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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming step parents as grandparents?

187 replies

Ellieisdancing · 02/05/2019 08:05

So just want advice from other people to see what their thoughts are or if they've had similar themselves.

So both my partners parents are separated and are now remarried to their new partners.

So my little girl is now 4 weeks old and I've had a few conversations with his Mom about naming her new husband Grandad. She feels that her new husband is going to have more of a part in our daughters life, as my father in law lives abroad and will rarely see her. So she's asked various times for us to call him Grandad (his name) to which we've both replied no, we would like him to be known as (his name) and for our daughter to decide who she wants him to be as she grows up. But she's now insisting that we give him a different name such as Papa then he feels he has more of a role in her life.

Now his Dad never asked, he just presumed his wife would become grandma (her name) and has continued to use this until she was born.

The problem me and partner both have with it, is that my parents are grandparents and both his Mom and Dad and if we start naming their other halves the same not only will our little girl get confused as to who is who. But both his parents will use this as a competitive gain to gain the effects of our daughter and to use it against each other. Between his parents it all becomes a bit of a competition. His Mom is using the fact that her husband lives nearer (and not the other side of the world) and keeps saying her husband will take our little girl out, show her how to ride a bike etc etc. Your father in law can't do that. Then my father in law just uses the excuse that he has quite a bit of money and will often flash that around to make himself better than the other. It's all playground tactics and we don't want our daughter being dragged into that.

So any advice?

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 02/05/2019 08:08

She won’t get confused, she’ll just have more than 4 grandparents! I think you’re over-thinking this, if they’re going to be in her life and play the role of grandparent, I really don’t see the issue.

littlepurplesunset · 02/05/2019 08:09

I would support the way his father is doing it by referring to his new partner as Grandma (her name). If you are okay with this one I would suggest it’s the same for his mother’s new partner. I believe referring to the new one as Grandad officially will be a bit rude and like the official grandad is being slightly replaced in a way only because he lives far away (out of choice or not)

Sirzy · 02/05/2019 08:10

Just think of it as how lucky she is to have so many loving grandparents!

If necessary it can be Grandad Bill and Grandma Jean or whatever if you think it will stop confusion

stepup123 · 02/05/2019 08:10

I really think you're overthinking this. I didn't have any step parents in my life. I did have great grandparents though. So it would be grandma (first name) for the females and grandpa (first name) for the males. I was never confused.
Try not to worry about things that haven't happened yet re them being competitive. It's wasted energy. Things could pan out completely differently.

Teddybear45 · 02/05/2019 08:10

Your mil is probably right. To your daughter her husband will be grandad. Anyway I think you are overthinking it; my dn calls both my sil’s stepmum and mum granny as encouraged by sil who despises her stepmum, because it was the right thing to do by dn. Her stepmum adores dn and spoils him and due to her being closer dn is a lot closer to her than sil’s real mum.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/05/2019 08:11

My advice is to think about it from the child's perspective. I found it weird when my niece referred to my mum's husband as 'grandad' - he's only been on the scene for 10 mins! - but actually that's who he is to her Smile

Grandad when speaking to the person. Grandad Tom, Grandad Dave, Grandad George when talking about them. Seems to be common amongst everyone I know.

Treaclesweet · 02/05/2019 08:11

We have named stepparents on both sides as grandparents, although both of them have been in our lives a long time which I think makes a difference? I just see at as more people in my son's life to love him, create division where you don't need to. If it really bothers you who is a blood relative surely your daughter will know anyway from hearing your partner call them dad/whatever. Or you can tell her.

Buggeritimgettingup · 02/05/2019 08:12

You're totally over thinking it, courtesy of our mixed bag we have a granny X, granny y and grandma, a grandpa a, grandad b and grandad c. No ones confused

Applesbananaspears · 02/05/2019 08:13

Just let them call them grandma and grandpa or whatever. It’s really not a big deal. She won’t get at all confused, honestly, trust me, my kids have all sorts of random grandparents and great grandparents and it doesn’t confuse them at all.

hazell42 · 02/05/2019 08:13

A child can, and usually does, have more than one granddad.
usually, there is a suffix that differentiates them - their first name or last name added, or perhaps their distinguishing features, or the place they live, as in

Granddad Terry
Granddad Thomas
Granddad Teeth
Granddad Beach

They don't need to have a different name entirely, surely, We have a Granddad Wales and a Granddad Grumpy when we are talking about them. The kids call them both Granddad to their face.

Easy

ToTheLetter · 02/05/2019 08:14

My parents are separated. My dad has a new partner (they have been together for 8years), dd is 6, ds is 2 and both call her nanny. My mum is also called nanny, as is dp's mum, my nan and dp's nan!

Dp's parents are nanny and grandad from (place where they live), my nan and grandad are known as nanny (her name) and grandad (his name). My mum is nanny (name of company she works for) and my dad's partner is nanny (her name). Sounds more complicated that it is in reality.

