To resent spending my money on my step kids

[Whatamistakewhatamistake]

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

That maintenance figure seems a lot given custody is 50:50. She may be pulling in child benefit and tax credits too. However, that wasn’t the OP’s question. To that, I’d say yanbu. It’s one thing to wholly accept and embrace your stepchildren, quite another to be taken for a mug.

If they're teenagers now then it won't be that long until they're financially responsible for themselves; the £500 a month to his Ex will stop too.

I don't think YABU to be bothered by it, I think a lot of people would be.

Court order is only valid for a year.... Stop the maintenance or reduce your share of the bills to 1/3

Not unreasonable but must make things quite tense at home as you resent having them around (ergo spending money on them).

I don’t know why a response would be different on whether I have my own kids or not. Please would you explain?

Well, if you had kids, the likelihood would be, that they would live with you, so it would be a swings and roundabouts situation where you both sort of funded each others kids.

However, if you don't, then I, like you, would be aggrieved if my disposable income was trickling away to support children, when their mother is getting a more than adequate dollop of cash.

Are you really struggling because of this extra expenditure? if so, you need to get your H to agree to go back to court regarding the overpayment of maintenance.
However please bear in mind that this may well cause distress to the kids and give the impression that you dislike or resent them. I think you have to ask yourself if the impact on your finances is severe enough to risk causing your DSC upset.

I earn enough to contribute towards them but I work in a tough role and would love to work less hours in an easier role. But as I usually run out Of money before month end financially it’s not an option yet. The ex must be killing herself laughing, you’re right.

You’re being petty about clothes utilities and foods it’s part of being a family unit and you decided to be when you got with you’re dh and moved in with him

I agree except about clothes. Who really expects to be buying their step child's clothes when they enter into a relationship with a guy with kids?

I pay half our utilities, food and bills etc. and don't bat an eyelid that some of it is being used by my step kids. I may even buy them the odd thing I think they'd like clothes wise, but I'd have something to say if OH asked me to or expected me to pay for half of their wardrobe all the time though!

I was expecting to say YABU. But that’s a lot when he has the kids 50/50 and isn’t on a massive salary

I would not be ok with this. You should not be paying anything towards his dc. They have 2 parents for that.

Your resentment is reasonable and to be expected. What are planning to do about it?

Simple, you don't pay anything, he pays when the dc are at yours.
I'd walk away from someone who expected me to pay for his kids.

50/50 custody and paying £500pm is a huge win for the exW, get this sorted asap.

If they are teens and old enough to understand, tell them their clothes should be coming out of the £500 a month that their father pays for them, plus the 160 a month their mother will be receiving in child benefit.

I didn’t know that court orders are only valid for 12 months, we’re well past that.

If you DO have kids (and I'm guessing from your response that you do), your DH is paying for them whilst they're with you. So it's fair for you to support his kids too.

Gosh, YANBU. If she pays for all clothes, needs, dinner money, school trips, big purchases, I can understand the maintenance payment concept. People say you pay nothing when you have 50:50 care, but then that leaves open negotiation and constant communication on the items previous mentioned. There is then hear, light, food and activities whilst in your care, but that doesn’t equate the entire expenses of a child.

You should not have to pay any expenses unless you wish to. They are not your children.

I don’t have my own kids.

I don’t think the costs are going to reduce, quite the opposite as they get older.

Being a novice to this at the outset I foolishly thought that when they reached 18 they’d be independent like I was. I now realise how stupid I was to think this.

I don't think it's good advice to say such a spiteful thing directly to the children. Take it up with their dad and organise separate finances but you will probably then be resentful he has no money left to do what you want because he is paying for his children. If it's got so bad you resent them eating your food maybe it's a bigger issue than you think and you should reconsider the relationship.

@Whatamistakewhatamistake as long as it’s written in the consent order as part of the divorce after 12 months you can go to CSA and have it over ruled. Whatever figure they then give is what you should pay.
Google it 😊 consent order and child maintenance ..:
I’ve just copies and pasted this from one of the many links Child Maintenance – Normally the Child Support Agency has jurisdiction for Child Maintenance (The Child Support Agency has been replaced by Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission but the formulas are still the same). However, the Courts can make an Order for Child Maintenance by consent, but either party can apply to the CSA for an Assessment after 12 months.

The Government is seriously considering removing this facility because the CSA cannot cope with its workload, this should be kept in mind if you consider the option to revert to the CSA, or its replacement, in years to come useful. If so, do not include Child Support within your Consent Order.

Child Maintenance above a net income of £2,000.00 per week of the non resident parent is dealt with by the Courts

Your DH would have to pay £20 though to start a case with the CSA. The rest is very straight forward (experience)

I think if you resent paying for them yes YABVU

If you resent the money you are paying the ex to help her support her half YANBU

I always wonder how 50/50 residential really works in practise. I mean when there is a resident parent and the other parent has contact the resident parent tends to make most of the decisions regarding clubs like dancing, scouts, swimming judo ext. Also resident parent often buys most of clothes/uniforms ext. It can't be easy to split all of that 50/50. Do you have responsibility for taking to some clubs ext? Are big bills like school uniform, shoes, coats ext split down the middle? I can see how a week routine and a different weekend routine would likely work but do the kids have different bed times on school nights,different expectations about homework being done straight away, after tea ext?

Sorry you might think this is totally irrelevant to issue of cost of them but just wondered if you think 50/50 works well or if ideally you would prefer a different arrangement.

I don’t resent buying their food, four can almost eat as cheaply as two anyway. What I resent is paying is half of everything when they’re with us - whatever it is I pay half. Meal out, train tickets, cinema, etc.

Court order only lasts a year. As I learned to my cost, then tried to negotiate, then by the time I wised up had lost a very lot of maintenance. Just CMS it. It works both ways.

They’re with us one full week, handover on a Friday morning/after school.

I would love a different arrangement. If I sound resentful I probably am, teenagers are not easy and when they’re step children it’s pretty damn awful to be fair.

I totally get it, and agree why should you pay towards their trips, yes pay for yourself if you go but leave him to pay for the kids, the food, utilities will just get swallowed up anyway. Maybe if you refuse he will go back to cams and get the figure reduced. Unless you push him though he’s probably happy to stay as it is