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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 11:46

Yes they do. Good luck to your dd at her new school.

My aim was to get out with as little drama as possible!

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:48

Fazackerley Yes I agree! My original aim was to try and extract ourselves with minimum fuss,, now I am simply aiming for extracting ourselves in one piece!! Grin

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 11:50

I bought ds a few bits of uniform, sports kit mainly, which has helped to make him look forward to September

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:51

Thats a good idea faz I may buy her some new uniform and refocus on the new school. I am counting down the days.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 11:52

This all sounds very dramatic.
Tales of everyone being so upset over previous leavers...
I have a Y5.
We seem to lose about 2 kids a year.
Everybody wishes them well. Their best friend will mope for a week. Two weeks later - they’re forgotten.

Tell the school so they can keep an eye on it.
Tell all the mums in a group situation that she’s being a bit left out and could they remind their kids to include her.
Speak specifically to sleepover mum if she normally would have her.

Anyone would be upset about bullying - but crying until your eyes are almost too swollen to read the screen? It all does seem very dramatic.

bigKiteFlying · 03/05/2019 11:53

being openly unkind and excluding dd is not acceptable.

If it's happening in school then the school should be dealing with this and certainly go in and speak to them about it.

If it's not being invited to play dates and sleep overs well you can't force people to invite your children to those things - and while it's not nice for the child left out there are few children who don't experienced this at some point.

If possible try and do other things with your DD if thers some big event they are all talking about and she's not invited and seek outside groups to help with the transition - brownies/guides drama group something external to school preferably with a social side.

Quartz2208 · 03/05/2019 11:53

Springwalk I could tell - because I think that is part of it as well that you are leaving the school

So you have 6 girls (and only 6) who are now having 1 (or is it 2 leave) of course it is going to have HUGE impact on dynamics and the others are trying to find their way of dealing with it. Some cry, some get brutal move on.

Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 11:53

I've also ordered his new name tapes which have to have his house on them which he was strangely pleased with!

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:54

I have organised a party at the end of the term. Would you still go ahead?

I am cross with parents (they are invited) I am cross with the kids (not all of them, but a few) and through gritted teeth I am going to have to welcome these people to my home.

Do I go ahead as before?
Do I change it to nearby venue so I can make it shorter (people are likely to stay for the evening)
Do I cancel??

I arranged this before this all came to light, we have a lovely party arranged for everyone that is going to be costly and take a great deal of energy to organise (we have 60 plus coming)

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 11:56

Keep in mind, that in some ways they’re simple creatures at 10. When my daughter’s friend left at the end of Y4, she was an active part of the choice. She’d told the others about the open day, and that she was looking forward to it. Some of her friends, actually felt rejected by her.

You may say that’s ridiculous... but it’s definitely what at 9/10 they felt. Not in a massive weeping and wailing way. Just a “right then, you’re happy to be doing the off, so we’re not too worried either”.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:56

Ellisandra with respect, it is not just the school situation and without going into detail I have a great deal to cope with at the moment.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/05/2019 11:57

Hold on you are throwing a massive party because your daughter is moving school - you arent moving though are you?

Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 11:57

Hmm I wouldn't have done a party tbh. But as you have I'd just go ahead with it BUT in that case I wouldn't say anything to anyone about bullying or noone will come!!

Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 11:59

I would cancel the 60+ party because, to be honest, that sounds more about you leaving this school and social group.

My friend’s daughter just left local state for private. She did a party. Got permission to hire school hall, had a disco, whole class. Of CHILDREN.

Why isn’t her leaving party, her friends? She has a gang of 6, yet you have 10x that coming. I’m starting to see why all the leavers at your school seem to have happened with such drama!

Just have a do with her friends.

Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 11:59

Just a “right then, you’re happy to be doing the off, so we’re not too worried either”

Yes. I did tell ds not to tell anyone and he was quite good about keeping it to himself, but once one found out then it spreads and I think people do feel a bit hurt. I am deliberately not saying one bad word about the comp as I really want him to leave with dignity!

Acis · 03/05/2019 11:59

I would hope that the teacher can sort this out. Apart from anything else, if these girls have learnt the power of exclusion there is a danger they will start doing it to someone else.

However, if that doesn't work, bear in mind that you can always deregister your daughter and home educate for the rest of this term.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:00

Quartz2208 Yes just six girls, and the other girl that is leaving is not part of the same friendship group or class, and only moved here a year ago. So it has been okay for her, as she hasn't settled into proper friendships and so no one is really bothered. My dd however has been there from the start, has been key part of this small group since the year dot, and we are not finding it so easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:02

Quartz2208 People often do end of term drinks if a family are leaving/moving etc, we have combined it with my dd birthday party, and included everyone. We didn't expect everyone to accept though, as most go straight on holiday, but they have all accepted! So it has kind of grown bigger than I first intended.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 03/05/2019 12:02

Dd left her primary at the end of year 5. Because she was leaving to go to a specialist private school.

