Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a funeral

248 replies

typoqueen · 03/05/2019 13:58

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

OP posts:
Mythreeknights · 03/05/2019 14:34

My dad has told me he doesn't want a funeral either, and neither of my grandparents had one. Their ashes were scattered under a tree by my dad and my aunt, no fuss and just what they wanted. I find it harder to be honest - I can't imagine my dad dying and us not celebrating his life together. But, it's what he wants and you should do what you want.

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 14:37

my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

With all due respect OP, you do sound really cold. You didn't even attend your own parents funeral? How are other posters ignoring that aspect of the OP?! Unless you had a serious, serious awful relationship with you parents (and maybe not even then) I cannot grasp how you could be so cold as to not attend their funeral and pay respect?

Funerals are also a way for people to say good bye and grieve, do you not care at all about the feelings of your DH, Children and family on this? You are happy to take their chance of closure away? That is very cold and harsh. I simply couldn't imagine being that selfish of a person.

thewinehasgonetomyhead · 03/05/2019 14:38

I feel the same OP. Just a gathering to scatter ashes then everyone to the pub.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/05/2019 14:43

@typoqueen - as others have said, the funeral is about the living, not the dead.

Do you really want to deny your nearest and dearest something that would bring THEM comfort, at what will be a very difficult and unhappy time for them? Do you want to add to their pain, at that time, by stipulating no funeral, when having one would have absolutely NO impact on you?

Which matters more - your preferences or their feelings?

feelingverylazytoday · 03/05/2019 14:45

Yes this is what I've decided as well. My NOK (my kids) can scatter my ashes, have a drink, plant a bush in my memory or just do whatever they feel like doing to mark my passing.
From what I can find out there's about £2000 difference between a direct cremation and a standard funeral, thats a lot of money to me and I'd rather it was spent doing something useful.

lyralalala · 03/05/2019 14:45

I think it's absolutely fine to attend or not attend funerals when you are alive, but it's very selfish to dictate absolutely what your family should do when you are dead.

Funerals are for the living. Not the dead.

My MIL's parents both dictated exactly what they wanted to happen when they died. It put her under enormous pressure to carry out their wishes. In one case she absolutely hated it and in the other she couldn't actually have something they'd dictated done. It added immensley to her grief.

By all means give an opinion (mine know I'd rather no religion, but in terms of burial or cremation or service I want them to do what they feel comfortble with), but let your family grieve you in their way as you grieve the people you lose in your way.

Pinkblanket · 03/05/2019 14:45

My dad didn't want one, so we didn't have one. I don't regret it for a second.

MerryMarigold · 03/05/2019 14:46

With all due respect - you'll be dead so you won't care.

If those living want to do it, why would you stop them? It's for them, not for you.

formerbabe · 03/05/2019 14:46

Why didn't you go to your parents funerals? Unless they were abusive to you, I don't get it. Weren't the other people there a bit Confused at the fact one of their children wasn't there?

ineedaknittedhat · 03/05/2019 14:46

I don't want a funeral either. I've told dh that I want a plain woodland burial, no service or, if that's too expensive, a direct cremation.

I don't want embalming, announcements in the paper or a hearse either. Just a cheap biodegradable coffin. I hate funerals and they're such a waste of money. I'm autistic and have no friends or extended family to keep happy.

Pinkblanket · 03/05/2019 14:47

There are many ways to celebrate the life of a person without a funeral. We loved him dearly, abiding by his wishes was of great comfort.

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 14:48

Can someone on here please explain how its OK to not attend their parent's funeral? I can't get my head around doing such a disrespectful thing but yet nobody seems bothered by it?

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 14:48

@formerbabe Thank you, i'm not alone! I thought i was going crazy being the only one to question this

lyralalala · 03/05/2019 14:50

Can someone on here please explain how its OK to not attend their parent's funeral? I can't get my head around doing such a disrespectful thing but yet nobody seems bothered by it?

