AIBU to not want a funeral

[typoqueen]

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

Thank you, Alsohuman. It was a huge comfort at an impossibly dark time. I think it was also important for my son. He was only five but he'll be left in doubt forever how loved his daddy was. I think funerals are really important.

My mum died this year and she didn’t particularly want a funeral so we as a family compromised by having a short private cremation with just us immediate family ( 7 of us ) . It was just about as perfect as a funeral can be .

I don't want a funeral. I don't want to put any focus or pressure on my closest family to grieve with an audience. They might want to do something later or not at all, which is fine. None of us is spiritual either, so there's no need to send me on my way anywhere or to remind god that I'm Heaven material.

I don't think I want a funeral ceremony but if my family want to hold a wake with my ashes propped up on the bar that would be fine.

You won't be there to be bothered, so let them do whatever they want. I'm in the opposite boat. I would like to directly cremate my parents - I know I will be liable for costs - but they would be furious if they knew...

I completely agree OP. You have reminded me to add a note to my will to emphasise my wishes.

You can do what you want, but equally so can they - they can have a 'celebration of your life' at a church or wherever after the cremation if you don't want to call it a funeral. But people need something to mark your passing.

What happens if someone dies and no one can or will pay for the funeral ?

The funeral where you are buried/cremated/whatever isn't for you, it's for the people left behind. They can choose the service they want and there won't be much you can do about it.

I think councils are obliged to provide paupers' funerals to people without the wherewithal to fund their own.

So, it's all about what you want? How about you stop being so bloody selfish and give serious thought to respecting your father's wishes?

Well that was rather my point. It is about what we want. By that I mean my siblings and I as a collective.

Because, as I said, the funeral is not for the dead but for the living. And my dad, who's a lovely man and who is trying to ensure he leaves us money, is not taking into account the solace that a funeral brings.

But he should. When my mum passed, he took comfort from the lovely service, and the number of people who turned out and the nice spread, as was able to think that he had done her proud, which indeed he had. We would want the same. If my siblings voted for a cardboard box, I would go along with that as that is what the majority felt was right. But I would not feel honour bound to follow my fathers wishes simply in order to save money and inherit more and I have told him so.

I want to be able to feel that I have done him proud, and I want his neighbours and friends to feel that too.

And I want to he able to visit his grave to lay flowers when the mood strikes me. He will be dead. It wont matter to him, but it will matter to us.

I feel ambivalent. On one hand I doubt anyone besides my dcs will really miss me.

On the other hand I think it's yet another example of the dehumanisation and alienation of modern life and our collective mental health will suffer because of it.

Funerals give families a chance to really focus on and process the loss of the persoj they love/hate/feel ambivalent about. They're important for closure, for the grieving process, for feeling we can move on. I cried like crazy when my dad and my grandad both broke down trying to read one of my grandma's poems. I didn't enjoy it - you're not supposed to like funerals but it helped me to really process the reality of losing her.

Increasingly we're becoming a society that just wants to click a button rather than dealing with the shit side of life. In twenty years time most of us will probably be disposed of remotely through one-click 'ByeFelicia' app I've just invented. And even that will be squeezed in between the food shop and cat videos.

What you want for a funeral should be your choice, assuming you get the chance to express your wishes before you die. That should include the choice to have no funeral.

You don’t sound cold at all OP and I totally agree with you.
We have never had funerals in my family and I’m fine with that, I want no funeral myself.
My husbands family conform to social mores and do have them. The stress and organisation adds to the distress of a death in my view. And the ghoulish choosing of coffin etc, no thanks. The ritual didn’t provide closure or comfort to me or DH. We prefer to remember the people we love as they were when they were alive.
This is in no way a criticism who do have funerals/death ceremonies and rituals. Whatever brings most comfort to the bereaved.

I am not having one. Have paid in advance for a direct cremation. Ashes scattered in 2 places.
If my family want a bit of a do, they can sort it themselves. I prefer people are nice to me in real life rather than a eulogy when I'm dead.
Everyone knows my wishes.

I feel exactly as you do. So to me, YANBU. I was made to attend too many funerals as a child. Life is for the living. Funerals compound grief.

OP not come back then? Light the touch paper and stand well back

I think at the end of the day you're not around to run that show are you. Make peace with the fact that it will likely be out of your control.

I want to be donated to medical science I absolutely do not want a funeral

OP YANBU.
Straight to the crematorium in whatever's cheapest for me.
DH agrees, he is quiet, hates fuss, we have not had a wedding or christenings, and the thought of him having to go through my funeral breaks my heart.
The DC agree, there are plenty of beautiful places that mean so much to us as a family for them to remember me at.
Maybe we are all cold, I don't know, but I know that they love me and will remember me with happiness. Not that I'm planning on going yet mind.

My entire family has been pro direct cremation for a lot of years.

Not cold as ice at all. Practical.

Op I'm the same. I've told my DH I don't want a funeral. No point spending all that money and I wouldn't want people who don't bother with me while I'm alive to come grieve for me at my funeral. I've never been to a funeral and never will go to one. I don't get funerals. I couldn't bare to go to a friends or family's funeral and cry in front of everyone. I know I wouldnt be able to control my emotions.

Funerals are a rite of passage. They are for the living to mark a transition and to write a new narrative. A family comes together to remember someone. They tell the story of their life and collectively begin to adjust to the new narrative without the deceased person.

You don't need to do this in a traditional way if you don't want to. Direct to crem is much cheaper. But there still needs to be a way to mark the transition and that can e in a church, on a hillside, in the pub or whatever. Ritual is important.

There is a change in how we mark death and new ways of doing things. It is going to take time to work that out.

I think there’s a big difference in a family who all believe in no funeral and one person telling their spouse or children they are not allowed to have a funeral.

It’s great if you make sure they know that there’s no pressure to do anything expensive or anything that’s too difficult for them, but if your choice actually makes it harder for them then that seems very unfair when it’ll make absolutely no difference to you.

No, I don't think you are U at all. I don't want one either. I'm not religious, so I don't want one for religious purposes; and I hate the idea of my death being made into a social occasion. Both my parents asked for no funeral, and while I would have followed their wishes, I was relieved to NOT have to deal with a social occasion at a time when I needed to grieve privately. (It's not the ceremony that I find upsetting; it's the subsequent get-together, and all the condolence rituals and having to conform to social expectations at a time when I feel least able to do so.) On the other hand, you can't FORCE people to have a funeral or no funeral after you've gone. All you can do is express your wishes, but acknowledge that when you're not there, they can do as they please.