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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 12:08

I thought the party would be a good idea to take her mind off things, focus on something positive..

Let the new school be the positive. Ds has been to watch a match at his new school this week which he really enjoyed and the teachers were so lovely and welcoming that it's just cancelling out the bad stuff. But he's a boy and older so it's a bit easier.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:09

Yes you could be right about the party. I perhaps should not have thought that this would be a good idea. My dd loves a good party and enjoys having all of her friends over, we are a very friendly family so having lots of people over is not a big deal, but under these circumstances it is far from ideal.

I haven't sent out invites yet, just an email to see if they are free, and all have said they will come.

OP posts:
Mummylovesbags · 03/05/2019 12:09

Ps: the school sounds competitive, I’d be focusing on that, I remember the excitement of moving to an all girls school when I was 10. I made my dad drive past the massive pool and Spanish architecture 10,000 times, I think just focus on the achievement. Ultimately this is about her academic future, friends are going to wax and wane but it’s about her journey. I think like I said, a good opportunity to learn about staying in her own lane and the exciting path that is ahead.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:11

thegrey It is a birthday party and end of terms drinks. Her birthday is over the summer so we always do something at the end of term when everyone is still here.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 12:11

Just on the “key part” of the group of 6 girls...
These girls might be artificially close because they’re aren’t enough of them to form other groups.

We actually went out of catchment to a 60 pupil year, because our village school had classes of between 8-12. They taught YR to Y2 mixed. In the YR when we viewed, there were 3 girls.

I know a lot of the mums have said that these friendships that have endured for 7 years disappear overnight at secondary - because it’s easy to think 7 years means depth, but it’s actually 7 years of convenience and lack of choice.

I’ve heard that even with the 60 in my girls year, it’s really common to end up with a new set at secondary.

It sounds like those 6 girls haven’t really experienced the shapeshifting that is friendships throughout primary. That might explain why they don’t cope so well with the changes. But it also might explain why they’re not seeming too bothered about including her - they may be in some ways a gang of convenience.

Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 12:12

Do you have the option to just transfer her to the new school now?

Pegsinarow · 03/05/2019 12:14

Everybody wishes them well. Their best friend will mope for a week. Two weeks later - they’re forgotten.

This hasn't been the case with my DD at all. Two of her bf's left to go back to their home countries and she's kept in touch, they are always exchanging messages and photos, face-timing , seeing one another every summer. These were also friends she'd had from nursery. She's made new friends too of course and everyone is settled where they are several years on, but they've all remained friends and no one has forgotten anyone!

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:16

mummy Oh my your message bought a lump to my throat, really it has. I am totally choked. Thank you.
I am battling my way through, and trying to help her without making things worse. I have tried to act with integrity.
You understand even down to the architecture!! I am now on the mummy side of this, and it is not pleasant!!!!! I am the least competitive mother more into peace and love than clawing my way into one school or another, but had no idea how brutal it is.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 12:17

I was generalising - of course there are exceptions. But I’ve got 2 children through all and almost all of primary, with approx 2 per year leaving per child. And overall the vast majority just move on, and are quickly forgotten. It sounds harsh... but they’re little kids so most do move on quickly.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:20

ellis she can't go to the new school until sep sadly. I agree the friendships are as much out of convenience than anything else, but my dd is very close to 3 of the girls, you can tell the way they are together, the non verbal communication and the way they stand so close, often holding hands or linking arms. I don't think it is fake, and maybe that is why it is so hard. None of them have any experience of change, but I had just assumed (wrongly) that they would all be fine and catch up at the weekends.

No idea what to do about this blinking party now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:23

ellis When I say key part, I mean dd has been there from the beginning. A few of the others started much later (1-2 years ago) so I guess dd is seen as cornerstone only due to the length of time she has been there. She was the girl that showed them around, made them welcome, invited them back to her house for tea etc. So she has been there from the start.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 12:24

Poor thing. I didn’t mean that they were fake - just convenient and more easily given up than you think.

