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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent spending my money on my step kids

263 replies

Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:06

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

OP posts:
LorelaiRoryEmily · 02/05/2019 19:09

That would piss me off too op but I could be in the minority🤷🏻‍♀️ Why does he pay her anything if you have the kids 50/50? I don’t understand that

SonEtLumiere · 02/05/2019 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseIsEverything · 02/05/2019 19:09

What sort of things do you mean by supporting him when the kids are with you?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 02/05/2019 19:09

Did you bring children to the relationship?

My answer will depend on that!

Snappedandfarted2019 · 02/05/2019 19:09

What’s the problem if you have separate finances? If its a case of food and the use of utilities then you’re being unreasonable but if it’s days out I can see you’re POV

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:10

It was part of the divorce settlement, essentially she refused to agree to the divorce unless he paid this figure. She held him to ransom and as she’d already held up the divorce for an age.

OP posts:
ResidentStepMum · 02/05/2019 19:10

Odd to be paying maintenance when you have them half the time... I've raised my stepson but purely my choice to do so and pay out etc. You say he expects you to support... Have you questioned this and if so what did he say??

Beachbodynowayready · 02/05/2019 19:11

He owes no maintenance on 50/50...
So Yanbu to spend nil...

Treaclesweet · 02/05/2019 19:12

We're you the OW?

CheeseIsEverything · 02/05/2019 19:13

We're you the OW?

Surprised it took 9 comments before someone asked this Hmm

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:13

The costs of life with them being with us, so trips to the cinema, meals out, plus the usual household costs including clothes for them.

I don’t know why a response would be different on whether I have my own kids or not. Please would you explain?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:13

NO I was not the OW?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/05/2019 19:13

What is he expecting you to pay for when the SDCs are with you?

Jimdandy · 02/05/2019 19:14

Whatamistakewhatamistake

An court order can be “overruled” by the CMS after 1 year and 1 day of the divorce.

Get the figures in the calculator and stop paying.

CheeseIsEverything · 02/05/2019 19:14

The costs of life with them being with us, so trips to the cinema, meals out, plus the usual household costs including clothes for them

No YANBU to not want to spend your own money on this sort of stuff. Especially when he's paying out to the ex wife when he shouldn't be.

horrayforharoldlloyd · 02/05/2019 19:15

Either parent can go through the CMS a year after divorce. It isn't true that a 50:50 order is always a zero payment.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 02/05/2019 19:15

You’re being petty about clothes utilities and foods it’s part of being a family unit and you decided to be when you got with you’re dh and moved in with him. The other stuff you can limit or get him to contribute more out of his money.

Beachbodynowayready · 02/05/2019 19:15

His ex must be laughing her head off!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/05/2019 19:16

Xpost!

Have you told him you don’t want to pay towards these things? You have separate finances for all other spending so why is he expecting this to be shared?

christinarossetti19 · 02/05/2019 19:16

Do you feel that you have enough money for you ie to spend week to week, buy new clothes/holidays now and then, pension, savings etc?

If the answer to this is 'no' then you probably do need to prioritise how your income is spent.

The step children have two parents providing for them (absolutely rightly). Do you have enough to provide for yourself?

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:16

Really? Even if the order wasn’t made out to be supporting her just for kids? I.e. what used to be called alimony?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 02/05/2019 19:16

I do get it; I pay half for my DSD when she’s with us but that’s only every other weekend and there’s only one of her. I wouldn’t be that keen on paying for her clothes and as you have them 50:50 and there’s two of them I imagine that cuts into your money a lot. Was it not something you talked about before you moved in together?

CheeseIsEverything · 02/05/2019 19:16

NO I was not the OW?

Ignore it OP. People hear 'second wife' and jump to you being the OW quicker than shit off a shovel.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 02/05/2019 19:16

The response would be different because you would be paying for the same things out of the same pool of money.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/05/2019 19:16

How do you mean that you support him when the children are with you? It can't increase the bills that much more to have them there except for food, so couldnt he just get the extra shopping in?

If it's for activities that you all do, how would he react if you said you just wanted to pay for your own ticket and lunch (for example), so that you could add to your savings or buy something else?

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