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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 05/05/2019 10:39

Even if the OP handled it badly, it’s sad for a child to be left out.

JaynePoole · 05/05/2019 10:44

Also, I agree with the other posters who have framed this in terms of group dynamics. Some of the children will be manipulative, threatened and envious by your daughter's news. These are all natural, reasonable feelings given the situation!
Some of us have a high tolerance for power and control and will go with the flow. Others of us have a low tolerance and will feel the need to seek power and control in order to maintain a sense of safety.

What's important is how we learn to deal with these feelings and drivers, and how to deal with them in others.

The end of primary school is our first real experience of an Ending for most of us. And we all deal with it differently. Some of us withdraw in anticipation of the loss, some of us regroup and gather our allies, some of us reach out and try to build bonds to prevent the loss (sometimes in denial of the truth). Again, I think that there's an opportunity here for the children to learn about their feeling towards Endings and how to deal with them.

Livelovebehappy · 05/05/2019 10:45

Probably nothing to do with her going to a better school, but girls at this age can be pretty vicious and have just found an excuse to display that. I shudder when I think of all the angst and drama my now grown up daughter had at school growing up within different friendship groups.

Teacherrant · 05/05/2019 10:57

I haven't read the whole thread but this happened to my DC. They were the only one to go to a different secondary school because they wouldn't have coped at the local massive one and the kids did exclude mine naturally. It wasn't very nice but I think it was just a natural part of getting ready to move on.

Incidentally we saw no one after we left. Not one of the kids, some who lived very close and been in and out of our house made any effort at all to keep in touch.

There's only a few weeks left. I might talk to the teacher to ask if she can try and support her but I wouldn't bother other parents and kids.

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 10:58

Are you reading my replies? Jayne I have already said the other girls mother said she is totally fine and very excited. At no point did she say her dd is upset or worried. Dd said the same. I have absolutely not dismissed her in any way. She joined the school a short time ago, after a few school changes, so maybe she is more used to change than my dd. I am sure it will be a big change for her too. We invited her for dinner so after that no doubt we will have a clearer idea, she had our support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:03

I am not sure if a family inclusive attitude at school is good or bad for the children, but that is how it is, and it’s very unlikely to change jayne either way the children seem to be mostly happy, and go on to make strong independent friendships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:05

yes it can be a vipers nest, one that almost no one benefits from lovelive

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:06

teacher did your dc go on to make new friends? Were they sad not see their old friends again or completely relaxed?
Once dd has left it will be so much easier.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 05/05/2019 11:10

Op you have an amazing ability to completely ignore the point that some posters are making. And then attack them for saying something you disagree with. This is an international forum - you can't be hugely surprised that other people have a different view.

JaynePoole · 05/05/2019 11:13

Are you reading my replies? Jayne I have already said the other girls mother said she is totally fine and very excited. At no point did she say her dd is upset or worried

Yes, I have read every single post everyone has written.
Perhaps the mum wouldn't tell someone at the school gate her daughter's deepest struggles? Seems plausible.

I am not sure if a family inclusive attitude at school is good or bad for the children, but that is how it is, and it’s very unlikely to change jayne either way the children seem to be mostly happy, and go on to make strong independent friendships.

But you're not describing strong or independent friendships.

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:15

ittakes2 funnily enough I don’t agree that being called condescending is in any way useful! Do forgive me if I am overlooking the less than helpful posts, especially ones like yours that are rude and insulting.

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 05/05/2019 11:17

Bullying? Absolutely approach school. Friendship issues, please don't.

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:25

Jayne I have invited them over for the evening, I have enquired after her dd and congratulated her on the good news. I think that is more than enough personally, and anything more would be intrusive. Why are you so focused on the other girl? I find it very strange. How do YOU know if there any struggles or not? What does it matter to you? This a thread about exclusion and yet you seem to be fixated with something entirely different.

I said the children ‘go on’ as in as they get older, they spread their wings and make friends with other teens independently. It is a family school, and for the younger children it mostly works well. It is lovely actually. Always someone to help, talk to and we all know each other’s children and families. Even grannies etc. Might be your idea of hell but some families really like it, we have many generations of the same families returning generation after generation with children’s great grandparents having been to school together.

OP posts:
JaynePoole · 05/05/2019 11:33

Why are you so focused on the other girl?

Erm, I'm not. I was focused on how you were describing her, because it seemed very dismissive of her experience.

It is a family school, and for the younger children it mostly works well. It is lovely actually.

The need for this thread suggests otherwise. Confused
And I have no judgement on the school, because I know nothing about it. (I do have a judgement on friendships, and that is that our friendship circle should not be the same friendship circle as that of our parents).

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:40

I think we have already established beyond all doubt and very clearly that the other girl has not been dismissed. So now it just comes across as badgering because we have covered it in detail.

Up to now the school has been great, and still is. Maybe one or two individuals are not so great as it turns out. A friendly atmosphere for parents and children is no bad thing. My dc have friend ms from all walks of kife. Holidays, neighbours, clubs and old friends. Some parents have become my friends, others have not. It is an organic process and not forced. My dc are free to choose whoever they like as a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:47

I don’t know why it matters to you to keep everything separate, that sounds very controlling jayne dd can be friends with whoever she likes, ditto for me. We don’t need to keep everything separate all of the time, although sometimes that will be the case.

OP posts:
Teacherrant · 05/05/2019 11:48

Springwalk at the time it was horrendous.
Looking back now it was the best thing we ever did. Made friends the lot.

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 11:52

teacher that is very encouraging. In the long term I know this will pass, the ideas to manage in the short term have been helpful.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 12:00

I don’t think people understand how stressful this can be, or the time it takes to comfort a child who’s feeling this way

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 12:04

green or the battles to get them to school in the first place, or the nightmares most evenings. Not the soul destroying way you hear them play with their teddies and one teddy suddenly has no one. Nor see their eyes brimming with tears at pick up trying to hold it in until they reach the relative safety of the car. It is really shit. This will all restart on Tuesday and I am absolutely dreading it. At least it is the bank holiday.

Are you dealing with this too Green?

OP posts:
Teacherrant · 05/05/2019 12:07

Springwalk DC was actually so much happier in the long run but it was difficult at the time.

I thing you encouraging her to meet up with the girls you know who are going to the new school is a great idea.

I would have a word with the teacher, tell them how hard she is finding it. Our teacher made DC a prefect meaning they had jobs to do to help the teacher and helped with the little ones in the younger years at playtime.
This meant they had something to do and didn't feel awkward and felt important too.
Could she do something similar.

Original poster
Springwalk · 05/05/2019 12:13

That’s a good idea, her form teacher is coming back to me next week. So I may ask him - thanks teacher.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 12:36

It currently
DD moved schools for other reasons and the girls stoped the play dates didn’t let her join social chat groups etc
Luckily she went before break up so found new friends to play over summer

No one did her a card or wished her well

I did at DDs suggestion throw a picnic party in the park at the end of term so she had a fairwell - disgusted at the teacher to be honest who didn’t give her a mention all day

GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 12:38

I should add the new school we’re really welcoming and she made friends really quickly and spend all summer with the new group ready for September

BlueJava · 05/05/2019 13:28

Firstly - don't blame yourself OP. It may be a bit of jealously, it may have all been about to happen anyway. I know how horribly hard it is when you see this happen. I thought/hoped my boys would be ok as they seemed to have some nice friends... but one of them is caught in a situation as you describe. It's horrible and my heart goes out to you because you can't solve it for them.

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