AIBU to not want a funeral

[typoqueen]

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

I didn't even know this could be done
I would prefer it personally.
I'd like people to remember me as I was when alive, not the corpse lying in the coffin.
I don't like funerals either, as I'm NC with my siblings and parents I doubt I'll be attending either theirs or other family/friends that would bring me into contact with those I'm trying to avoid.

I didn't even know this could be done

Of course it can you just arrange for your body to be cremated. There's no requirement to have a service in the crematorium.

I don't want a funeral either, seems a lot of palaver for no good cause, plus i can't see anyone mourning my passing particularly. I hace no children and presuming i outlive my parents, my sister is my only immediate relative and we aren't close.

My neighbour didn't want a funeral and he died at home with close family mourning him. His body was cremated and the family held a celebration of life for him a month later. It gave his wife a breathing space.

They had a big buffet, bonfire and a fireworks display and people shared memories of him. It was a modern form of an Irish wake.

@ddl1 - what if your closest relatives felt the need of a funeral/memorial type service, to help them grieve and move on? Which would matter more to you - your choice, or their needs - bearing in mind that you won’t be there to be upset by it, but they will be, and might find it more upsetting not to have a funeral?

do not understand why im being classed as "cold" there is no written rule saying i have to attend my parents funeral, i had my reasons and they are no ones business but my own, yes most of you are right once im dead there is nothing i can do about it, but personally i would respect someone else's wishes, well unless they demanded i attended their funeral of course.

Totally with you OP. Only 1 person comes out of the funeral smiling.

All societies have some kind of celebration to mark someone’s passing. It’s an important rite. I actually think it’s a real indication of how far we have drifted from a communal society that so many want to abandon this. A sign of isolation and pulling up the drawbridge.

I actually think it’s outrageous to try to control this from the grave. I would have been gutted if we didn’t have a funeral for my father, I would be gutted if I couldn’t have one for my mother (and surprised, she loves a good funeral) and I am gutted that MIL has said she doesn’t want one, for reasons that absolutely do not stand up.

I don't want one either.
Id just put a notice in the paper that "funeral" has already taken place. I'll be dead so it won't matter.

'what if your closest relatives felt the need of a funeral/memorial type service, to help them grieve and move on? Which would matter more to you - your choice, or their needs - bearing in mind that you won’t be there to be upset by it, but they will be, and might find it more upsetting not to have a funeral?'

Their needs, if they actually do wish to have a funeral. I would prefer if they didn't, but I won't be there, so as I said, they can do as they wish. However, I would not wish them to feel pressurized to have a funeral just out of convention. If they really do feel comforted by it, rather than it adding to their pain, then I won't stop them - well, I can't if I'm dead, can I? My expressing my wishes is more a way to give them an excuse to resist any social pressures toward a funeral gathering that might come their way.

Melon I have been to wonderful funerals where there has been as much laughter as tears. At my dad’s funeral their neighbour, who was also the minister at his funeral, came round to the wake with his new grandchild and everyone loved seeing the baby. It was a chance for catching up with old family and friends, a lovely gathering, even though he dropped down dead out of nothing at all in his early 60s.

Scattering his ashes was bloody awful though. Do not scatter ashes in a river with ducks!

i had my reasons and they are no ones business but my own

I suspect that the only reason is that you dont like funerals, based on your OP.

but personally i would respect someone else's wishes, well unless they demanded i attended their funeral of course.

Well how lovely of you, respectful and considerate of you

My opinion still stands of your actions being cold and selfish.

That’s a very fair answer, @ddl1.

Direct cremation is not much cheaper than a very basic funeral.

Of course you can express your wishes but your funeral is really for people who loved and knew you to share their grief and their good memories and support one another. You'll be dead - it won't make any difference to you.

'what if your closest relatives felt the need of a funeral/memorial type service, to help them grieve and move on?

Well in the unlikely event anyone feels that strongly they can organise a get together in a pub, my corpse in a box and a few empty platitudes at a crematorium chapel won't add much. A schoolfriend died and people still meet up in his local pub on his birthday and the anniversary of his death some 15 years later to share stories. I can imagine that's more meaningful for attendees.

its not about saving money, i just dont want a funeral, i do not see what is wrong with that.

I don't want one. My.husband knows that I'd like him to have me cremated and he and my girls can scatter me at my favourite beach followed by a pub lunch.

However if my girls were desperate to have one then that's okay. I've got 6k put aside for it so far but hopefully they'll be able to have a holiday (or whatever) with that

I want a direct cremation too.

I know two people who have sadly died very recently. Neither wanted a funeral.

I would much prefer people to meet up in the pub and remember me. That said, if a funeral is really important to any of my children then I hope they disregard my wishes and do what helps them get through.

i do not see what is wrong with that

You dont think giving your family the chance to grieve that way they would want to is important? You can honestly say you dont care about your family's feelings when they will be hurting and in pain and trying to cope with losing you? You dont see how putting them in that position is at all wrong?

That’s what they think they want now. Who knows what they’ll think once the time comes.

I can’t imagine my parents telling me what they want and then doing the opposite because that’s how I want to deal with losing them. What’s the point in discussing it with me then if I’m just going to do what I want because they’re no longer “here”.

100% with you on this! I think the same

You dont think giving your family the chance to grieve that way they would want to is important? well they can organise that off their own bat, can't they?

If you don’t mind asking Why did you not attend your parents funeral ??
What did other people think of your non attendance as you are the hosts basically, who hosted the wake ?

I think there's a damn good reason every culture I can think of has some sort of a funeral ritual. It may not be of any value to you - you'll be dead - but it has enormous value to the people you leave behind. And at that stage it's not actually about you anymore - it's about giving the people you leave behind a chance to acknowledge their loss, to celebrate your life, to come together to grieve. I think denying them that would be incredibly selfish.

well they can organise that off their own bat, can't they?

Well, not if they want to honour her wishes they cant! It creates a moral dilemma for the family.