To resent spending my money on my step kids

[Whatamistakewhatamistake]

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

I’m just wondering how often they are taken out. We had two trips out over Easter hols with two teens and yep it was about £100 each day.

My teen DS does hang out in his room quite a lot, it’s what they do.

Sympathies - we were FOUL to our stepfather (who came into our lives when I was 11 or 12 and married mum when I was 18). We couldn't stand him (robbing mum away from us, tensions with our dad etc). It's tough for the kids too - they have no choice in the situation, so my only advice would be to have some empathy for them and that may transform them into nicer teens to have around.

I think people are really struggling with the maths here- if £6000 p/a is right, that means it costs £24,000 p/a in total.
50% of time with mother, father pays £6000 so mum should be paying the same, so another £6000
50% of the time with father, so father pays for THE SAME amount of food, housing costs, clothes, activities as mother, so another £6000 from him. However the mother isn't paying HIM £6000 for his half of the time, so OP is instead subsidising the mothers costs- again, £6000 p/a.

That's £24,000 total. the mother should be paying £12,000 of that with a 50/50 split, instead she is paying £6000.

You say they don't need you to love them as they are loved by their parents. Horrible! Does your husband know you think that? If my partner felt that way towards my kids, I would leave.
You have a partnership with a man who has responsibilities. They are not your responsibilities but you do need to support him in fulfilling his. If he's taking advantage of you financially then your issue is with him so address it with him. If he's using your income to pay his share and not appreciating it or you then he's being selfish.
You attitude towards the ex partner is shameful - she may appear smug but she also was once in partnership with your partner and chose to have children with him. Maybe she's just smug that you are stuck with the selfish man now and not her.
Don't direct your frustrations at the ex and the children. Focus on your partnership with your partner and outline what is fair. His pre-existing divorce arrangements are too bad and, if it's still a huge issues for you 7 years down the line, address it with him or walk away.
Stop being a martyr to him and a bitch to the ex (she's the children's mother, they will sense it and lose respect for you)

@happier
Why is OP expected to love them? They aren't her DC, just because she's married their dad doesn't mean she automatically loves the DC, that ludicrous.
@mythreeknights
Your stepdad 'robbed your mum away' would you have being saying that about your dad if they stayed married? Being in a relationship doesn't steal your parent away, what a selfish attitude, should all mums be single?

The ex and amount of spousal maintenance/cm is a red herring as far as I'm concerned, that is an agreement he entered into and does not seem to have contested it. The real issue is the OP's dh expecting her to pay half when he knows you aren't happy to do so. Both he and his ex are piss takers and you are the loser OP.

I'm hollow laughing at posters saying they'll be independent at 18. If they go to uni OP you'll be on the bones of your arse. Either make it clear to your 'd'h that you cannot afford to pay or else leave.

Why aren't these 17-year olds working? All my nieces and nephews have had p/t jobs by that age.

And if the XW is living with her new partner, surely spousal maintenance should stop? And I'm mystified as to why the CM/SM lasts until they reach 24. They could be married with their own families by then!

YANBU, OP, not at all.

bookworm4, are you a stepmum or stepdad being a bit defensive?
My point was that it's tough being a step parent as the children involved tend to be pretty mixed up about the situation and it isn't easy for them. The 'robbing' comment was pretty apt description as turns out my stepdad was a bit of a narcissist and built barriers between mum and us. You know nothing about anyone's situation, so wind up the judging please.

@threeknights
If you don't want anyone to comment why are you on a public forum?
I'm not a step parent but it wouldn't be easy kids just automatically hating you. Your experience isn't everyone's. The OP has known these DC 7 y ars and seems to have gave them a nice life, I doubt they resent her.

The amount is irrelevant.

The point is that the DH cannot afford to pay it and still afford to maintain the children whilst they are with him. Hence the expectation that OP will make up the difference.

OP - what are the rest of your joint finances like?

You are being taken advantage of here and your ire is directed at the wrong person/people.

I know someone who worked 2 jobs & paid for a household with step children. Over the years, they felt under appreciated. When the step children were older, they didn't work. The relationship ended.

OP you have my sympathies. First of all seek legal advice about the payments he makes. Secondly work out what you should be paying for the bills, not half of the bills but what they would be if it was just you and your DH, then pay that. Tell your DH you can only afford to pay for yourself at outings, and do that.

