dd very distressed

[Springwalk]

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

green Goodness me that really was awful for your dd, excluding from SM as well. Pretty much the same experience as us. It is horrible. Not just for our dds, but for all of the children as no one likes this kind of behaviour, you lose abit of faith in humanity.

Your picnic in the park sounds really nice, and I am really glad your dd has made lots of new friends and is settled. Perhaps all the nastiness before actually helps this process in some ways. It is (much) easier to leave when their 'friends' are being vile and horrid.

bluejava I am sorry you are experiencing this as well, it is no fun being the parent to a child that is going through this. Yes it could have happened anyway or some kind of version of it, and the reasons are almost irrelevant really.
Is your ds staying in his school or moving too?

Just throwing in our experience as I totally get what you mean about the school being such a huge part of your life.
The school my dc went to was very small (one class per year). Most children attended from nursery up to year 6 and then went onto two main secondary schools. (Faith school and the secondary schools are single sex.) Because of its size, it was inevitable that parents would become friends too.
My eldest 2 went off to their respective big schools and formed new friendship groups. However, they’ve both left school a few years now and have maintained adult friendships with the people they’d attended primary with. They naturally drifted back together. I have remained friends with several of the parents too. (I’m going to a concert with one in a couple of weeks and joining others for a communion soon.)
We left that area when ds1 was starting his new school in y7 but he was adamant that he wanted to go to his chosen school. My eldest was starting her gcse’s and also didn’t want to move. My youngest (ds2) didn’t want to leave primary and we continued to commute (two buses) or he’d stay over at his nan’s. It was a pain in the neck and I asked frequently if he’d like to move but didn’t press him. Eventually, he said he’d had enough. We had a smooth transition to a school nearer to us. He left after the May half term in y5. The move was more traumatic for me as it was severing ties after 15 years.
Ds2 classmates had all contributed in making a book for him full of anecdotes and good wishes for the future. He was initially excited but then expressed anxiety because the new primary was massive compared to his old school. (4 classes per year group compared to 1 class per year.) So, we went out on a mum and son day buying him a Dr Who school bag and stationary.
He made new friends instantly and transferred to the neighbouring high school the following year. Interestingly, he formed separate friendship groups again. Ds2 is now in y11 and still keeps in touch with his original classmates from his first primary via snapchat etc.
A long winded story, I apologise. I just wanted to say that I sort of know where you’re coming from. I hope your dd settles in as smoothly as my ds2 and makes as many friends.

I lost my DM last year and I’m still in pain so massive hugs to you. You’ve lost the person you’d have turned to re- this issue and it has bound to have magnified your emotions.

toffee I was beginning our school was the only one like this. Your school sounds just like ours, it is small and everyone knows everyone. Friendships span decades in some cases, and entire generations in others.
I can't lie and say a little part of me is heartbroken that we won't be there anymore, they are like a 'family' to us. It is a very warm and inclusive school (when you are staying!!) and after so many years it isn't to leave, even with many things to look forward to at the next one.

My eldest dc have kept in touch with all their old friends (sm makes this very easy to do now) and so I understand completely when you say your dc have all done the same. They have grown up together, shared so many memories, it is perhaps more strange to me to leave and never see this people again. Although it may be different in larger schools where there are no doubt lots of groups and lots of different friendships.

I hope all this will just pass, as it is a shame to come away thinking that a few of our friends were not really friends at all, that said it could be just the change and people dealing with it in different ways.

Sorry for the typos!

Op I can imagine how awful it would be for your dd to discover (well, be told!) there's a sleepover of her group and she's not invited. Reasons etc are in a sense irrelevant.

Though, are they usually 'whole group' sleepovers, or do numbers sometimes have to be limited because of house size? Any chance that that is the explanation?

I think one of these girls or poss two have seized the opportunity to take Alpha female role as they will be in the school another year and thus need to establish the pecking order now. I'm not saying they have sat and clinically thought about it like that but psychologically it is a natural thing. Children move on from things very quickly so from their pov it may be that your daughter isn't going to be there so she's already 'gone' iyswim. They are possibly deliberately blunting their ability to think about someone else's feelings because they feel a) rejected, b) jealous, c) anxious because they've got to get into a good school and everyone is taling about entrance and they might fail, d) one upmanship, e). Ha ha, I can be top dog now. It may well be a combination of all of these plus a dose of mummy gossip.

It is horrible that your daughter has been excluded from the sleepover and adults saying ' get over it' is daft when you read the amount of posts about'my friends all got together, left me out and it's on fb'

Teacher will do something. Stern words to girls, i think. If these other mothers are friends then I think it worth mentioning that it seems sad that the girls are excluding your daughter but then every mother will fight for their own child so it only takes a mum to say 'did you leave out Flossie in the playground' for moppet to reply 'no, we asked her to play and she said no'.

Your daughter will have induction days, etc soon and in a way this makes leaving easier for her and poss transition into Year 7 easier. As a teacher, the ones who transition more rockily are quite oftern the ones who have had a very successful school career in small schools where they were top dog or a big fish in a small pond. They mourn this loss and really struggle well into this term, for some. This whole thing could be a positive in the long run.

Sorry for the loss of your Mother. So, so hard. Is your daughter perhaps a bit more rocky because of losing granny? There is a lot of change going on for you all so be kind. I think you also need to set yourself something to interest you moving forward to move away from this school and coffee natters with these parents so that you are occupied. It's fine to mourn and be sad but hey no more sodding dressing up on World Sodding Book day can't be a bad thing!

Wise of you to change the party. Have you got holiday plans? Perhaps going away straight afterterm ends and also being away for her bday would be good.

Best of luck.

That should read...be kind to yourselves. Clearly, you are already kind. Sorry!

invisible no, the house is more than big enough, and girls outside the friendship group were even invited!

Flying Thank you for your supportive post, you clearly have lots of direct experience of girls at this age. Absolutely there is reshuffling going on, and it is causing other arguments.

I feel if I raise it with the mothers it could just make things worse or cause bad feeling (and dd would hate this) they know exactly what they are doing flying, so let them get on with it. I am busy planning fun weekends for dd every weekend, and we will leave with dignity whatever they decide to do.

" invisible no, the house is more than big enough, and girls outside the friendship group were even invited!"

Ah, then it does sound as though the friendships are realigning generally - not just excluding one, but also new friends being added to the mix - so maybe the tectonic plates were shifting anyway, and the new school is a bit of a red herring in that. But, that is still incredibly hurtful to your dd to be excluded if they could all have been invited.

Good plan of yours to line up lots of events at weekends - are there cousins, family friends with dc (don't have to be same age) who you could get together with, to create a bit of a young social life? Are there any summer activities dd could sign up for, in case the holidays are a bit empty? (Though it may well be that some of the individual girls are still friendly to dd, and once school is over those friendships could carry on? )