dd very distressed

[Springwalk]

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

Just ask her if she still wants a party this year or if she’d like to do something else – and offer suggestions about something else.

If she is worried rather than looking forward to the party I expect she’ll jump at something else or express her worries or let you know she really is looking forward to it. It's a simple question a quick check to make sure she's happy - if you can't do that perhaps another family member could - though I think worry over such a simple question is odd.

If she doesn't want it send an e-mail out vaguely saying due to unforeseen circumstances unfortunately you can’t do it this year. Then be vaguely and express regret if anyone actually asks further questions.

You may not have said it in so many words but that is how it will have come across.

Most of the dc are indifferent about the next school, but amongst the parents it is brutal. I have just been through similar with other dc, so know to keep silent on the subject
I literally don’t understand what this means? Far from being silent on the subject you have screamed it from the rooftops!
And now you say you’ve done this showboating knowing how they were likely to react?
Why did you deliberately poke this hornets nest, to the detriment of your child?

"I know someone who didn't say a word to their group of friends and just their ds just disappeared from school one day."

It must be hard to know what to do, because as we've seen, either way can be problematic.

OP, that's sad that people are behaving that way, particularly with the sleepover. I'm sure it must be jealousy by the parents. Would they rather you hadn't said anything? It seems you can't win with some people! Real friends wouldn't do this.

Interesting that the newer ones are the problem - and I think you said earlier they’d only been there 1-2 years?

So firstly, you need to give to this idea that it’s been a close knit group for 6 years. It hasn’t. With 2/6 joining in last couple of years that’s a big change. I get that it’s the current behaviour that is the issue you need to sort, but it seems clear that a lot of your personal upset is maybe based around putting this long-standing since nursery, with your girl as cornerstone, group on a pedestal. It doesn’t exist.

Secondly, the newer girls being the problem may be because of their direct experience - they might have been through a friend just disappearing, so are more hardened to writing off that has actually for them been a short lived friendship.

From their point of view - they’ve only known her 1-2 years, maybe know that friends come and go, maybe were only really friends because they were the small group of girls and that’s that - no real depth. Just putting that out there cos it can make the difference between them being little bitches, or normal 10 year olds.

This isnt just about jealously

So 3 or 4 have been together since the beginning and 2 have joined - they will I suspect have always felt slightly outside. One of the inner group is leaving so they are primed now to move it

The parents make more sense now as well. If you have always been aware of the fact that your child has felt a out of it with the inner group - you can see why they might act that way

Are you in the independent school system already?

She spoke to each parent individually and then after to add more insult to injury have a big party to celebrate with 60+ people are invited. I think you are disappointed that these mothers don't want to celebrate in your DD success. These people owe you nothing and you have to tell your DD to find nicer friends.

It is fairly normal for children and mums to move on and forget a school friend/mum pretty quickly. Very few, close at the time, school child/mum relationships outlast the school link. You have overthought how distressed your dd's friends would be that she is leaving, in reality after an initial short lived shock they have already moved on.

Telling the mums individually has only accelerated this process, I wouldn't blame anyone, they will just want to make sure their dd's have secure friendship groups for school time. In hindsight I wouldn't have told them so formally as though it was such a big deal when it wasn't. It has caused everyone to think about where to invest their time/friendships.

Your daughter will get over it when she moves to and makes new friends at her new school, but it is going to be a tough few months until then.

Are other parents happier if you are paying full price for it rather than a scholarship I wonder.

We did state primary private secondary for all three of our DC`s. We did not discuss it with other parents. We all stayed friends. Re the youngest They are all off to uni. in September and have themselves organised a camping week after A levels. Between them they have attended four different schools, but they have all stayed mates. They are all really looking forward to this week together.

Not quite the same but my DS (6 yrs) best friend left school at the end of last term. His Mum told me about it 6 weeks before & ds was upset but they were glued to each other until the very last day.

Since going back after Easter ds has been crying most days, feels lost & lonely (his words) school is in the midst of SATS so all work is quite structured & serious & he is utterly miserable.

