AIBU to not want a funeral

[typoqueen]

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

I also note that the people inquiring why you didn't go to your parents funeral haven't responded to my answer as to why I didn't go to my dad's.

Perhaps that's because you're not the OP? Her reasons won't necessarily be the same as yours.

Or maybe they didn't see your post.

yes when alive you should give a fuck about your nearest and dearest.
when dead, well, it doesn't matter

Yes when you’re alive you should give a fuck about your nearest and dearest. When dead, well it doesn’t matter

I very much cared that DD looked horrified when I said I was thinking about a direct cremation and as I do give a fuck about how she feels, I have no wish for her to be unnecessarily distressed once I’m not around. Which is why I changed my plan to a bog standard cremation with whatever she would like to do afterwards.

I very much cared that DD looked horrified when I said I was thinking about a direct cremation and as I do give a fuck about how she feels, I have no wish for her to be unnecessarily distressed once I’m not around. Which is why I changed my plan to a bog standard cremation with whatever she would like to do afterwards

I think that’s the key. Give your loved ones an idea what you think so they’re not spending time wondering what you’d like, but don’t make it so rigid that they feel obliged to do something that will make them feel worse.

This isn’t really a ‘AIBU to not want a funeral’ it’s more ‘AIBU to insist on no funeral at all even though my spouse and children have been open that they would want a funeral and find it important’

Equally I think it’s incredibly unfair to have super detailed plans that mean your loved ones feel obliged to follow to the detail and could feel bad about if they can’t - especially if you expect them to finance that.

I don't want a funeral or any sort of announcement or acknowledgement beyond maybe a group email to inform family members. My life isn't such that I would want it celebrated or remembered.

”yes when alive you should give a fuck about your nearest and dearest.
when dead, well, it doesn't matter”

But the people we love will carry on having feelings after we have gone, @MrsBAF - so if we can spare them pain, at no cost to ourselves, why wouldn’t we - if we really do care about them.

Funerals are for the people left behind, and are often a huge part of moving on. Your poor family will devastated enough when you’ve gone without having to feel guilty about going against your wishes if they want to have a funeral for you. Stop being so bloody selfish, it’s not like you’ll know anything about it.

Yeah stop being so bloody selfish op in expecting your dying wishes to be honoured by your loved ones when you die.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder what I read on here.
The op doesn’t want a funeral. For people to see this as an act of selfishness is unbelievable

aposterhasnoname
So who funds this funeral the OP does not want?

I don't want a funeral either on the basis that's it will just be another job for my kids to do on top of all the paperwork, and then someone would have to write a eulogy etc..Direct cremation much simpler and least stressful. Relatives can still choose to have a memorial or remembrance of their choice if they want to without any pressure.

How is it not an act of selfishness to insist on something that will have zero effect on (dead) you but will cause your (living) loved ones pain, @Everydaypeople?

The op doesn’t want a funeral. For people to see this as an act of selfishness is unbelievable

I find that mind boggling. To my mind burial arrangements should reflect the wishes of the deceased, most else is secondary. I certainly don't see it as group therapy for friends and family.

My Grandmother died recently, she was the only Christian in a family that otherwise consisted of atheists and agnostics. Her funeral servixe was held in a church and contained numerous bible readings, hymns and references to the afterlife. To those assembled such godtalk and everlasting life mumbo-jumbo was meaningless verging on the annoying and certainly didn't bring comfort of closure to the bereaved. However it was important to my late gran and those wishes were honoured.

I woukd consider it the height of selfishness on our part if we'd thought, 'oh a humanist service would be more meaningful to us ' or 'i think Jewish/Buddhist funerals look lovely, let's have one of those instead.'

What if the family are saying they want a funeral in order not to sound as if they don't care? In fact it might be a relief not to have one, in which case OP would be doing them a favour by making it her choice and therefore relieving them of any responsibility or guilt.

So who funds this funeral the OP does not want?

The people who do want it, obviously.

I’m not sure what you find about my post mind boggling funky
I have said that the ops wishes should be honoured by their loved ones. I am in agreement with the op.
It’s selfish of them to want a funeral when the deceased has said they don’t. That’s my opinion and while a lot of people disagree that’s up to them.
My df has made arrangements to donate his body to the university for medical research. Does that mean I should just go against his wishes and arrange a funeral to ease my own grief. No , I wouldn’t dream of it

Weepingwillow WTF? Do not tell me what to tell my 'nearest and dearest'
Now to answer your question, the people who do want funerals should also have their last wishes respected. It goes both ways. Why wouldn't it?

The “huge amount of work” organising a funeral really isn’t. It takes very little time and effort to visit an undertaker and make some basic choices. I found writing both my parents’ eulogies immensely therapeutic, ditto choosing appropriate music and poetry. Creating an occasion specific and appropriate to them was the final act of love. I’d have been heartbroken to have been deprived of it.

What if they can't afford it?
aposterhasnoname
group therapy excellent description

My sister did this. Directly from the mortuary to the crematorium, no mourners present, nothing.

She was a very bitter person over things that happened in her life and I suspect it was a last statement that she wanted to make to everyone who knew her, which is her choice to make of course. But I know, for her son, to whom she had been very close and who was very good to her, it made her death even more difficult to deal with.

Funerals are for the living, to enable them to say their goodbyes. I'm not big on funerals tbh, but I think my DCs would find it difficult if I didn't one, and I'm not making any arrangements until I've discussed it with them.

Whatever, it will be small and simple and will be paid for by me in advance.

This isn’t really a ‘AIBU to not want a funeral’ it’s more ‘AIBU to insist on no funeral at all even though my spouse and children have been open that they would want a funeral and find it important’

This ^
Getting together with others who are feeling the loss of the person who has died is a really important part of the grieving process in my far too extensive experience.
It brings closure to some and is a step in the right direction for others. Just pretending nothing has changed doesn't work for most people.

What if they can't afford it?

This. Even a direct cremation is still hundreds of pounds. My FIL died last November, two cars at the house (one with him and one with family) small ceremony in the crematorium with the minister present and a small wake at a nearby pub/restaurant. It was £2000. That's not small change for a lot of people. They had also already bought the plot and stone.

As for 'get the grant', they are actually quite hard to get and you must have NO assets at all.

Generally, funerals are paid for out of the deceased's estate, unless there isn't enough money in it to pay for one. But other than moral obligation, relatives don't legally have to pay for it.

Many people don't realise this, and feel that they have to take on the cost. Obviously, if you loved the deceased, then you'll do your best to pay for it, if there's no money in their estate.