dd very distressed

[Springwalk]

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

Do you know anyone at the new sv that you could invite over so she starts to build new friendships?
It's very hard but ultimately she wont be a daily part of her current group of friends really moving forward.
How comes she's ended up going somewhere different for school? Poor girl

Why on earth did you speak to each parent individually. Surely the norm is you accept a place, inform the school and carry on as normal without making a big deal out of it. What reasons did you give for her leaving?

We only know two girls from her new school and they are from different schools, so it is tricky. I have arranged to see them in a few weeks time, but it doesn't really help with the day to day school issues.

She is going earlier as she has won a place at a very good place, the others will stay at school for another two years and then move on.

I am at a loss as to what to do.

sweeny I told the parents individually in dd's small group, as I knew their children would be upset when they heard that dd was leaving (and they were) it was a heads up. I meet some of the very same mothers for coffees and lunches every few weeks, so it would seem odd not to mention it.

She is leaving because she won a place there, it would be madness to turn it down.

Can she join a club or activity where she can meet new friends? You've rather shot yourself in the foot by telling the other parents!

They would have found out anyway.

What would be your intention, in speaking to parents? Do you really want to try to maintain contact with people who behave like this? Personally, this episode would have told me all I needed to know about them: ie, they’re not friends, they’re effectively members of the same club and not interested when you leave it.

Is there any way you can start building new relationships at the new school? Many have holiday clubs and organise outings. I’d speak to the office and see if I could sign my daughter up for a few sessions. I’d do that anyway, even if you do try to maintain contact with her current peers, because it will ease her transition in September anyway.
We had to move our daughter in year 10
from a smallish independent that she had been with since nursery at 2, no choice we had to relocate 400 miles away. Took a couple of months to establish new friendships.

The problems are not really outside school, as we have lots of family friends and hobbies, but at school it is really difficult for her.

Just be breezy! You’re giving this too much headspace. Getting used to change is a good lesson to learn, as is sometimes the people you think are friends are really not.

It’s horrible but dwelling will get you or her nowhere. Distraction therapy is good for this.

Are the parents still being friendly towards you? It sounds like they may be jealous of your dd's success, maybe even think you are being snobby/boasty about it, even if you're not.

Sorry to be harsh but you ought to have considered that before you announced she was leaving. There was really no need.

Don’t know where she’s leaving/going to but I suspect from your term “won a place” that an element of jealousy/considering you boastful has crept in among parents and influenced the kids’ behaviour. Sorry, you really should have kept schtum until the holidays.

That's the problem. You have told individual parents your daughter would be going to a better school than theirs because she won a place there and you thought their dd would be upset if your dd was leaving. I am afraid this comes across as my dd is better than yours.

langrish You are absolutely right, I am now questioning whether we will continue any kind of friendship going forward. I did not think for a minute they would close ranks like this. I naively assumed we would continue as we are to the end of term and over summer, and see each other over the holidays.

I did not want to put my dd in a position of having to lie to her friends for months on end, and not tell them she was going.
I thought I would be open and honest, and not just disappear on the last day. I felt given how close they all were, that telling them would be the right thing. I didn't expect them to care much either way if I am honest. I am surprised this has happened.

It is reassuring to know that she will probably be fine in her next school, but we still have two months left of the term

I think there's jealousy involved, I'm afraid. Tell your daughter to rise above it and that when she starts her new school it'll be a completely fresh start.

Did one of the other children sit for the same scholarship? At any rate it’s a good life lesson for her and will help build resilience. Try to keep her distracted as much as possible and be gentle on her at home. It will pass.

