To resent spending my money on my step kids

[Whatamistakewhatamistake]

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

You’re forgetting that’s just his contribution, where’s her contribution for her own kids?

Yanbu. His kids so his money.

I say this as once a step child

Cheap option? I wouldn’t say £500 a month is cheap!

AnneLovesGilbert

She might not be able to work more hours

Did they have a marital mortgages home with equity in it?

The majority think she’s coming across just fine arilla. Do you know the ex? Do you know she sacrificed her career?

As no CMS is owed with contact 50/50 it’s not a “cheap option” at all is it.

The DC are 17, they haven’t needed childcare for years. She can work ft like most people have to. When he stops having to pay her how’s she going to cope then?

@soworriedforhim the op suggests they are married (DH). I agree that it is the parents responsibility to pay for their children, but as someone who grew up in a blended family I think there has to come a point when you start treating everyone as one family. Personally, for me that time would be when you are all living under the same roof, especially if married. I am aware however that personal feelings and the law are two different things.

They are 17. If you cause too much trouble now your DH will lose his kids forever, as this is the age when they decide whether they want a long term adult relationship with the non-resident parent. I would suggest you walk away if you resent paying - you aren’t cut out to be a stepmum.

Can nobody read? OP doesn't have kids, the agreement has been ongoing for 7 years and is for another 7.

Why can’t she work more? Her excuse was always the kids, they don’t need her around after school at 17!

Where’s her contribution - they’re her kids!

Then she’ll be in trouble when the gravy train ends bellaellie. Let’s hope she’s been saving up.

Child maintenance service will only count his money also. So i agree @IABUQueen..OP shouldn't have to use her money.

Yab a bit u, really. If you build a life together that comes with any kids either of you has unless you firmly agree otherwise at the start, it's a bit late to change after getting married.

And you know... I know you said you didn't want to hear it, but this overlap of married household and parent/child relationship was a thing when you started and you did have a decision to make then. You committed to it even if you didn't realise this was the implication.

You can attempt the conversation but I am not sure how it would go, tension between married household and kids you love may not be easy to reconcile.

If they're 50/50 split between their parents, why is he paying anything? Does she pay when they're not with her?

Thanks teddy bear. At 17 they are very happy with their relationship with their father. They’re not about to go NC! They say regularly they want to live with us full time. I can’t be doing that bad a job at being a step mum.

@wharamistakewhatamistake

£6,000 a year for two teenagers is hardly enough to cover all their expenses. I have more than two children and I spend allot more on them per year.

Your husband chose to have children with his ex-wife and should take responsibility for his actions, and should be paying for the cost of his children regardless of the fact you're married to him.

I'm quite shocked that you think your husband should be paying less than £500 a month for his kids. That's £250 a month per teen. I pay that amount per week on groceries.

Thanks Anne. Great advice.

If it's a 50-50 split why is he paying anything? The ex sounds to be on a real gravy train when they're not there half of the time.

@bellaellie what you’re failing to understand is that you’re only quoting what he pays. She should be contributing the same!

There's less than 12 months til they are both 18. Why rock the boat now?

I said cheap option because that's what the OP has said repeatedly. That divorce would be more expensive. Is that not true now?

@bellaellie
You spend £250 pw on groceries? My how the other half live!
You spend some people's entire wage on food, is there 10 people in your house?
I think you miss the point here, the DC spend their time 50/50 with parents, does their mum contribute when they are at their dad? No she doesn't and she'll receive the CB, OP is significantly worse off.

But the Father also has the same costs as he has them half of the time. I think your comments are fair for a EOW arrangement but no 50:50 the CSA usually say 20 percent which is about 400 max.

500 for another 7 years sounds like he was shafted badly in the divorce settlement. This isn't common these days. Spousal maintenance that is. There must be more to it?

Aah I see you need to carry on paying until they are 24. That does seem crazy.

Why not move out OP and get your own place?

@bookworm4

There are 5 people in this house, two adults, two teens, one tween and one toddler.