To resent spending my money on my step kids

[Whatamistakewhatamistake]

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

Be resentful all you like but you married this man and go along with the arrangements. You can of course stop going along with the arrangements but that would mean you’d have to talk to your H about it, far easier to bitch about the Ex.

You say they don't need you to love them as they are loved by their parents. Horrible!

Even if you are right that OP should share her partner’s responsibilities, that is not the same as loving them. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for them or support him and them. You do not automatically develop feelings for a child as if they’re your own just because you’re with their father. The same as some of us do not love our in laws and some do depending on our relationship with them, how long we’ve known them etc.

I do get that just should be kept in mind often the feelings will turn out to be mutual. Step mother though never cruel did not treat me or grandmother as anything more then cordial guest or housemate so since death of DF neither of us have treated her as family or kept in touch. Affections are a two way street

Affections are a two way street

I absolutely agree with this. Too often all the responsibility is on the step parent. While this makes sense when the child is young, as they become teenagers and get even older, it sometimes seems people think the SC should behave however they like towards the SM and she is supposed to just take it “because she knew he had kids”.

He’d have paid double to get divorced from her.

And now he has you working a high stress job subsidising his lifestyle which includes taking his nearly adult twins for fully funded days out, while you run out of money by the end of the month?

Why is it his ex's smug face you would like to slap, unless you secretly feel she has done well to get rid of him?

You are being taken for a mug. What are you going to do, other than focus your resentment in the person you can do least to influence?

What does he say about your subsidy ?

To make things financially easier, the kids could get jobs and pay for some of their own expenses.

Regarding expensive days out, just stop going out with them on expensive treats.
Many families don't do this or do it very rarely. There are lots of free or cheap ways to enjoy spending time together: walks, cooking together, movie nights, board games nights etc and for trips out there are always Tesco clubcard deals and the like.

You can spend the saved money on going on date nights with DH when the kids are at their mums house, or use it to reduce your hours at work.

Are the children planning on going to Uni? What happens to your finances then?

I don't think you should be paying hard towards their cinema trips etc. However I'm not sure how you will broach this with your DH given you've been with him seven years. He's taking the piss out of you and she's taking the piss out of him!

All my DCs got jobs at 16. This paid for those trendy trainers, cinema, sitting in McDs with friends for hours. I do hope the twins have been working for the last year.

No matter what is the right thing to do..you need to think about what it means to you to be in a step family unit. This can easily be university and wedding funds, inheritance, property and car deposits. Where you going to draw the line? I think you need to have it hashed out with your partner and get an alignment.

It's OK for you to walk away. I did and said no to someone lovely with 4 kids as I had my own children and I just couldn't live with the inequality on children's living standards and the squabbling that ensued.

you need to think about what it means to you to be in a step family unit. This can easily be university and wedding funds, inheritance, property and car deposits. Where you going to draw the line? I think you need to have it hashed out with your partner and get an alignment

Totally agree with this. And would have thought it is the type of thing you thought about/discussed/agreed BEFORE you married a man with children. What you do/do not pay for is between you and your DH, but between the two of you there needs to be some agreement of what will and will not be paid for out of combined finances. That could be 0% from you, but that does (presumably) mean less from your DH in the combined household pot so I would assume has an impact on you anyway.

If you want the resentment to stop, you need to speak to your DH about how you feel and come to a mutually agreed decision.

Is it a Consent Order or a Court Order?
If it is the former your dp would have agreed to the amount and it's term. If its a Court Order both of their finances would have been taken in to consideration and the Judge would base his decision of how much cm and sm be paid according to your dp earnings and what he could afford whilst having enough to cover his living costs for himself.
Read the wording on the Order it will tell you how long it is to run for.
It sounds as if it may possibly be a Global Maintenance Order.
Having been through this myself I cannot understand why you say cm is to be paid until both children reach the age of 24 years??
It ends when they reach the age of 18 years or sooner I believe if they leave full time education.
Does the wording say anything about her cohabiting or remarriage?
He could apply for a variation, but there are risks as payments could increase as well as go down.
Once she looses all her benefits be mindful that she may seek an increase in sm.

@Erignon If you are 50/50 AND share all costs equally then that is fine. However, there is provision to make a maintenance order if the ex doesn't may half of the children's costs. In my case I pay a lot extra to be within school catchment area. He had refused to buy uniform or school shoes or PE kids, or club outfits and fees. I also see BOTH sides of the kids family and the associated costs of birthdays and Xmas. I also do all dental and optition and doctors app etc. So the CMS calculated a maintenance on the basis that we have equal nights, but i do more care

I can see where you're coming from. If he wasn't paying the £500 to their mother then you wouldn't resent it. Or if he didn't have them 50% of the time you wouldn't resent it either as you wouldn't be spending so much on them.

So YANBU to feel resentment but what are you going to do about it?