It was the primary school that was the problem. I have a friend who when she told her dds school that her dd was leaving the school to attend this particular school they wrote an horrendous letter to her. Can’t put the exact wording as it would be too outing but along the lines of if your dd leaves the school she will be a complete failiure in life.

I knew a couple of the parents of older pupils at the new school and they told me to keep it quiet till the last possible minute because of their experiences.

Dds friends were lovely. No idea what the parents thought as they had never uttered a word to me in the few years I had been doing the school run.

All I can say is your dd and your so called friends have shown their true colours and I would encourage your dd to think to her future.
Let their pettiness and bullying role off her (harder for a 10 year old at school) She has 8 weeks to go. Just look at it as a thing to be endured until her new life can begin.
The new school will bring new friends who she will probably have for life and new opportunities.

Good luck

bigKiteFlying · 03/05/2019 12:03

Have you sent out invites - are people actual going to come?

We had a really low turnout for a birthday party at end of summer between primary and secondary - primary and different secondary friends suddenly weren't bothered and it upset our child.

I'm not sure I'd have done a big party anyway - it's a big deal for your family but it's not for anyone else - we saw that a bit of that reaction when our DC gave a present to the staff at their first primary school.

DonkeyHohtay · 03/05/2019 12:03

But you are partly responsible for this drama OP and that's the bit you can't see.

A child moving school is not a big deal. It happens to millions of children every year. If you are not moving house, there is no reason why your daughter's friendships cannot last. Yes they may drift as she makes new friends and they move on, but it's not inevitable.

You have made the move into a big deal by formally informing the parents and creating a fuss. Had you just quietly mentioned it to one person and let the news drift around, you probably wouldn't be so inconsolable now. Other parents wouldn;t have got the "well we're moving on so goodbye" message and seen there is no reasons for friendships to end. Planning a party just reinforces the perception that you are cutting all ties.

Bullying is never acceptable but you cannot expect your DD to be included in events when you've made it very clear to all that you are moving on.

We had a very different experience when one of DD's friends made a very unexpected move to the USA when she was 10. Nobody was mean to her, nobody cut her out of plans even though it was fairly clear that none of them would see her again. No drama. No fuss.

Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 12:04

Also “costly and a lot of energy” - then you say you have a lot going on at the moment:
So why on earth are you making a big deal of a leaving party which sounds like it’s for your school mum lunch and coffee friends?!

You don’t need to spend lots of money on a party - what are you doing that costs so much money when it’s at home?!

The girls, a pizza, a film, a sleepover.
Cheap, stress free to organise, fun - and appropriate.

Dial it all down a bit. Maybe it’s things like the massive party that make the friends feel like this is The End, that has cranked up the drama, and left them feeling like the friendship is terminal so not much point in continuing it this term?

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:04

Its difficult to just invite dd friends, as we have friends in the year that are not in our class or are family friends with boys. I thought the party would be a good idea to take her mind off things, focus on something positive...

OP posts:
Mummylovesbags · 03/05/2019 12:06

This is upsetting but just remember that your dd has the sort of Mum that writes into mumsnet because she’s so concerned.

A ten year old cant lie for two months and you probably had no idea that the girls would behave like this.

You have organised tea parties, you’re involved, aware, you’re communicating with teachers. Don’t underestimate the impact you’re having because ultimately a Mother like you in her corner is what matters and many girls don’t have that.

Unfortunately this is only the beginning of the dynamics of female friendships and she’s got a lifetime of it ahead of her. Ten is an impressionable age and you have the opportunity to teach her that no matter what might happen at school or with boys or rejection, she’s a soft place to fall.

You can only control so much and I think as a supportive mother, you’re going above and beyond. Don’t underestimate the power of a cuddle, listening and organising family time. You’re her home base and the one thing that will prevail through the teenage years.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/05/2019 12:08

The fanfare you’ve surrounded this event with is flabbergasting Shock
Informing the parents before you’d accepted the place so they could manage their children’s distress... Months before anyone needed to know...
And now you want to throw a celebration party!
And your latest update says you wanted to extract yourselves with minimum fuss Confused Confused Confused
Maybe the mums and kids aren’t jealous at all, they’re just stunned at the extravaganza you’re making out of a fairly pedestrian event.