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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 03/05/2019 10:42

I don't think it was wrong to tell the parents if you are friendly with them and meet up regularly. I think it would have been weird not to say anything.

I know someone who didn't say a word to their group of friends and just their ds just disappeared from school one day.
The mum had sat next to the other Mums in assemblys. Had play dates and drank coffee with them and never said a word. They all felt pretty confused and a bit hurt that she hadn't said a word about it.
Can you not speak to the mum's about it and tell them how upset she is? I would hate it if I found out my dc had done this to a friend.

It must be horrible for your poor dd and for you to see her so upset. I hope she does brilliantly at her new school and makes lots of new friends.

SilentSister · 03/05/2019 10:43

I understand it must be very sad for your DD. However, this would have happened in the final year anyway. IME when decisions are made at the end of primary school, the children going to the various schools start to band together and long established friendships come to an end. I am assuming the school you have changed to goes on to Secondary, so try to reassure your DD that she will make new friends, and those friendships will hopefully continue into her teens. She has just reached that point a year earlier than she would have anyway. Good luck in her new school, I am sure she will be fine.

Outanabout · 03/05/2019 10:44

It sounds like more than jealousy, I'd wonder if something in the way you handled it gave people the hump? The other girls can't all have suddenly turned into bullies just because your daughter's leaving. TBH why did you have to make a big deal of it so far in advance?

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:45

In hindsight, and looking at the group with fresh eyes, I wonder if the dynamics have been there all along actually.

The true colours of some individuals have really shone through.

If one of dd's friends were leaving for the same reason I would be happy for them, congratulate them, make sure dd still has other friends to play with and continue as normal. I know they may have a different take on it, and have their own reasons but I just so wish it wasn't ending this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:48

righton

I know someone who didn't say a word to their group of friends and just their ds just disappeared from school one day.
The mum had sat next to the other Mums in assemblys. Had play dates and drank coffee with them and never said a word. They all felt pretty confused and a bit hurt that she hadn't said a word about it

I know someone who did that too, and this is exactly why I choose to be honest. It caused a great deal of upset, and some of the children closest to the girl that suddenly left were very confused and hurt.
Maybe there is no easy way of handling these things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:49

righton Thank you for your kind message. I will tell dd to keep looking to the future, but she doesn't seem to care about her next school, only about what is happening to her every day.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/05/2019 10:50

Children live in the moment. And when things are going badly, those moments feel like an eternity.

Quartz2208 · 03/05/2019 10:53

The thing is they are quite brutal at that age. One of DDs good friends and classmates left in March (same Year 5 and since pre school). They were great in the build up to leaving and cried a lot when she left.

By the Monday it was as if she had never been there at all - they adapt and move on quickly and it sounds like they have adapted here before she is actually leaving as a defense mechanism

DD best friend is also going and even though they still include her you can see they are wondering about the dynamic once she leaves - there is a group of 3 and you can see DD and her other friend becoming closer - partly because that is how it is going to be and also to avoid the pain being too much. I can see who is positioning as well to take her pace

And to put it into context these 3 were as close as can be and no arguments - they still are but you can see the fact she is leaving is having an affect

DisappearingGirl · 03/05/2019 10:54

This is awful and definitely bullying and I would talk to the school. Your poor dd.

I can't believe people are saying it's your fault for telling people she is leaving! That isn't a reason for bullying someone! It would be totally weird not to tell people you are leaving when they are yours & your dd's friends!!

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:55

The other girls can't all have suddenly turned into bullies just because your daughter's leaving. TBH why did you have to make a big deal of it so far in advance?

Not all of the girls have turned into bullies, just one or two at the most, and the rest are just along with it.

I haven't made a big deal of anything, dd was offered a place we accepted it, along with another girl in the year. It would not have been easy to keep secret, as the other girl had already told everyone and knew my dd was also going. I mentioned it quietly to the parents I know well (and are parents of dds friends) so they were not the last to know. That was all there was to it, or so I thought.

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 03/05/2019 10:55

It does sound like jealousy, OP. I don’t think anything you’ve said has caused it. Some parents are just dicks and unfortunately bring their children up to be like them. You’ve said a couple of the kids are brighter than her, that’s probably where the jealousy has started. With the parents of those children thinking their child deserves the same advantage, even though they’ve obviously made no attempt to help the child move to the better school.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:57

mbosnz absolutely children live in the moment, and she could not care less about her next school, only the terrible sadness she feels about her so called friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:01

Quartz2208 Interesting that you are on the other side of this dynamic. Yes we have had other children leave, and it has been very stressful for all of them. Which is why we spoke them in advance, to try and get them all used to the idea, to prepare. Unfortunately they sometimes prepare in ways you had not anticipated.

I am not sorry that I was honest, I still feel it was the right thing, but I am sorry that I ever thought the mothers were friends of ours, because there is no way I would ever allow a sleepover to take place and leave one child out.

OP posts:
whyohwhyowhydididoit · 03/05/2019 11:02

Quite understandably OP you are upset about your daughter’s feelings being hurt but what about the children she is leaving behind? Perhaps their feelings are hurt too, that they matter so little to your DD that she can go off and leave them. Perhaps that’s why they are withdrawing from her. They know they will miss her and are putting new friendships in place now so. they won’t be lonely or isolated when she is no linger around every day.

As you rightly say there is probably no easy way to do this. Change is hard, being the person left behind when a friend moves on is hard. Feelings will be hurt and relationships will change and all you can do is support your DD and wait for this to pass.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/05/2019 11:02

I'm sad for your DD.
It seems like her friends have decided that, since she won't still be there after a couple more months, they'll get used to not being with her now.

