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AIBU?

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Original poster

Naming step parents as grandparents?

187 replies

Ellieisdancing · 02/05/2019 08:05

So just want advice from other people to see what their thoughts are or if they've had similar themselves.

So both my partners parents are separated and are now remarried to their new partners.

So my little girl is now 4 weeks old and I've had a few conversations with his Mom about naming her new husband Grandad. She feels that her new husband is going to have more of a part in our daughters life, as my father in law lives abroad and will rarely see her. So she's asked various times for us to call him Grandad (his name) to which we've both replied no, we would like him to be known as (his name) and for our daughter to decide who she wants him to be as she grows up. But she's now insisting that we give him a different name such as Papa then he feels he has more of a role in her life.

Now his Dad never asked, he just presumed his wife would become grandma (her name) and has continued to use this until she was born.

The problem me and partner both have with it, is that my parents are grandparents and both his Mom and Dad and if we start naming their other halves the same not only will our little girl get confused as to who is who. But both his parents will use this as a competitive gain to gain the effects of our daughter and to use it against each other. Between his parents it all becomes a bit of a competition. His Mom is using the fact that her husband lives nearer (and not the other side of the world) and keeps saying her husband will take our little girl out, show her how to ride a bike etc etc. Your father in law can't do that. Then my father in law just uses the excuse that he has quite a bit of money and will often flash that around to make himself better than the other. It's all playground tactics and we don't want our daughter being dragged into that.

So any advice?

OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 02/05/2019 08:47

My kids and nieces and nephews all have a mixed bag as most of the grandparents are divorced. They've got Nanna, pa, grandpa, granddad, nanny, ma, Nonna, nonno, Nonna (insert name), nonno (insert name). No one is confused and no one is offended. All the kids just have more grandparents to love them. You just have to find what works in your family.

ShabbyAbby · 02/05/2019 08:50

I know a few people (my DCs included) who have "extra" grandparents. My kids step grandad is much more involved than their biological granddad. I don't think the "step" matters.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 02/05/2019 08:50

I had ‘extra’ grandparents growing up. I was never confused. When I was very small I just accepted it, and assumed everyone had loads Grin As I got older and asked, it was just a case of “well grandma is your Daddy’s mummy. Grandad is his Daddy, and Gran is Grandad’s wife” easy as that. I was surrounded by love as child, I still feel very lucky.

My dh’s stepmum is Grandma to our little boy. She absolutely adores him, it just felt and still feels right.

Don’t overthink it, there can never be too many people to love a child.

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

CazM2012 · 02/05/2019 08:51

It won’t confuse them if they grow up with it, my DC have my mom (nanny) DH mom (nanny name) my dads partner (nanny name) and my Nan (nanny surname) they then also have my best friends mom (nanny name). The more people who love your child and are involved with them the better.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 02/05/2019 08:51

Both of my Grandads were called grandad. They were distinguished by 'nanny and grandad' versus 'granny and grandad'. We coped just fine.

Ratatatouille · 02/05/2019 08:53

Mine have got six grandmas and three grandads (2 x biological grandmothers, 1 x step grandmother, 3 x great grandmothers, 2 x biological grandfathers and 1 x step grandfather). We don't even have any nannies or grans to mix it up as everyone just wanted to be grandma or grandad. Kids are not confused at all, it's never once been a problem. They just call them all grandma or grandad when they are actually speaking to them, and if we want to differentiate when we are talking about them, it's grandma Norah/grandad Ron etc.

mum11970 · 02/05/2019 08:54

Kids do not get confused over this kind of thing. My grandkids have 6 grandparents with ill effects whatsoever.

Original poster
Ellieisdancing · 02/05/2019 08:54

Thank you for your advice. Funny you should say what else will they start dictating about cause my in laws are the kind people that will dictate their way through life. My partner has gotten used to this over the years, being pushed and pulled by them both. I've always ignored it before the little one, but since her arrival I don't want the same for her and this naming grandparents thing is one way of them arguing over her.

OP posts:
Chocolateandcarbs · 02/05/2019 08:54

My children have 6 grandparents they call by ‘granny’ type names. They love them all very much and all are involved. I’d feel weird about it if all grandparents weren’t involved.

mum11970 · 02/05/2019 08:55

Should say NO ill affects.

my2bundles · 02/05/2019 08:55

You are over thinking. Due to being part of a step family I had 3 grandma's which I called grandma and 3 grandads I called grandad . There was no confusion. My kids call my step dad grandad and theIreland other grandad grandad, again no confusion.

DeadDoorpost · 02/05/2019 08:59

I've got/had

5 Nanny s
3 Grandads
1 Nana

And not once have I got confused. That's not counting the Grandads that had died before I was born, but I still refer to them as Grandads obviously when talking about them.

DS and DD(when born) will have Nannys, a Nanna, a Grandma, and a Grandpa and Grandad.

Step parents are there for a long time (or forever in my experience) and so they all have the right to having a title. But then, I get on with all the step families, so it's easier. We let them each decide what they wanted to be called. They all chose different names, so we didn't differentiate, they did. Was by total coincidence.

