dd very distressed

[Springwalk]

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

However, this would have happened in the final year anyway. IME when decisions are made at the end of primary school, the children going to the various schools start to band together and long established friendships come to an end

Rubbish. My dd finished Year 6 last year. She had a lovely group of friends and they were going to 3 different schools between them. It didn't matter at all, they were close throughout the year and still meet up now in the holidays. Even if someone is leaving there is no excuse for excluding and being mean.

I am quite surprised at some of these responses, like the behaviour is justified because of jealousy or they're upset this girl is leaving. I would come down like a ton of bricks on my dd if she treated a friend this way. Not acceptable.

grandma I hear you. I understand why you would feel the need to find new friends of course. Your own need to survive at school would have kicked in.
My eldest dd bf left in the same year so we have some experience of this top, and my dd1 was heartbroken and lost without her. I remember vividly worrying about her too, wondering if she would make new friends. She did, she was totally fine, but it was a stress at the time.
I did not stop seeing her bf out of school, we stayed in touch and still see them (to this day) and we certainly did not blame her for moving schools. We knew their reasons, and knew it was the right thing for dd bf. Perhaps I expected others to be kind about it as well, and maybe in reality they are feeling disappointed and a little let down.

Who knew that a school move could cause this much anguish.

ultimately I have to put dd and her future first, I can't hold her back. There is a price to pay though sad for all of them.

And I think this is what you need to get though you cant hold her back no but the affect on how her friends react is different, the talking about the things they are going to do without her is their way of coping with it as well.

DD knows it is right for her BF family to move abroad and the fact she will get to go to a lovely International School. But as all 10 year olds she then has a year left of primary school without her and needs to make sure she is ok. As I have said that has to some extent involved her and her other best friend getting closer (and other circumstances as well have encouraged this) and the dynamic has changed

What you can do is help your daughter see it for what it is - it isnt personal just the 10 year old need for self preservation.

Grandmasharkdentures really sums it up well as well from her 10 year old perspective

I often wonder how many people are actually still friends with their primary school friends. Change, for the most part, is good. Resilience is a great skill to learn. Your DD will make lots of new friends at her new school. Don’t overthink this.

We live in a city where people come for two to five years and then move on, so we are used to close friends leaving. We've always tried to spend as much time with them before they left and then kept in touch (and in some cases visited them) afterwards.

It was definitely the right thing you mentioned you were moving - it would be weird not to - her friends are behaving abysmally! I just wonder if one or two have them have seen an opportunity and latched on to this as an excuse to bully her, in order to bolster their own positions in the group. (Most bullies are inwardly insecure.) And if they hadn't used her leaving as an excuse, someone else would have been excluded. So painful though it is for your DD, it's not about her per se, she is "just" collateral damage, horrible though that is.

I'd have a quiet word with a teacher or two and maybe they could give a class talk about how kindness and how true friends should behave towards one another.

I hope your daughter enjoys her new school and meets lots of new friends

Thank you for all of your replies. I have asked to speak to her teacher, because as a minimum I would like the children to be kinder to her. We still have 8 weeks left of this!!!! Give me strength

I will sit down and try and arrange something fun for each weekend, so that it distracts her. These posts are so helpful in coming up with ideas.

I have cried all morning, and now my eyes are nearly swollen closed I can quietly look over each post and see anything that I have missed that may help. I don't know why but this has really upset me this time. I have had stuff happen over the years with all my dc, but this one feels worse because they have been friends for so long.

as much time as possible!

Jeezo. You have made this into a HUGE drama and it's no wonder your child is "very distressed". All this making it into a massive deal, talking to parents individually, all the "upset". As this is not involving a move of house it's really not a biggie.

it happens here all the time, people move. Or change schools without moving. And it's all "Yes, it's sad you won't see Jane at school any more but you'll still see her at Brownies/Swimming and at the weekends".

All this crying and drama and stress and upset when it did not need to be like this at all.

Ideas:

Pony ride
Swimming
Movie
Picnic
BBQ
Trampolining
Wall Climbing
Arts and Crafts
Baking
Cooking
Shopping
Farmyard visit?
Afternoon Tea

Also, is the new school uniform nice? Shopping for that, if you haven't already done so, could be fun!
New School Bag?
New school shoes, lunchbox?

'The thing is they are quite brutal at that age. '

It boils down to this sadly. If you get a nice group of kids it wouldn't have even been an issue. You only need one unpleasant or jealous DC and the whole dynnmic can shift. We had one girl in DC's class go onto private school and nothing changed friendship wise.

It's just a case of gritting your teeth to get through the next 8weeks. Good that you're talking to the teacher to address the school time exclusion but out of school sleepovers you just need to minimise it, have nice trips out etc. She'll make a load of new friends. Well done to her for getting in.

My sympathies OP. I think you were right to tell the parents beforehand. I hope the situation improves for your DD.