We have no idea of the OP's relationship with her parents.

I didn't attend either of my parents funerals as they were abusive and neglectful and I was brought up by my grandparents from 7.

Pinkblanket · 03/05/2019 14:50

Would it not also be disrespectful to have attended my father's cremation when he said he didn't want us to?

formerbabe · 03/05/2019 14:51

I didn't attend either of my parents funerals as they were abusive and neglectful and I was brought up by my grandparents from 7

That's understandable

feelingverylazytoday · 03/05/2019 14:51

GreytExpectations I think it's a personal decision really . I expect the OP had their reasons.

FaithFrank · 03/05/2019 14:53

As PP have said, funerals are for the living.

You won't be there, so what difference does it make to you?

By making this demand, you are potentially putting your grieving family in the position of either not having a funeral and making it harder for them as they would find the ritual comforting, or having a funeral and making it harder for them as 'it is not what you would have wanted'. Why would you want to make bereavement harder for your loved ones?

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 14:54

I didn't attend either of my parents funerals as they were abusive and neglectful and I was brought up by my grandparents from 7

Obviously, that is a much different situation. I'd like to think that most people are fortunate enough to not have had that kind of upbringing.

I expect the OP had their reasons.

Yes, she gave her reason- she doesn't like funerals. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming up, doesn't seem like a good enough reason not to go to your own parents funeral.

feelingverylazytoday · 03/05/2019 15:01

FaithFrank so the OP should make herself want a funeral then so her family can have one and pretend it's what she wanted?
It's usual to respect the dead person's last wishes, and many people don't want a funeral. Not everyone finds them comforting.

Fudgenugget · 03/05/2019 15:02

I am a social phobic, and I hate a lot of fuss. I'm very reserved. When I got married we had a tiny do. We didn't get our daughter christened (it's up to her which religion dh wants to follow). I am not anti-rites of passage per se, more I hate the attention, real, fake or otherwise. So I don't see why I should be fawned over after my demise when I hated it when I was alive. My MH makes it difficult for me to accept that, other that DH and DD, anyone will care. So, no funeral for me, thank you. Direct cremation, then chuck the ashes off Brighton Pier. Job done.

DH has expressed to me that he doesn't want a funeral either. "Feed me to the foxes, I won't care" he says. We are both atheist. The body needs to be disposed of, but the person has gone. The light is out. We've done our living, now it's over. That's the plan.

perroy · 03/05/2019 15:04

Yes, she gave her reason- she doesn't like funerals. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming up, doesn't seem like a good enough reason not to go to your own parents funeral.

If she wanted to explain she would have already.

I'd like to think that most people are fortunate enough to not have had that kind of upbringing.

You may want to think so but that is not reality for a lot of us.

Does not make us cold. Be grateful for what you have and do not judge the rest of us.

LL83 · 03/05/2019 15:07

Funerals are for the living so tell family not to do it for your benefit but you cant tell them not to have a funeral.

You have more of a say on dh funeral really, but if the children or other important people want it then it would be selfish to deny them it (unless really cant effort it)

formerbabe · 03/05/2019 15:08

You may want to think so but that is not reality for a lot of us.

Does not make us cold. Be grateful for what you have and do not judge the rest of us

No one thinks you're cold if you don't attend the funeral of abusive parents. You are putting words in people's mouths. But if you didn't attend the funeral of your parent simply because you don't like funerals, that's is really quite unusual don't you think?

Mummyshark2018 · 03/05/2019 15:10

I think you're being a bit selfish. It's fine giving your wishes about the type of funeral you want but you're not actually going to experience it. Funerals are for the living to help them to collectively grieve for the person they love. My Nan wanted a low key funeral- crematorium, no burial or place of remembrance. It's been really hard and her children have found it incredibly difficult to move on. My Nan hated fuss and l think she thought she was sparing the family but actually it caused more grief.

Swipe left for the next trending thread