To resent spending my money on my step kids

[Whatamistakewhatamistake]

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

Is he paying child maintenance or is he paying his divorce settlement under a court order from his divorce?

OP I actually think this is an issue with your partner - he takes you for granted and expects you to pay half

I don't think you're being unreasonable. They're not your kids, and yes, teenagers are hard work (and v v expensive).

Not sure why you thought you'd get a hard time here, in general MN is very hard on women who reproduce with men who have older, existing children and then expect them to forsake them to benefit the new ones.

This is a different kettle of fish and I don't think you should be on the hook for the stepkids, unless that's what you want.

Teenagers are hard enough to love when they're your own flesh and blood, let alone someone else's.

I think you are insane to pay for half. They are not your financial responsibility - they are your DPs. I wouldn't stump up for half of anything that involves their needs ie food, trips out. That's his alone.

And being honest, you've been a bit of a mug to go along with it for 7 years. My honest answer is to walk away. I've got 3 adult DDs and if anything, they are more of a financial drain than when they were young. Weddings. Moving house. Car finance. Guarantoring things. It doesn't magically stop at 18, trust me.

I don’t think you’re being UR necessarily but I would jump straight out of a relationship if my kids were resented by my partner. We’re a blended family under one roof and it would have been fucking miserable if one of us saw any of the kids as any less than our own, let alone resenting them!

The payment he makes is one payment a month which includes child maintenance and spousal combined.
Can this still be reviewed after 12 months? It was the consent / court order.

Just stop going out so much then, I have a teenager & can’t remember the last time we went to the cinema or had a meal out (unless it was Tesco vouchers or similar) .. if it is too expensive then make it clear that either DH takes and pays for them or you all stay at home & watch a film on tv & have pizzas from the local supermarket.

And yes, you have been a mug to put up with it, but surely you know this when you get involved with someone with children. . I am glad that my step father never seemed to resent spending his money on me and including me in family outings.

But they’re not my own? How can I feel that they are? If they’d been babies when I met their dad then the bond may be stronger but they were old enough to know their own minds. They have a mum and dad who love them very much, they don’t need me to love them.

Will reviewing it help though as wont he still expect it to be a 50/50 split which is what your issue really is

It's fair enough that OP resents her situation as the current financial arrangements mean that she's doing a tough job full time and isn't able to reduce her pressure or hours in a different job because she runs out of money before the end of the month.

Meanwhile, the children's mother works 20 hours a week, receives maintenance payments and has a partner (who presumably also has an income).

I'd bloody well resent that. It's your husband that you should be resenting, as it sounds like you're always second best to him, yet he expects you to subsidise his family.

Either parent can go through the CMS a year after divorce. It isn't true that a 50:50 order is always a zero payment

Yes it is. Just been through it. If you have 50/50 care (that's the split of nights) and you have a court order to that effect. or it was written into your divorce Arrangements for Children, then nothing is payable from one parent to to the other for children.

If you don't have a court order, or it isn't written into your divorce Arrangements for Children, then one parent can lie with impunity and it's up to the other to prove otherwise, which means getting a court order.

All that said, my DP has children. I support them when they are with us, as if they were mine. But DP does not pay anything to the other parent. I agree OP, if I'd known and all that. But it is what it is. They are kids, and even though they aren't mine, they deserve the best we can give them. If it costs me, so be it.

You don't have to bring them to the cinema/meals out...as you say it's very expensive Regardless of whose kids they are. £100 days out here would be once or twice a year.

You can reduce your hours as long as you can still support yourself.

16s and over can get part-time jobs.

Others mentioned paying for weddings etc...again you don't have to.

People can put themselves through college and be the better for it - work for a year before hand, part-time work etc.

I would prioritise my pension over cinema trips...how about movie nights at home?

I’m sorry but I really think you are being unreasonable. These children live with you for half of their time, you’ve been with them for 7 years, they are part of your family.
I don’t have step children, but I was one. My step mum never made me and my brother feel anything other than part of her family, and I’d have been really upset if she talked about us like this, you sound like you really resent the children.
I know you said not to say “you know he had kids when you met him”, but it is true. Those children are part of him and you either have to take the full package or none of it. Yes your husband probably needs to re-evaluate how much he is paying if he is also buying half their clothes, clubs, food, etc. But, things like trips to the cinema and days out are part of being a family, so it seems unrealistic to ringfence “your” money away from that.

Jeez I wouldn't be happy with this. You sound like a kind and generous person, and went along with this in good faith. But really it's not actually fair. I personally would be questioning the relationship and where I stood in all this. Next step then is to talk to your DH...

How old are they?

Days out then running out of money before the end of the month is not reasonable. Cut your cloth and all that.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Just tell him for events with the kids,you wish to pay a quarter. No point silently seething.

And this means he can't do whatever, then he needs to have the settlement re opened.

You keep mentioning the ex when the issue is, you need to talk to your H and come to an arrangement re finances. I see nothing wrong with him giving his childrens' mother £500 monthly. Your concern is what happens in your household.

He pays towards their support but may like treating them too. They are his children, be prepared for him to think you sound mean. He may see your money as part of family money. & You are, after all, a family.

He may be ok with the money arrangement re his ex wife too. From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's complaining.

I would not pay towards his children unless I could well afford it. However I would directly explain why

Why shouldn’t I have the odd day out when I work long full time hours and only run out of money because I’m paying 50% of everything.

They are twins, age 17. Therefore the argument that mum would stop contact doesn’t really come into it, they’d just come anyway.

They aren’t your children and they don’t need you to love them, but they do live with you and therefore they don’t deserve you begrudging them and not thinking of them as part of your family.

TBH his ex probably works p/t because she probably gets child tax credits. If she worked f/t the tax credits would go and she would be no better off financially.

And don’t blame the ex. You need to have a discussion with your DH about the situation. The issue is he is expecting you to subsidise him - and a regular family cannot afford to go to pizza express and the movies every weekend; it’s madness. Get a pizza in from Tesco’s and watch a dvd at home, like most other families have to do. Pictures and a meal out is very much a treat once every three months for us.

just say no youre not paying half the meal you'll pay for your own-and look into the maintenance side of it

Then they’re more than old enough to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees and that they can’t expect expensive treats and outings all the time they’re with you and your DH.
You’re sacrificing your pension for pizza and the pictures - it’s simply not sustainable or sensible.
You need to speak to DH about long term finances - you’ll need a pension in the future and the current level of spending has got to stop.

There are cheaper ways to spend time together and have a good time - like another poster said, DIY pizzas and a film together at home can make memories just as good (if not better?) as ones costing £100.
If they want new trainers, then fine, maybe a contribution towards them (enough to buy a basic pair) but if they’re wanting the latest trends costing £120, then they’ll have to find the rest of the money or save birthday money etc.
Once you and DH have got a battle plan, communicate the relevant parts to the DSS’s, that they’ll have to start earning their own money for the things they ‘want’ (above and beyond what they need) and/or asking mum to match the contributions from DH.
They’re nearly adults, and the financial responsibility of SC doesn’t stop at 18 - but they’ll thank you in the long run if you take steps now to help them develop skills and a mind set to be less financially dependent on parents.

Is it maintenance for the children or payment to the ex wife as part of the divorce settlement?