MsSquiz · 02/05/2019 08:14

Surely they can all be granddad or grandma first name?

That's what my nephews and niece do, and they only have 4 grandparents. It's just grandma or granddad when talking to them, but when talking about them it's grandma Irene or grandma Lucy, granddad Jack or granddad Peter.

Your child won't get confused because they won't know any different.

DinkyTie · 02/05/2019 08:15

It's up too you. Personally, if it were my parents separated it would be Grandad Joe and Mary and Grandma Rose and Tom.

It's like a step parent wanting to be called mum/dad to me but I know MN disagrees as there are so many 'blended' families.

TillyTheTiger · 02/05/2019 08:15

Can't you just call them all different names? So, for example, she'll have a Gran and Grandad, a Grandma and Grandpa, and a Nanny and Papa? Then there's no confusion about who is who, and everyone gets included with a grandparenty name.

thelist · 02/05/2019 08:16

I’ve been your DD in this situation, my grandmother sounds like your MIL insisting her husband be called “grandpa”. My grandad found this insulting as he proposed his new partner be called “aunty pat” so felt that her husband should be “uncle Steve” (not real names) as a courtesy to him. Didn’t happen and we called him grandpa until we hated him as teenagers and just called him Steve.

However at one point I had four grandads (inc great grandparents) and was never confused. Kids find their own way of working it out, I mainly used surnames to differentiate them.

I think you should just shut this talk down, they’re all way over thinking it and using you to get to each other. Could you maybe use “uncle” or would your MIL find that insulting? It’s just a bit more familiar than only using his name. Or just say if they don’t all stop being so dramatic they’ll all be called their names to save problems.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 02/05/2019 08:16

Oh our kids have so many nana and grandads...she calls our parents second wives/husbands (who are actively involved in their lives only) nana and grandad and our grandparents who are obviously called nana and grandad are also called nana and grandad by our kids too
Actually I've never counted but now I have they have 5 nanas and 3 grandads

Damntheman · 02/05/2019 08:17

You're definitely overthinking it. The children will only be confused if you make it a confusing thing. They'll just be fortunate enough to have more than four grandparents! Lots of kids do, it's quite normal these days. When I was growing up I only had four grandparents but they each had suffixes anyway. Grandma J, Grandma P etc. It's fine.

Trebla · 02/05/2019 08:20

All our parents and step parents are grandparents in some form. Why differentiate?

We have grandad bob, nana rabbit, grandma, granddad, and grandpa.

Kids like to feel connected to people.

WokenUp · 02/05/2019 08:21

Overthinking a non issue Smile
Lucky little girl to have so many clambering to be her DGPs

TheTrollFairy · 02/05/2019 08:22

My DD calls her step grandad by grandad (her actual grandad is not in the scene). Her older cousins on the same side call him by his name and it doesn’t cause confusions so I would be surprised if your DD gets confused. It depends on how the actual grandparents feel in my opinion and seeing as they both wish their husband/wife to be known as a grandparent I can’t see they would get annoyed by their other having the same name.
It worked the same with me growing up. I called my step grandad by his name and my cousins called him grandad and we all knew who was who and the reasoning behind why we called them what they did. My actual grandad didn’t want the step one to be called grandad so my mum respected his wishes.

You need to do what’s right for you and for your family and I think everyone should ultimately respect your decision

Theworldisfullofgs · 02/05/2019 08:23

To be honest I think you are over thinking it as well.
My DC had four grandparents and one was a step. My dad was dead.
The step were grandad x etc. My children had lots of people to love them which they miss greatly now that all have them have died. In the great scheme of things what you call someone is small fry.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 08:24

You aren't a grandmother or grandfather by the virtue of your marital status to the child's actual birth grandparent.

You are only a grandparent by right of being parent to the parent of the child.

I had to say this repeatedly to my mother. several times It's not about disliking the step parent. It just isn't who they are. Why not call him "Aunty Petunia". I mean as long as we are making up titles. He can be AUnty Petunia. It makes just as much sense as Grandpa.

I don't even like my actual father, and I keep him away from my children, but the word has an actual meaning and I want my children to understand who he is to me, and in turn to them.

Just explain all that to your mother and let her know that it will make her husband feel bad if she keeps brining it up. My guess he doesn't actually care and this is about her wanting you to validate him as part of the family or like my mother, pretend my dad never existed.

QOD · 02/05/2019 08:25

My dd had nanna grandad, nanny grandad and grandad pub
She also has nanny and nanny pub

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 08:26

As for the people who say you are over thinking it, I bet most of them would lose their shit if their exes called their new wives "mum" to their children. I mean, why not, they should be lucky to have so many women clambering to be their mother.

missbattenburg · 02/05/2019 08:27

Like others, I'd just go with different names. At various points in my extended family step and grandparents are knowns as "nana, granny, grandma, Granny [name], Nana [surname], grandpa, grandad, grumpy, gramps. Everyone (inc children) seem comfortable with knowing who they all are.

As my mum always says "you cannot have too much love".