Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent spending my money on my step kids

263 replies

Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:06

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 02/05/2019 20:50

Hold your horses everyone. This may indeed be spousal maintenance as part of the divorce and nothing whatsoever to do with the kids so talking about the CSA and only a year for court orders is absolute rubbish if its spousal.

Purpletigers · 02/05/2019 20:52

You’re not being at all unreasonable . You’re working 50 hours weeks while the mother of 17 year old twins ( so almost adults) is working 20 , receiving child benefit , tax credits and goodness knows what else.
You need to sit down with your husband and discuss this properly .
The wedding, car , house deposits etc are something they can worry about and save for themselves. It’s not usual for parents to stump up for all those things at all .

Purpletigers · 02/05/2019 20:54

I’d be arranging nights out with my friends if I were you . At 17 they should both be looking for part time jobs to fund their social life .

Shootingstar1115 · 02/05/2019 20:55

If you have your stepchildren 50 percent of the time he really shouldn’t be paying his ex wife so much imo!

FlyingMonkeys · 02/05/2019 20:55

To be fair at 17 the maintaince payments won't go on much longer to now. Don't do expensive trips out when they're there, and it's doubtful they'll want to come on future holidays very soon. Your husband should budget/finance for their clothing/pocket money allowance if they still receive one from you both.

Nearlythere1 · 02/05/2019 20:55

OP, others have said the ex must be laughing at you both, but your husband is laughing at you.

All these people that seem to think you should just be able to accept the children as if they were your own are superior fucks. It doesn't work like that and we're not all Mother Teresa. I think you sound like you've done a great job.

If they're 17 you could potentially stick it out for another year and see what happens come 18. For what it's worth, at 17 I had a weekend job and bought all my own clothes, paid all my own social stuff. I came from a low income family of 6 kids though and I really had to if i wanted "nice things".

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 21:02

I’ve said it’s partly spousal and doesn’t stop until they’re 24!! Makes my blood boil.

OP posts:
Purpletigers · 02/05/2019 21:04

24?! Holy shit - speak to a solicitor, she’s taking the piss .

bridgetreilly · 02/05/2019 21:05

I don’t resent buying their food, four can almost eat as cheaply as two anyway. What I resent is paying is half of everything when they’re with us - whatever it is I pay half. Meal out, train tickets, cinema, etc.

Yup, I agree, that's very unreasonable. It's reasonable that things like groceries and utilities that they benefit from come from the shared pool, but given that you have separate finances for things like eating out, you should only be paying your part of those things, not half the step-children's part as well. Why on earth do you do that?

RandomMess · 02/05/2019 21:06

Yes it can be reviewed!!!

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 21:07

She is but it’s legal. He’d have paid double to get divorced from her.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 02/05/2019 21:11

The exW is taking the piss, her 'kids' are near enough adults, she only works 20 hrs pw, probably getting tax credits, had new DP more than likely contributing to household and £500pm and has the boys 50/50!!
Meanwhile you're going short to fund Disney Dad, get him told that this needs sorted asap.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2019 21:12

YANBU to be pissed off but you haven’t said why you haven’t told him you feel before now. Why haven’t you?

soworriedforhim · 02/05/2019 21:13

@justasking111. Doesn’t matter what his ex works. OP is not their mother and shouldn’t be paying for them.

@SuperheroBirds you’re wrong. OP pays half the bills. Days out and meals etc are in question. Just because you were a step kid doesn’t mean your inclusiveness rules over unfair unmarried finances. I have children and a boyfriend of several years. I get £0 from my ex, and I expect £0 from my boyfriend towards my kids. If he wants to pay for things that is different. But I would never expect it, nor encourage.

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 21:13

Thanks everyone, first job tomorrow do some research on revisiting court orders! I don’t even care if the money isn’t reduced, I’d just love to see that smug grin wiped off her face, even just for a short time.

OP posts:
lovinglifexo · 02/05/2019 21:14

You have them 50/50 you shouldn’t be paying maintenance

justasking111 · 02/05/2019 21:17

Whatamistakewhatamistake Yes she has a 20 hours a week job Yes she also has a new partner

Wow she really is in clover.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2019 21:17

Is he happy with the £500 payment? Surely if he wasn’t he’d have looked into changing it.

Do you know what proportion is child support and spousal?

My husband pays spousal and I’m always surprised to see people on here say it’s very rare and only court ordered when one person has a high salary as that’s not always the case.

bellaellie · 02/05/2019 21:17

From what I currently know I think you're being unreasonable to suggest
that lowering the amount your husband gives his ex wife would be fair,
because it wouldn't be.

Your husbands childrens mother has all sorts of bills to pay regarding her
children and has to feed, clothe them and much more - on 6k a year, thats
£250 per child per month and if you have your own children you will know that
this sort of money is hardly enough to cover all the expenses.

Regardless of the amount of time she spends with them she still has to pay
for these expenses.

Meanwhile you and your husband have slightly under 60 grand a year split between
the two of you to pay 'the bills' as in, for the house and you'll have leftovers. If his income
deducts most of his income after he has payed towards his children, then you cannot
expect him to pay for you as he has himself to pay for. If you & your husband earn
the same surely you can afford to buy things for yourself.

You and your husband could pay 25% each towards the children while you
have them? You don't have to pay towards the children however it would
be an act of kindness since your husband seems to be running out of money
I don't know how. And since you both earn slightly under £30,000 a year
and jointly pay the bills, I don't understand how your husband doesn't have money left
over to pay for his teenagers and needs to ask you for money ontop of that. You seem
to be doing fine with money and can somehow afford to pay for his children yet
he can't even though he earns the same? What's he spending his money on?
You and your husband should set up budgets.
I hate that word because of what it means but it honestly seems as though you
two need one.

working 20 hours a week means she works part time and it wouldn't give her much
money on-top of what your husband currently gives her per month.

I doubt she's earning much or your husband wouldn't have wanted to pay £500pm.

Your husbands ex wife's partner might be like you and not want to pay towards
the support of her two teens, aka your step children, so your husbands ex wife
is probably living off the money your husband gives her if that makes sense.

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 21:18

He knows how I feel about it. I’ve said I struggle financially, but so does he. We do stuff that’s cheap or free but they’re 17 and don’t want to go on walks.

We live in a small house and if we don’t get out it feels so claustrophobic, especially as they both have this thing about getting into bed, whatever time of day, fully dressed and staying there! I can’t bear it!

OP posts:
stopitandtidyupp · 02/05/2019 21:18

The 500 direct to their Mum is for such a short time if they are 17. If all else is good in the relationship. Then I would just hold out.

Though I would not mind paying for my step daughters when I had them. I still send them money for their birthdays even after I split with their Dad.

My oh pays for my dd as she lives with us and rarely stays with her Dad. I would be upset that he would see them her like that.

I think the days out need to be made more cheaply. Lots of parents don’t take their 17 year olds on weekly £100 trips or meals as they are usually out with friends etc.

Ghanagirl · 02/05/2019 21:19

@Whatamistakewhatamistake
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, kids are bloody expensive....

stopitandtidyupp · 02/05/2019 21:19

whatever time of day, fully dressed and staying there! I can’t bear it!

Why? I love this even as an adult. Why does what they are doing in the house bother you that much?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2019 21:20

If ex can’t fund her life on her wage she can choose to work more hours, like OP and most of us have to bellaellie Hmm

arilla · 02/05/2019 21:20

So she supported him while he built up a career, he purposefully chose a cheap option to get rid of her, and now you want to "slap her smug face"?

OP, you're not coming across well here.

@bellaellie is right.