I wouldn't do that - I'd want to spend more time with her before she left, if anything! - but maybe that's their way of dealing with it, so they don't miss her so much when she finally leaves.

One of DS1's friends left school over Easter - we knew he was going, so he and DS spent some time together outside of school, to make the most of their time while they still could. We know where he's gone, but it's not quite the same as seeing him every day at school, is it.

However you look at it, though, these "friends" are not such good friends after all. Painful though it is for your DD at this point, at least she'll know not to bother trying to stay in touch with them after she moves schools.

RedHelenB · 03/05/2019 11:03

Theres one solution and that's for your daughter to move into the other girl who's leavings class.

I take it we're talking private school here where classes are smaller and theres more coming and going.

You need to get concrete examples of the meaness and go into school about it. They should ensure shes not excluded at play times. If however its things like not being invited to sleepovers, theres not much school.can do.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:06

S1naidSucks I think jealously is at play a little, because the girl behind the sleepover was put forward for a similar exam to a different school, but she did not get in. I am not sure what went wrong, as she should have walked it, the girls were supportive and kind and she was fine.

I amazed the mother could ever think it was okay to invite the whole group for the sleepover except for dd. I am so cross and incredulous. This is a professional, intelligent, thoughtful woman who would be the last person on earth I would expect to do this....

OP posts:
GrandmaSharksDentures · 03/05/2019 11:06

Please don't flame me for telling this story.

When I was 10, my absolute best friend ever announced she was leaving our primary school to go to a private school (leaving our primary school a year before "normal"). I was absolutely gutted & knew I would miss her like crazy, but I also knew I had to work on making new friends. Which I did. I didn't mean to exclude best friend but I got in a whole heap of trouble for "bullying by exclusion". It was never my intention to hurt her but in my naive 10yr old brain I needed "get on with it". I was immature but not nasty.

Could this be what is happening?

Quartz2208 · 03/05/2019 11:10

Springwalk yes I think the parents are to blame certainly for leaving one out with the sleepover and I suspect that jealously is there on their part

But yes certainly for DD the idea of her best friend moving abroad (and here it is different as she is moving moving) is heartbreaking but she has to cope and I encourage her too and yes a little bit of that on her part is starting the process now so it hurts less

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 11:10

Perhaps their feelings are hurt too, that they matter so little to your DD that she can go off and leave them

Yes I understand that, and we have been so reassuring up to now saying we will see them in holidays and weekends. We can't avoid the change at school though, and I suspect it will be very hard for one or two of them. One of them I know was crying a lot at home. I felt terrible for her, and still do but ultimately I have to put dd and her future first, I can't hold her back. There is a price to pay though Sad for all of them.

OP posts:
Lifeover · 03/05/2019 11:11

Op I don’t think you have done the wrong thing here at all. Why should you lie and have to keep quiet. The people in the wrong are the parents of the other girls who will no doubt have either intentionally or unintentionally caused them to ostracise your daughter.

It’s very difficult to know how to handle this. I would be speaking to the parents and inviting the families over to yours to continue as normal.

I would also be speaking to the teacher to see how they can help manage what is effectively bullying.

Congratulations on your daughters place. I hope she has a better time there.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/05/2019 11:12

I think probably two things are going on.
An element of jealousy, if the place is hard to get and seen as desirable. The others might be feeling that your dd thinks she is better than them.
Also when someone is leaving for a different school rather than a location move, other children can feel a bit hurt and abandoned, as though their friend doesn’t like them anymore, and doesn’t want to stay with them.
I think the only thing you can do is organise some nice things for dd and her previously closest friends to do out of school, that would help to cement the friendships. I can understand you might not feel like doing something nice for girls that are being unkind, but they are still very young and it might help.

I know my younger dd (year 7) still thinks of, and talks about, a friend who moved away about four years ago. They see each other very occasionally when the other girl visits a local relative, but dd still thinks of her as part of her group, and still misses her. My dd is very loyal as a person, but children can take it to heart and react strongly when one of their friends is leaving.

beachysandy81 · 03/05/2019 11:13

You haven't done anything wrong by telling people. I think it is better to be open and honest. It does sound like jealousy as that mother can control who stays for a sleepover and she has let her daughter exclude yours. Talk to the school.

At least your daughter will be leaving soon but time is a lot longer for children unfortunately.

Are you still meeting up with the mothers? Can't you mention it to them?

Kez200 · 03/05/2019 11:14

I don't think you did downplay the achievement because you told each parent "individually" and that makes a big thing of it whatever way you look at it. What you might have meant to have done, may well not have been interpreted as such.

If you get involved with bullying angle make sure you are right. If you are wrong, it could well make it worse.

It wasn't about lying, it should just have been a thing your daughter mentioned to her friends herself. Done it her way. Then it would most likely have been hugs and "oh no when will we see each other?" type drama, rather than involving adults and potential parental envy/jealousy/irritation at the way it was said type result.

Well done to your daughter. Start to prepare her for moving on. There is little you can do about this now.

Megs4x3 · 03/05/2019 11:16

Children don't need as much 'time to adjust' as we tend to think they do, so with hindsight, mentioning things 'formally' might have been better nearer the end of the academic year. Perhaps you could just have a quiet word with her teacher about how she is feeling excluded and ask if she could do anything to help? She has likely noticed the change in dynamics of the group. If it's one or two leading the group, she can certainly deal with that. I'm sorry that a mum thought fit to leave out your dd but there's no accounting for other people's actions sometimes.