His friend is really enjoying his new school which I'm happy about of course but I kind of wish ds had used those last few weeks to form/improve some other friendships so maybe that's part of the reason your dd is struggling.

It's not easy being left behind.

how in the world can a party for one child. to say goodbye to 6 children end up with 60 guests?

Cancel the party, I'm willing to bet most of the parents/girls won't turn up, or if they do will either stick together and upset your DD, or get all weepy and emotional and upset your DD. It will end in tears, not what you want to make memories of.

Send a goodbye cake in on the next to last day of term (so it gets eaten) . Have a family birthday/outing for her birthday this year.

Move on.

Can I just make one point very clear.

I did not 'formally announce' our departure. At a coffee we were all chatting and I mentioned it then. There was not a huge announcement. It was slipped into the normal conversation, and I told them we had been offered a place and were thinking of taking it. They were very supportive, and very pleased for my dd at the time.

Every year we do a birthday party for dd (as the same as everyone else) and invite most of the year (30 odd children) this time we have also invited the parents for a drink. It is not a huge fanfare to celebrate my dd, it is a jumpy castle and a glass of pimms.

I appreciate the posts and different points of view, but to say we have made a big deal of this is untrue.

I do not know if dd will like a party now, as she is so sad, and it will be difficult welcoming the parents that have been so unkind to my child into my house.

Would they rather you hadn't said anything? It seems you can't win with some people! Real friends wouldn't do this

Thank you for Platypus this is my feeling precisely. It is because these people are not just school kids parents, but friends I have known for several years and spend a lot of time with, I felt I owed them honesty at the very least. I couldn't imagine spending the next few months lying to them.

It would've been better if your DD had been allowed to tell her friends herself. It was her news to break to them.
Being told by their parents with no warning from her would've made it a far bigger deal for them and it was probably far more upsetting than it needed to be and they've reacted accordingly by phasing her out now so they can get used to not her not being there. It's not bullying, it's because they're in the mindset that she's going. My DD had a friend who was leaving in a similar fashion who casually told her mates in the playground, they barely batted an eyelid because they didn't really get what it mean and the friendships continued unchanged until the end of term.

I was your daughter many years ago. I won a scholarship to a school and it meant I left my primary school a year early.

My 'friends' very quickly turned on me and made my final weeks there miserable.

Her current school still has a duty of care to your daughter. Absolutely mention this so it can be dealt with at a class level, and I would also mention to this group of mums too! I would be horrified if my child was behaving like that.

Talk to the school, exclusion is a form of bullying. It would have been taken seriously at my kids primary.

I should add that it made me more determined to make something of my opportunity and I thoroughly enjoyed my new school! I had no sadness about leaving the old school as a result!

It's not easy being left behind

No it really isn't easy being left behind JurassicGirl, we have personal experience of this and my dd was very sad to her bf leave. We had this in mind when we made the decisions we did. I don't think there is any easy way of changing schools if your child is happy and settled. It is particularly hard for your son. I hope he has found some new buddies now and is feeling better. Does he still see his old friend?

There's a lot of different strands to this.
Firstly a lot of mothers get upset (I'm not sure if your DC is an only child or not) at the end of Year 6.. It is the end of an era, children are going to different schools and the routine you have all been used to is changing. Some get a lump in the throat because its suddenly all too real that their little one is now grown up and will be possibly travelling to school on their own and all the potential dangers that increasing independence may involve. So there's that.
But you are doing this part a whole year before the others... so they don't get that yet.. how big this might feel. I think that you need to take this portion of how you are feeling out of the equation if you can. It's natural to feel like that and it is perhaps magnifying your response to this situation.

Secondly. The genie is out of the bottle. Whether there was a right/wrong way to tell them is impossible to change now. What you have to do is manage the next 8-12 weeks ( and don't forget the blessed half term!)
So distracting your child from the rubbish bits, whilst still helping her appreciate the good bits (familiarity, local, going to school with you in the mornings or whatever) is going to be a careful balancing act.
I'm assuming that you are still in the same place and not moving house? Just schools.. if you daughter was leaving in Year 6 you might well find some of them going to different secondaries. It would be all change. There would be a sense of loss which would probably vanish over the holidays and with distraction of the new school.
Therefore I think you have to distract both of you as much as possible.

