rituals”

But people should give a fuck of the needs and feelings of their nearest and dearest, @MrsBAF.