AIBU to not want a funeral

[typoqueen]

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

I would like a direct cremation. However I am happy for whoever deals with it to have a ceremony (non religious) to say their farewells to me.

My only request is that it’s only those that were a part of my life whilst I was alive that are invited to attend. I don’t need no one crying over me that didn’t care enough to message or pick up the phone whilst I was alive.

I am definitely leaving instructions for a direct to crematorium funeral. I have no partner or children, speak with my sister once a year so she won't care. My friends will be unhappy but it just makes sense to me. I'm even thinking of buying a coffin in advance and found this range which I think are lovely and a brilliant price: coffincompany.co.uk/wicker-coffins What do you think of them?

You may want to think so but that is not reality for a lot of us.

I understand, my point is that its not as if every other person has had a horrible and abusive upbringing. I just think its quite negative to assume someone has had abusive parents than to assume they haven't. I've also known people with abusive families so i'm not naive to the fact it does happen.

Does not make us cold. Be grateful for what you have and do not judge the rest of us.

I'm not judging anyone who has a legitimate reason such as lyralalala as they gave a very understanding reason. The OP was about the OP not liking funerals. It's completely fair to judge based on only the information given. If that info changes or has any additions then that gets factored in.
My point is, on the sole reason of "not liking funerals" (which is the reason the OP gave for not attending he parent's one along with stating she never attends any funeral) does seem a fair enough reason to not attend a parent's one.

Regardless, I'm not sure anybody particular "likes or enjoys" funerals. That's not really the purpose of them. I do think people should consider the loved ones they are leaving behind when making post death arrangements. Your family members will be hurting and in pain, surly a bit of consideration for what they will be going through should be standard? At the end of the day, you will be dead. They will still be alive but grieving.

Those wicker coffins are very beautiful, they’re what I chose for both my parents. So much nicer than a wooden box.

I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered at the four corners of the earth that I love, but by my kids/husband (assuming he's still fit and able!) so that they're forced to travel and see beauty around the world.

I also want to have some ashes put into jewelry on the understanding that whomever wears the jewelry must take me on adventures.

But I agree that whilst funerals are awful expensive, they're for the living, not the dead.

A funeral is for them not you! YANBU!

Of course it's unusual formerbabe that doesn't make it wrong. Perhaps the OP finds funerals very upsetting and prefers to mourn in private. Who knows? Funerals are just a tradition really , not every one has to go along with it.
A woman I know didn't go to her own daughter's funeral simply because she found it too painful. It doesn't mean she was cold hearted.

@Baloon Phobia, yes, us Irish love a 'good funeral'. Can't beat it

Cold my arse.

My FIL decided similar. He wanted taking to the crem, just us and MIL there, no words, no hymns just a song played as we walked in ( something in the air from memory) and then done. He didn't want the hangers on, people he'd not seen for years, grief tourists etc. He wanted his immediate, close, family and thats what we gave him.

My Mum was so impressed by this she decided the same. She left strict instructions her funeral was not to be advertised in the paper until after the event, she was to be taken to the crem, one car for myself, DH and our DC's. A few words from a celebrant and then leave. Her list of permitted attendees was her sister and brother in law, niece and great niece and my best friend who'd been like another daughter to her. Of this she was adamant.

I had people come to me later to ask why it wasn't published so they could attend and I explained it was what she wanted. Anyone who knew her well was not surprised by this at all. She absolutely hated the idea of people coming together to mourn her.

I have no doubt that sticking rigidly to her wishes upset people, I can live with that.

my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own.

So you don't attend the funeral of someone who would have wanted you there. The dead person's feelings don't matter. But you want your family not to have one even though they would like one, the dead person's feeling do matter.

It seems like your feelings matter and no one else's, alive or dead.

FWIW MIL didn't want one and neither did her family, all perfectly fine. Not attending funerals of abusive people, all healthy. Telling everyone how to feel about your death... not as much.

I agree with you too. I hate funerals. They could still have a wake afterwards if they felt like they wanted more.