The reaction from some has been hostile, whether because you accidentially put their backs up or because they were always a bit rubbish as friends. Frankly. Stop blaming yourself because these awkward customers were going to be awkward whatever you did. Brush them off and what ever you do, don't let your daughter focus on their behaviour. Keep her focused on the good, however you feel.
It sounds like there are one or two nice children, who are being led by the less friendly ones. Only you can know whether asking the sleepover mum outright why she excluded your daughter would work or not. Only you can know whether some of the other parents are a bit kinder and would rally round if they knew your daughter was upset.
Only you can know if organising a cinema trip at the weekend for the group and inviting all of them would make your daughter happy or not. You would soon see who the friendly ones were by whether they agree to turn up or not. You can accompany and quash any mean behaviour from the unfriendly ones, but I suspect they won't turn up.
When you know who is supportive and who is not. You could have some after school summer termish events with maybe just one child at a time, if it would not be considered unusual. Eg.. we would probably go straight to strawberry picking with a picnic after school.
DO NOT mention the leaving/new school stuff on any of these outings but focus on perhaps open air swimming in the summer or some such.
If you find people are not engaging in these things, then stop them and focus on treats for your daughter instead. Arrange things with any friends or cousins she might have outside of school Maybe now its summer engage in some new afterschools things instead. Particularly if they might have them near or at the new school.
As to the party. For a birthday, I think under the circumstances that an activity day, which kept them all busy might dampen any bad behaviour rather than a drinks party with adults which could end up in them all sitting around with nothing to do but talk or invent their own entertainment - or mischief.
It sound very very stressful under the circumstances.You haven't sent official invitations so basically you can still do what you want. Its 3 months away. If you feel that people are dropping you instead of engaging with you, only you can decide whether there are enough friendly people to go ahead with it - perhaps it would be better to continue it as a completley non school party and have a separate activity based party for your daughter's group. Inviting all but expecting only the supportive ones.
It really just depends how it pans out and hopefully this is just the gossip of the month and will die down once people get use to it.
I can't think how else to deal with it. It's unfortunate that its worked out that way, but I don't know if a different approach would have worked either. I think you just have to keep as positive as possible under the circumstances and engage more with the friendly people and step back from the unfriendly ones. The time will pass very quickly and utlimately you and your daughter have new horizons to look forward to.

sorry about all the typos..Can't find my glasses!

BookwormMe2 one of the parents thanked me for giving her the heads up because he dd came home crying that my dd was going to a different school, so she was ready and could offer her lots of comfort and to reassure her we would still be meeting up lots etc. I don't think she would have been too impressed had I not mentioned it, given I was sitting with her that morning having coffee?!

This is all fine and good if you don't know the other parents but I know these parents very well. It would be odd to withhold something like this. I think they would have been hurt.

For a birthday, I think under the circumstances that an activity day, which kept them all busy might dampen any bad behaviour

That's a good idea if she does still want a party - bowling, laser questing, cinema, go karting, trampling parks, snow dome all ones mine have done- depending on what's in your area plus due to prices smaller groups are more common so easier to exlcude people who she isn't getting on with and they tend to have time limits - usualy under 2 hours and people leave afterwards.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff I need a duckbilled in my life. Thank you for your insightful message (and all the others that have been so supportive)
What great advice.

Yes I did not and could not foresee that this would happen, but now it has I need to act accordingly.

So far I have booked an app with the teacher this afternoon to get the less than kind behaviour addressed at school

I have organised a few one to one playdates in the next few weeks

I am about to switch the birthday party to an activity with a few drinks and snacks added on. Not at home. I will check with dd that this is the right thing to do for her before changing it. As if she doesn't want to, we can just cancel it. When we organised it I could not have guessed this would happen in the meantime.

I feel a lot less stressed about this now I have done this, so thank you to everyone that has helped. I have lost my mother, so I am feeling really really fragile and this is the last thing I needed.