I wonder if the parents view your announcement about DD winning a place at a good school as boasting, or denigrating the current school, or implying their own DC are inferior?
Perhaps the other kids feel DD might now look down on them, and are subconsciously excluding her as “ other”? Or they simply may be adjusting to the fact she’s leaving, by getting used to being without her in their groups and activities in advance.
OP, I think it would have been wiser to say nothing until the week of leaving, then have a little goodbye party or whatever.
For now, you just have to comfort DD, provide lots of social contact outside school and encourage her to look to the future.
Girls that age can be terribly bitchy and cliquey, even if one isn’t leaving - friendship groups can gang up to exclude or bully a previous friend for the most trivial reasons. This might have happened even if she was staying. At least you know this will be over once she leaves.

I have been very careful to downplay her achievement, and I definitely did not boast at all, quite the reverse. When I told them I was very upset that we are leaving them and the school, and did not speak about her next school at all. I can understand why that would upset them, of course you are right to ask, but I was very mindful of talking to them about it.

My dd has done well, she worked hard to get there, but she is certainly no brighter or better than any of the other girls (if anything one or two are much more academic than she is)

Congratulations to your daughter

But I tihnk you need to take a long hard look at exactly how you have managed this to cause it to happen - you seem to have said to them look we have this place and we are going to accept it and creating an environment of jealous

I understand that you acted in all good faith, and did what you thought was right, for all the children.

I don't really have any suggestions, but I feel very sorry for your daughter. This happened to my daughter as well, and I know very well the hurt that she is feeling. I feel sorry for you too!

In my case, I made an appointment to talk to the teacher, to let her know what was going on. The teacher talked with the girls, told them that excluding was a form of bullying, and not on (from the sounds of it, she laid it on good and proper, bless her), and kept an eye on them all, making sure that my daughter was included - at school at least.

Obviously the teacher had no power or control over sleep overs and what went on outside of school, and my daughter just had to endure this until the end of school.

Although we can't replace their friends, we can take extra special care of them during this hard time, being their soft place to fall, letting them know they can talk to (and cry with) us, doing little acts of love, like cooking their favourite meals, running a special bath. I know it sounds pathetic, but it did seem to mean a lot - a surprise love gift of a book, going to see a movie, that sort of thing.

Could you set up some things like a trip to the movies, or going swimming and encourage her to invite her friends?

@Babdoc would it have been good for the op to expect her daughter to lie though. The friendship group making plans and OP and daughter keeping quiet but knowing she won't be there for them?

Congratulations. I am sorry the situation turned out like that. Unfortunately it will be a life lesson for your daughter that people will be jealous and she needs to rise above it. At least it is not too long left. Can you get a list of contact details of fellow classmates before she starts and arrange a play date?

Sansasnatch

Have you actually read the OP? How is her daughter expected to be breezy when she’s being treated badly by her ‘friends’ at school?

One of the girls in our year, but not class is going to the same school, there was no way I could it a secret (even if I was comfortable with asking my dd to lie to her friends and for me to lie to all the parents) It would have looked like we were devious and dishonest.

I made the decision to be open and honest, for my dd to be able to talk to her friends openly and truthfully. The girls have all written each other letters and cards, one of two made her a well done card. I meant it when I said to them how we will miss them, we will dreadfully, although perhaps not so much now!

There are some good suggestions here about making a massive effort with her, I definitely will. I have planned a little tea party as well in a few weekends, and have tried to take the initiative with planning some lovely things for her, but ultimately I can't change the school situation for her.

I may call her teacher for a chat, as I don't see why this should be happening at all, and it is tipping into a bullying situation in my view.

If you are close to the mothers talk to them. "Dd feels left out at playtime, unlikely to be intentional but can you ask your dd to help keep her included"

Also explain to dd friends are likely acting out as they will miss her. Is there anyone else she can play with at school? Neighbours or children she knows from elsewhere is there a group game she could join in with? Even bring in a book or a notepad so she has something to do.

If the friends are being deliberately mean pretending not to care/notice is best way for them to get bored. But not easy as an child.

Then I would speak to teacher, yes she is leaving but teacher is likely to still help if she can as generally they do care. Perhaps a chat about kind behaviour is all that is needed.