I don’t want one either. Just a private cremation with no ceremony for me. I’d rather they spent the money on enjoying themselves.

*So you don't attend the funeral of someone who would have wanted you there. The dead person's feelings don't matter. But you want your family not to have one even though they would like one, the dead person's feeling do matter.

It seems like your feelings matter and no one else's, alive or dead. *

This is it in a nutshell. It's funny as Mumsnet is so quick to call out an OP who is being selfish in other areas of life but apparently this is OK?

Right with you OP. I won't be having one either as I wish my body to be used by medical science. Might as well do something useful with it.

People are perfectly capable of making arrangements to have some sandwiches and a glass of wine if they wish.

I need a Venn diagram of child-free weddings, no birthdays for grown ups and no funerals.

I think rites of passage are important.

I want a direct cremation, I've only got DS, no other close family,no close friends. I'd rather the money spent on a funeral benefit DS than feed an undertaker's profits. I wouldn't have a coffin if I could get away with it, just throw me on the fire in a body bag.

I've told my children the same. I do have policies that will give them cash but I'd rather they used that for themselves than waste it on something unnecessary like a church service etc.

Funerals are for the people left behind. By being so inflexible you are denying them the ability to remember you in a public way. It's fine to specify keep it simple or no religious symbolism but let them me able to say goodbye

I agree with you OP, and I think it's a growing trend. The last two people in my extended family to die didn't have funerals - direct to cremation and a casual wake with just close family (in one case weeks later).

For the people saying having no funeral is cold or denying the grief - that isn't it. Personally I don't find the funeral part very helpful. It's really sad but you can't express yourself as you don't want to make a scene during the ceremony. I process grief much better at the wake where you can talk about the person, laugh and cry, and also just privately in my own time.

It was perhaps the most heartbreaking day of my life but my husband's funeral will stay with me forever as a day when my child and I felt more loved and supported than we've ever felt before. I was literally held up by love. Knowing that all those people had come to say goodbye to someone so wonderful was the most moving experience of my life.

If you want to deny your family that, then crack on.

Yabvvvu . Funerals are not for the dead. They are for the living. They bring comfort and an opportunity to say goodbye in a way that is meaningful for them
I hope they feel free to ignore your wishes.
My own father has said he wants the cheapest funeral going. I have told him to sod off. When the time comes we will do it properly, in a way that makes us feel good. My dad wants to maximise our inheritance
I want to minimise our grief, and a tacky cheap funeral wont do that
Dont be so bloody selfish

I want to minimise our grief, and a tacky cheap funeral wont do that
Dont be so bloody selfish

So, it's all about what you want? How about you stop being so bloody selfish and give serious thought to respecting your father's wishes?

As so many PPs have said, the funeral is for the family left behind, not the dead person.
All the good ones I have attended were in church, where the loved one was commended to God’s keeping, there was a wonderful atmosphere of love and support, and a chance to remember their life in the eulogy and readings.
I’ve chosen the hymns and readings for my own funeral, with an eye to easing the grief of my DC. They are comforting and uplifting ones, and my personal favourites. My mortal remains will then be buried in my DH’s grave in our village churchyard, under a lovely old copper beech tree.
I think if your family are religious, it’s sad to deny relatives the chance to comfort each other, express their grief together, and celebrate your life in a dignified and loving service before God. And I imagine atheists too would like a rite of passage of some sort and a chance to grieve together. Could you at least discuss it with your family to see what they’d prefer, OP?

funerals are for the living, not the dead. They can be a very important part of the grieving process.

If you are not that bothered I would simply make it clear that it is up to your relatives to decide.

I don’t want a funeral and I absolutely hate wakes. Dh feels the same. I hope that my wishes will be followed after I die but if they aren’t, I won’t be here to know. Some people want funerals, some need the sense of closure they get from them, some like to celebrate the persons life etc dd has instructions to not bother too much as neither of us cares for any of it. If dd and dh went before me (please not) then I wouldn’t have funerals or wakes and I’d just have them privately cremated and mourn in private.