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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a funeral

248 replies

typoqueen · 03/05/2019 13:58

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 03/05/2019 16:19

There seem to be different definitions of what a funeral is in this thread.

I find funerals really important and cathartic but the form doesn't matter. To me the wake IS the funeral, or a large part of it. If you say 'I don't want a funeral but scatter my ashes and go to the pub after' to me that's still a funeral!

So I'd say be specific about what you really don't want. Is it ANY collective acknowledgement of your death? because that would be appalling. Or is it just 'don't have a church service or a straight crem service but do something nice together' that sounds fine.

My husband's funeral was a very very bright spot in a very dark time, and I am certain it helped my son, and in fact all his friends, who wrote me the loveliest messages about dh, stuff I didn't even know. You don't know what the future holds, why try to control it from the grave??

LucheroTena · 03/05/2019 16:25

I’m the same, didn’t want a wedding, don’t want a funeral. Horrible things really. I’ve told DH and DD to spend the least amount possible in disposing of my remains.

Alsohuman · 03/05/2019 16:25

@optical, that’s so moving. I’m glad something good came of your awful loss. 💐

Chloemol · 03/05/2019 16:26

Sounds fine to me, they can then have a service when they bury or scatter your ashes so will still have a goodbye. We won’t even get that with my mother who has left her body to science and if they take it we won’t want the bits back. If they don’t then it’s a direct to crem it’s her wishes

warriorprincessandwidowed · 03/05/2019 16:30

A funeral is not for the dead but the living.

You will dead what do you give a cunty fuck for

Drogosnextwife · 03/05/2019 16:33

Why do you care you will be dead? I mean you will technically be attending a funeral, but you won't know about it.

StoatofDisarray · 03/05/2019 16:36

I know what you mean, OP, and I feel the same way, but I'd butt out if I was you. Like everyone else has said, funerals are for the living, and you'll be dead anyway, so it's really not your say.

Don't be such a party pooper!

Widowodiw · 03/05/2019 16:38

Yes I wouldn’t want one either. We had to wait 4 weeks for my husbands funeral which with children was unbearable. If we hadn’t done a funeral
We could have still had a gathering but on our terms and when we wanted.

granadagirl · 03/05/2019 16:42

I’m a no fuss person always have been.
I went ahead and had a big wedding, because everyone I worked with at the time was doing that.
So as to not feel we couldn’t afford one, I went along with it all
I hated the fuss, people looking, talking to people/family you haven’t seen or been in contact with for years.
I’ve always been quiet/shy person
And definitely not a party person
Hate party’s, just not me

I might sound a miserable get to some people, but everyone is different! I have 6 sisters and I’m the reserve one.

So I’m defo have what I want at my funeral,
It will be straight to crematorium, anyone can attend if they wish too make there own way there.
I’d have funeral director say a reading and prayer. That’s it
If son/dp want a plate in garden of remembrance ok, if not they can split ashes and do what they want

There’s me dp and my son(29)
I’m the youngest of my sisters
No parents alive.

Fil cremation/after event cost 7k
I just felt it was all for show !
Peoples plates piled high with food, because it was free.

I’d rather give my money left to son/dp and not have them get in debt (if they had no money) to pay for it

phoenixrosehere · 03/05/2019 16:45

Yanbu.

I think they’re being selfish tbh. They would be saying good bye to a body. You wouldn’t be there. Plus, funerals are expensive and do they really want to go through all the planning and stress for one while grieving over you?

