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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent spending my money on my step kids

263 replies

Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:06

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 02/05/2019 19:38

It sounds like yanbu. You shouldn't be subsidizing his decision not to get a fairer amount of child maintenance sorted.

If the amount you were talking was say less than £50pm then I'd say you were mean but half of everything is clear £100s which isn't acceptable. You say that you don't begrudge eating out but I know how much a meal at day Pizza Express is and if they go for 3 courses, it's £££

justasking111 · 02/05/2019 19:38

Ok two questions.

  1. Does the ex wife have a job.
  1. Does the ex wife have a new partner
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/05/2019 19:39

Would it work if you pooled resources for family trips etc too - so a bit more in the joint account? I can't imagine taking my kids out with my partner, then looking at him for half the money when the bill came, that's just bonkers.

Do you split bills like that when it's just the two of you?

Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:41

Exactly, a trip to the flicks plus a pizza express is easily £100 for the four of us. Obviously I’ll pay my share I’m not expecting him to pay for me.

Having said that, he never thinks I’ll make for whatamistake tonight as a treat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:42

Yes she has a 20 hours a week job. Perhaps I’m jealous as I’d Iove to work less hours.
Yes she also has a new partner.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 02/05/2019 19:46

Think it's time he reviews the finances with his ex. Why are you buying clothes when she is getting £500 a month. That money is for his kids. That should cover what they need.
If it's 50/50 then time to review!

Chickychoccyegg · 02/05/2019 19:46

To be honest i dont think I'd stay in this situation, he doesn't ever treat you, he expects you to pay half of everything for his 2 teens, hasn't bothered to question the amount he pays even though he cant afford it!

Wonkybanana · 02/05/2019 19:47

Unfortunately I sense that if they went to the CMS to revise the figure, their mother would use them as pawns and say the father couldn't see them.

OP what does your DH say when you bring the subject up? It sounds bad, but if he basically tells you to like it or lump it, I wouldn't actually blame you if you decided to lump it. You're working long hours in a stressful job just to feather someone else's nest.

sonjadog · 02/05/2019 19:48

What would happen if you just said no, I am not paying for your kids´ clothes and entertainment,?

MrsPworkingmummy · 02/05/2019 19:48

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from and feel the same. Two of DHs children lived with us, and we paid/pay a huge amount of monthly CMA for his younger child. We also have 2 children. Despite the older children being adults, I dread every phonecall as they're constantly hinting for money. I am hugely frustrated by their entitled approach and lack of fire/ambition. I too was completely independent at 18, and they expect so much more and in my opinion are lazy. We pay CMA and our own children NEVER have that level of money spent on them each month. I have stopped paying into my pension because of this and buy the children second hand clothing. If I'd known what things were going to be like, I would have advised my younger self to never get involved.

R2G · 02/05/2019 19:48

He needs to reassess his maintenance. It should be around 300 pounds on that salary. You can use the CMS calculator. The other 200 can be drawn in cash for your own household spending on the teens. He sounds like he feels a bit skint and looks to you but that's not right he needs to sort his payments out. He can actually register the case with csa and they will tell him what to pay.
Try not to be jealous of ex hours. I understand why you would be but she will be doing that for the children.
If you're resentful and unhappy you do have a right to change it. Maybe book a little spa break on your own or something to figure this out away from the house.

Namechangedzzz · 02/05/2019 19:49

Maybe a few times you could say I don't feel like the cinema, i will have a night in by myself tonight. See you later xx This is probably a cowardly way to deal with this but probably one I would take. DH expecting you to pay half is only part of the problem. The rest is how much goes to ex

RogueV · 02/05/2019 19:50

Wow YANBU!
How old are the kids?

Namechangedzzz · 02/05/2019 19:51

Also cinema is really expensive! If things are right don't go or could you look into annual tickets? Don't eat out, eat at home

Namechangedzzz · 02/05/2019 19:51

*tight not right

IDontMindAnythingWillDo · 02/05/2019 19:52

He shouldn’t be paying her anything if he has them 50:50.

LannieDuck · 02/05/2019 19:54

expects me to support him when they're with us

What happens if you say no?

aprarl · 02/05/2019 19:55

Is it really worth staying?

You sound so miserable and life is so short.

There's no way this is going to get fixed in a way you'd like. He's not likely to suddenly challenge her and if he does, his children will very likely take sides against you as the instigator of trouble.

acomingin · 02/05/2019 19:57

You need to have a serious talk with your DH and tell him the gravy train needs to stop.

Why is there always one idiot asking, "Were you the OW??" So tedious.

RandomMess · 02/05/2019 19:58

I'd be telling your DH that he needs to go to CMS and see what they recommend he should be paying. They are teens it's not like his ex can stop contact!

You need to discuss budgets and costs etc.

wLuytgNx · 02/05/2019 20:04

@Whatamistakewhatamistake - I could have typed your post! Took years of bickering for him to lower the payments to Ex because he paid well over the amount he should have been and we are 50/50. You can calculate it online!

Then all the trips out, meals, cinema, holidays, we payed equal 50/50 but I was always contributing towards his son. I coped well until my own son came along. If we go out for a meal now we still go 50/50 so basically he is paying for him and his son and I'm paying for me and my son.... so i might as well be single as I pay for me and my son all the time anyway!

When he can't afford to help me our son's clothes/shoes/birthday presents because he's already paid for teenage SS's clothes/shoes/presents even though he already pays her over the odds and he forgets he has 2 sons!

Anyway years later I'm resentful and I'm now in a quandry about what to do. I'm not happy.

I see all these posts about a blended family and SS and I try so hard. But when he isn't doing o/t or taking promotions and it's me working so hard to pay for his SS too.... nope it becomes an issue.

BarbarianMum · 02/05/2019 20:06

Well you did know he had kids. And you can still walk away.

supermommyof4 · 02/05/2019 20:07

I would work out what your dp should be paying..theres a calculator online. You just need to know his wages, how many children for and how many nights they spend with you and dp.
Pay her what she is legally entitled to..500 per month sounds way too much.

babbi · 02/05/2019 20:09

Money bring issued and expected Doesn’t stop at 18 ... moving on you’ll be paying for weddings , helping with house deposits etc .....
Done all of that .... we have split now ...
I don’t regret my larger than his and his ex wives contribution as I had the view that if I marry him I will share responsibility for the children ...( I earned way more than them ) ...

However as a PP said , I’d run a mile in the opposite direction if I could be my younger self again 🙄🙄

Not easy ... I do sympathise..

I would try to advise my dd against getting into a step parent situation... was way more challenging than I expected in so many ways

Abouttime1978 · 02/05/2019 20:10

You need to check if what he is paying is child maintenance or spousal maintenance.

I suspect it's spousal maintenance, which is different. Although can still be revisited.