That should leave you with some money to be able to reduce your hours. I don't think you should put yourself in a position were you are supporting someone else's childrens at your detriment as you said they have parents that are able to support them. Good luck, I'm not surprised your resentful because I would be in the same position.

You say they don't need you to love them as they are loved by their parents. Horrible!

Can we please stop this expectation of step parents having to love SC like their own. It's the kind of thing that makes perfectly good step parents feel like they are doing something wrong.

I like my SC a lot. I don't love them like my own children though because they aren't. It doesn't make me horrible. I'm actually incredibly kind to and thoughtful of them and they are treated fairly.

@CheeseIsEverything yes but OP is outright saying they don't need her love making it sound she is indifferent to them, does not see them as family or feel any affection

If that was the case moonchild surely there'd be no post in the first place because OP would have already refused to contribute anything towards her DSC so there'd be no issue or resentment.

I think it's wrong to suggest that a stepparent should love a child like their own - I think it minimises the strength of love that a biological parent feels for their DC to suggest that parental love can and should be replicated in every case by a step parent.

(Btw adoption is not the same because you are their parent in every other sense, you live with the child all the time and don't have to defer to a biological parent when making decisions)

Also to clarify that I'm not saying stepparents can't love a child like their own, of course if they have a good relationship then it can happen. But that unconditional love simply won't be there if from the start there's a clash of personalities or whatever.

*They say regularly they want to live with us full time. I can’t be doing that bad a job at being a step mum

I don't think what OP said makes it sound like she shows them utter indifference at all.

I also don't think they'd be saying they wanted to live with them if she did.

It's perfectly ok to not love SC especially when you don't meet them until later on like OP has said already.

I just feel her saying that and the fact that she recents having to contribute for them on family days out suggests it could be a not very affectionate relationship and that she does not view them as family of any sort

@CheeseIsEverything maybe it's the father that makes them want to stay and that they love him

My dcs are 50/50 , I'd be laughed out of town if I asked for Maintenance from exdh .

I have to work a full time job to support my dcs , that's just how it is .

We split childcare costs as we work the same hours , school uniform , winter coats and school trips and that is it . I buy what I buy and he buys what he buys .

My sdcs are teenagers , the ex gets a healthy weekly maintenance , kids phone bills , bus passes are paid by us , anything they want seems to be met with ask your dad so several times a week we get the "can you transfer £30 over please I want xxxx"

all our money Is In one pot so it's my hard earned money paying for their social life whilst I have to save up for a hair cut .

But I have a DH problem not an ex wife and step kids problem . He doesn't try to rein them in so it's now become expected .

Swings and roundabouts though , my dcs will grow up At the same time the sdcs will have reached adulthood and his share of the pot will be used to fund their phone bills and driving lessons etc so it will even its self out eventually.

I appreciate this won't be an option for you as you don't have dcs of your own so I can see where the resentment is creeping in .

My dh is very good at making sure the kids know it not just him paying for them and they are to thank me too which really does sugar the pill for me , does your dh acknowledge this with your sdcs ?

Recently I did something (willingly and happily I will add ) for one of the sdc that neither parent could have arranged or afforded without my input . I got a thank you text from the ex wife too .. whilst it shocked me as she usually ignores my exsistance ,sometimes that's all that is needed , a bit of appreciation and acknowledgment for the resentment to go away .

Talk about grasping at straws! You really think they'd want to move into a house where their step parent openly resents them regardless of how lovely their dad was?

The OP is already contributing to the household in which her DSCs spend 50% of their time ergo she is already financially contributing towards them (otherwise she and her DH could be living in a smaller, cheaper to run house and OP would have more cash). What she is resenting is making up the shortfall in her DH's disposable income by contributing half to family activities because her DH is overpayig on child maintenance it would seem. I defy anyone not to feel pissed off if it was causing them to go short themselves.

^ That was in response to moonchild

Jesus why cant people read!

Its partly spousal maintenance for crying out loud....thats her divorce settlement of which we know nothing here. All incomings and outgoings would have been looked at and a judge decided thats what he owes her as part of the divorce.

Nothing to do with the kids!

Its like cancel the cheque all over again

The £500 payment to the ex is an whole other problem that really needs looking at .

I was just talking about the general day to day parenting and costs of sdcs .

@moonchild
You don't just automatically love your partners child, you love him and hopefully build a bond and affection with the child but it's not a failure on the step parents side if they don't love them, not all children are lovable or even likeable.
Please stop trying to vilify step parents who aren't besotted with someone else's DC.