My grandpa had a military funeral and it was quite stressful for my mother to plan. Her mother/my grandmother wanted the same as you, no fuss, cremation and that was it. It was less stress for my mum and she has grandmother’s ashes in a beautiful urn on her mantelpiece. She also has decided she wants to be cremated as well as my uncle and the rest. My dad has also decided the same after going through his parents funerals and others. He says the more he goes to the more set he is in cremation. People that hadn’t talked or seen the deceased in ages show up yet couldn’t find the time to do so when they’re living. He rather not put us through the spectacle and having to deal with that nonsense, he says.

wornoutboots · 03/05/2019 16:45

I really don't want to have a funeral either - I don't like being the focus of a crowd. Which is a bit daft because I won't be there anyway. But I'd rather my family say their goodbyes somewhere we have had a good time together rather than have to publically mourn.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 03/05/2019 16:48

OP if you donate your body to medical science I think you get around the funeral issue.

azulmariposa · 03/05/2019 16:50

You'll be dead, you won't even know! Sorry to sound harsh, but if that's how your family wish to say goodbye, then let them.

ScreamingValenta · 03/05/2019 16:51

My family have similar instructions, OP. YANBU. Funerals are just a way of extorting money from vulnerable, grieving people.

katseyes7 · 03/05/2019 16:52

With respect, l do think your family should have a say in what happens. lt's closure for them, and helps with the grieving process.

Having said that.... l'm looking at direct cremation. But l live 100 miles from my home town and the only family l have left is a cousin, and l wouldn't want her traipsing down here to see me off when l've shuffled off to the choir invisible.
l have a few friends here but certainly not enough to fill more than a couple of pews at the crematorium, which is my reason for choosing the minimalist one. That and the cost.

VickyEadie · 03/05/2019 16:54

My partner and I (we have no kids) have both written into our wills that we don't want funerals, just direct cremation.

vintanner · 03/05/2019 17:08

I'm with you OP.

Mentioned this at work years ago and one of my colleagues was shocked, asking what if she wanted to pay her respects to me? I said she should respect me while I'm alive - she didn't like that.

As I haven't seen any family (aunts/uncles/cousins) or ex-friends, for years, I'm not bothered about paying for them to have a get together over my coffin, I certainly won't be at their funeral and TBH probably won't know when they pass on.

As long as your nearest family are okay with your arrangements (as are mine) and it is legal, it has nothing whatsoever to do with anybody else.

CloudPop · 03/05/2019 17:15

My parents have opted to leave their bodies to medical science.

chocolategivesmehives · 03/05/2019 17:15

I’ve told DH I want a direct cremation. They can have bit of a knees up when they scatter my ashes if they like. We’re a teeny tiny family so I would hate the possibly 6 or 8 people who would attend my funeral to to be scattered around the 100 or so seats at the crem - it would look ridiculous Grin.

I’d much rather DH and my DSis and her family sat around a roaring fire, drinking good red wine, eating good cheese, and reminiscing about the good times.

user1497997754 · 03/05/2019 17:17

I will be dead....but def don't want any form of funeral....and I don't want anyone to collect my ashes...funerals are bloody awful I refuse to go anymore....i have always hated them and i love my daughtet far to much to put her in a situstion where she has to organise one as she will be feeling bad enough as it is. They are old fashioned and out dated i totally agree with the poster x

Alsohuman · 03/05/2019 17:24

Ashes have to be collected or arrangements made for them. The crematorium won’t just keep them. I don’t understand why people get so exercised about something they won’t even know about.

WellVersedInEtiquette · 03/05/2019 17:25

My step dads mum left instructions for after her death and the first line said 'straight to the crem'
She didn't go to church, didn't see the point in 'wasting money' and it helped prevent a huge row when his brother wanted a full church service.

VickyEadie · 03/05/2019 17:26

Ashes have to be collected or arrangements made for them. The crematorium won’t just keep them.

In fact, a surprisingly large number of people opt for the crematorium to scatter them...

Oysterbabe · 03/05/2019 17:28

My mum had expressed some preferences for what happened after she died. When she died suddenly and too young my dad ignored them and did what he wanted. We all understood, it made no difference to her, she was dead.

Alsohuman · 03/05/2019 17:30

That was what I meant by arrangements, they don’t just do it automatically. You have to say you want that. They probably charge for it too.

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