I never called my step mum "mum" though. At the time it never felt right but now she's closer to me than my DM but force of habit and all that. We'd both find it strange if I started calling her mum now.

weekendninja · 02/05/2019 09:01

You're completely over thinking this. My DF was going to be 'grandad', turns out my youngest DS named him something different. That's fine.

Kids have one mum and dad. Grandparents are different in my eyes. Also, surely your DC would find it more confusing in the long run to have him just by his name?

Springisallaround · 02/05/2019 09:02

We have Grandpa/Granny and name X for their partners.

I slightly regret not calling my Dad's wife granny X from the start. But we use their names and so that's what we have stuck with. My mum's partner came along later in their lives so has always been known as his name. I don't think he's insulted though, they speak very affectionately of him.

QuizzlyBear · 02/05/2019 09:02

Your DD won't get confused, it will always have been the norm for her.

My DSs have 6 grandparents in total and have never been confused - there's a Nana, Nanny and Grandma and a Grandpa, Grandad and Poppa.

They're all different people with different names, your DD will be fine with it and if a step grandparent is more involved than a biological grandparent? More people to love her in your family. Lucky girl!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2019 09:02

I don’t think biology necessarily means everything and children are very accepting and able to work things out for themselves. Or can understand when explained in a child friendly manner when old enough. My dds stepgrandfather - until her was too poorly - paid far more attention to her than my fil. My father died when I was in my teens and my mother remarried. Obviously he wasn’t my father but he was her gramps.

ShadowHuntress · 02/05/2019 09:03

I had lots of grandmas and grandpas growing up. I come from a huge extended family who all live in the same village and are close. I grew up calling my grandparents brothers and sisters grandma and grandpa as well. We just called them Grandma Joan, or Grandpa Terry. My grandma was an identical twin, so we called her sister grandma no 2! Never got confused. You making a big issue where there isn’t one.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 02/05/2019 09:06

I agree with most posters. You are overthinking this. Your child will not be confused. This is the only family she knows and she will accept whatever evolves as entirely normal. Also don’t make the mistake of thinking her relationships with them will mirror your own, it’s a totally different dynamic and things could be very different. I was very close to my paternal granddad despite him and my mum having a difficult and conflicted relationship.

I was a stepchild and my stepdad was wonderful and eventually adopted me. His family never really accepted me and always treated me differently to ‘blood’ grandchildren. Your daughter is lucky that her step grandparents want to be involved in her life.

wobblebot · 02/05/2019 09:06

My son has various grandparents, my parents are separated, his bio dad are separated and my DH, his SD (who's parents are also grandparents) are separated. Then we have all of the great grandparents...

He LOVES it. It is a running joke, how many nannies can we fit in one car?!

ALadyofLetters · 02/05/2019 09:08

I had three sets of grandparents- a gran and grandad, grandma and grandad and nanna. It really isn’t an issue at all.

dirtystinkyrats · 02/05/2019 09:09

I can totally understand your concern about this just being something for the ex couple to fight over but from your child's point of view having lots of family around to take an interest is a good thing. However that only applies if all the 'step' grandparents are sticking around long term. Thats hard to judge but if they want to get involved and haven't just turned up on the scene then I would let them.

In terms of names I do agree children will eventually probably just go with what you say, and certainly won't know that their family set up isn't 'normal' - however there is a stage up until or beyond the age of about 5 where its quite possible they will just make up their own name for someone and stick with it. eg you want them to be called Grandad Steve and actually they get called Granda dog as Steve is the only one in the family with a child friendly dog. So I wouldn't get too fixed on names.

49andFruity · 02/05/2019 09:10

My dad isn't remarried but has a LTR. Her GC call him Grandad. It may not be confusing to them, but it sure is confusing to my DC.

I don't like this at all and IMO would prefer them to call him by his first name. There have been times when we are all together and they have actually bullied my DC because they dared to try and interact with my Dad, their Grandad because they see him as their GP and don't like sharing him. This has caused no end of problem with our relationship.

iolaus · 02/05/2019 09:11

My personal take is if they have been in that grandparent role from the start (even if they don't see them that often) I'd use it - but not if they came onto the scene when the kids were older

Same as Uncle/Aunt - I still think of my aunt's first husband as Uncle Firstname (saw him a few days ago at her funeral and called him that - they got divorced over 30 years ago), yet her second partner has always just been firstname (despite the fact they were together from when I was 5)

escapade1234 · 02/05/2019 09:12

I have a family member whose children have step-grandparents and they refuse to allow the step-grandparents to be known as Grandma/Grandad. They have to be first name only. Apparently it would be confusing. I don’t think so. Most children have more than one grandparent and are able to identify who’s who. I think it’s mean and usually done to make a point. You’re not part of our real family.

Birdie6 · 02/05/2019 09:13

You are seriously over-thinking this. My DH is "step grandad" to my grandchildren, and he is called Grandad R by all of them. None of them knows or cares about the fact that he isn't strictly, biologically, their grandfather. He is Grandad and they all love him. They have four grandads and four grandmothers - lots of people who love and care for them.

Don't make this into a big deal - kids don't care about the tiny details of relationships - they just know that people love them.