Are the 2 that are causing the problem the other 2, not from these 3?

Maybe get some 1:1 play dates going with those 3. Not all 3 at once perhaps, to avoid war Wink

Ellisandra · 03/05/2019 12:25

I very much doubt any of the girls really see her as a cornerstone. That’s quite adult thinking. In my experience, the key one is the most popular or most dominant, and that can be one who turned up 5 minutes ago sometimes!

bigKiteFlying · 03/05/2019 12:25

I'd talk to your DD see where she is at with the party - is it something she'd still want or would she prefer to do something else - day out with family instead - and pssoibly wait to see how next few weeks go for her and ask again before sending out any invites.

With my DC it seem to take about 18months - 2 years before letters, e-mails and stuff peters out but then there not seeing them around or over summer it was even quicker when they were younger.

Onecutefox · 03/05/2019 12:27

You should talk to school, definitely. The teachers will monitor her friends and will tell them off if they see some bullying actions toward your DD.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:27

Yes the newer girls are the problem, the older ones seem fine and have assumed they will continue to see dd. I had always hoped dd would stay friends with all of them, but these developments will make it harder.

I may get some one to one playdates organised. Avoid the group gatherings for a bit. That is a really good idea thank you ellis. If for no other reason than to give dd something to look forward to.

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 03/05/2019 12:29

How good is the new school? The parents may have planted some envy in their children.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:31

The new school is great, she is very lucky to be going there. Most of the dc are indifferent about the next school, but amongst the parents it is brutal. I have just been through similar with other dc so know to keep silent on the subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:33

bigflite If she decides not to go ahead, then what do I do? Just say it is off!!! Not sure I can do that....so I am worried about even asking her. Given these girls are all coming, she may not even want them here.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/05/2019 12:35

Really OP I mean this kindly but you really have turned this into a huge thing. However well meaning your intentions you have made it look like your daughter is a) the centre of the school group and b) moving on to bigger and better things that their daughters cant aspire to. Nothing in the way you have gone about it is low key. It all screams look how great my dd is. This is most probably why there has been this reaction.

Fazackerley · 03/05/2019 12:37

Yes you have OP with the best will in the world. I would try and think of a good excuse to cancel the party.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 12:38

sweeny I am sorry but you are way off the mark. I have not said this at all.

OP posts:
WhatWouldLeighAnneTwohyDo · 03/05/2019 12:39

This is definitely about jealousy. The fact that some of the girls made your DD 'well done' cards rather than 'sorry you're leaving' cards shows that what's happening is seen as the outcome of a competitive process rather than just a change of circumstances. This will have come from the parents and filtered down to the kids imo, so I think you should explain this to your DD and make it clear to her that it's your mum friends who have proved a disappointment, rather then her friends, who are just following their mums' lead. I think you were naive not to expect this as an outcome, although I also think that if you genuinely had no idea this would come across as stealth boasting, you are obviously rather nicer than your friends. As far as the party's concerned, what does your DD want to do? Assuming that people do come, I can't believe her friends will be unpleasant actually at the party, but does she still want to see them again after all of this? Do you want to see the families? I wouldn't feel bad about sacking it off if you both feel you haven't got the stomach for it anymore, and I might be tempted to tell people why and what I thought of them - though perhaps you're nicer than me!

DonkeyHohtay · 03/05/2019 12:39

so know to keep silent on the subject

Apart from singling out the parents to tell them individually and throwing a massive party?

wengie · 03/05/2019 12:41

If it was me in your position I would talk to her teacher and then talk to my daughter and build up her strength. She's not eating or sleeping well from what you have posted and I would focus on her mental health. You have to teach her resilience that is life people move on. Tell her that she is a smart and lovely girl and they are jealous of her. I would tell her they weren't her friends in the first place and go and find new friends who are nicer.

You can have a big party for her but will it help. You are thinking about inviting children who are not nice to her. You are her strength and at the moment you are showing weakness. Why not have a small party for the kids who are nice to her and won't upset her.

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