@curly whilst what you say is true, that is still no excuse for this mean behaviour.

This is why so much bullying goes on - because people make excuses and turn a blind eye.

One of the girls had a SLEEPOVER and excluded the OP's dd?? Friends since they were 4. That girl's parents are behaving appallingly. Why are they allowing their dd to exclude OP's dd??

Curlyshabtree Yes resilience is a key life skill, although around here people do tend to keep in touch with primary friends, but I know what you mean, they all move on and go out into the wider world. Life is all about dealing with change. Quite frankly I didn't expect bullying though.

Shadycorner We do see quite a lot of movement at our school too, but not really the core groups of friends. They seem quite solid, so perhaps that is why this has been more difficult...who knows.

Perhaps I should try and pull her out early do you think? Or ride it out?

OP is this your last child at this school - are you in effect leaving as well?

My ds is also leaving his good comp to take up a place at a very good independent. I didn't tell anyone but it has trickled out and yes, it's normal for kids to stay in groups so he has been a bit sidelined and not invited to a couple of things, and his closest friend didn't get him a birthday present this year despite ds buying him one before xmas. I knew this would happen but I am hoping he will make lots of new friends at his new school. Telling all the parents individually wasnt a great idea OP as they will see it as showing off, but its done now.

Oh and I am sure its partly driven by the parents but tbh I can understand it. Why should their dcs invest time and energy on your dc when your dc is leaving them? Not saying I agree but it happens.

donkey I disagree with your post. No one has put any stress or drama into this situation at all.

Initially when we all chatted about it, all was fine.

Most people would describe this as bullying actually, and although you may not feel it is worthy, trust me my dd has cried herself to sleep every night, is not eating very much in the evenings and seems incredibly sad.

So whilst it is commendable that you suggest we should all just stop caring, in reality friendships mean the world to most ten year old girls, and it is very hard to be excluded from sleepovers and days out just because you happen to be going to a different school in the autumn.

Children are fickle and girls are probably the worst. They can be best friends with someone one day then completely disregard them the next. I have no idea why they do this but it’s always happened.

I suspect there’s an element of jealousy going on. Speak to the teacher about it and reassure your DD that she has done nothing wrong. Luckily won’t be for much longer.

Surely the norm is you accept a place, inform the school and carry on as normal without making a big deal out of it.
This what we did - the final date of the move was up in air due to selling house - and the whole concept of moving to new area had been hanging over us a while.. We and the kids talked about it in conversations when it came up but didn't announce it.

My kids have had friends even a best friend leave for different schools - it usually comes in in conversations and there's not usually such a long time frame. I've always assumed the kids would adapt - as groups shift all the time, which they have.

I did worry slightly for DS at end of year 5 as most of his close friends moved on to a different secondary but he made more friends in year 6 and many of them moved up with him.

If it's an overly involved parent group perhaps there's more worry than most parents about getting the children to move on and make other friends.

I'd have a word with the teacher - see if she seeing anything or can help your DD and focus on the positives of new school and things outside school.

Quartz2208 Yes this is my last year, as my last little one leaves.

No, don't pull her out. Ride it out. Help her get through this. Then she learns that 1. she can get through this, 2. you will help her get through this, and 3. you don't run away from things that are hurtful and tough.

I think very few kids get through school without being victimised in some way. While we should try to address it, so kids learn not to be victims, and not to be bullies, they do need to learn how to continue on, to some extent. (Please note, I'm talking about relatively 'low-level' bullying, here.)

Well I feel for your dd but you should have thought about this as its totally normal.

Your dd will make lots of new friends and just needs to get through the next few weeks.

Ds has just been sent dates for the new boys day/tea thing where he will get to meet people, does your new school do anything like this?

Jeezo. You have made this into a HUGE drama and it's no wonder your child is "very distressed".

I'm sorry but I think the above is bollocks. I would be extremely upset, as would my kids, if they were suddenly bullied and excluded by friends they had loved since age 4. And I am not a snowflake! I think the replies on here are really harsh!!

You can never tell how people will react in these situations. Sometimes the friendships will survive, and even grow. Sadly, more often than not, they won't. There will be a mixture of out of sight out of mind, jealousy, feeling slighted and just moving on with things. I think its a shame you had to give THIS much notice, but can see why you did. However your poor DD now has to deal with this for the whole of this term.

Do speak to the teacher, and see if they can do something to help your DD. But, just a warning, some teachers/schools can be just as touchy and sensitive about you taking your child out of their school.

Fazackerley Good luck with your son and his move, and whilst I understand the need for the children to adjust to the changes, being openly unkind and excluding dd is not acceptable.

We only have six girls in our class, so it is not as if she has an abundance of other children to play with. It is one of the reasons why we are looking forward to a bigger school. Small class sizes have big drawbacks.