Naming step parents as grandparents?

[Ellieisdancing]

So just want advice from other people to see what their thoughts are or if they've had similar themselves.

So both my partners parents are separated and are now remarried to their new partners.

So my little girl is now 4 weeks old and I've had a few conversations with his Mom about naming her new husband Grandad. She feels that her new husband is going to have more of a part in our daughters life, as my father in law lives abroad and will rarely see her. So she's asked various times for us to call him Grandad (his name) to which we've both replied no, we would like him to be known as (his name) and for our daughter to decide who she wants him to be as she grows up. But she's now insisting that we give him a different name such as Papa then he feels he has more of a role in her life.

Now his Dad never asked, he just presumed his wife would become grandma (her name) and has continued to use this until she was born.

The problem me and partner both have with it, is that my parents are grandparents and both his Mom and Dad and if we start naming their other halves the same not only will our little girl get confused as to who is who. But both his parents will use this as a competitive gain to gain the effects of our daughter and to use it against each other. Between his parents it all becomes a bit of a competition. His Mom is using the fact that her husband lives nearer (and not the other side of the world) and keeps saying her husband will take our little girl out, show her how to ride a bike etc etc. Your father in law can't do that. Then my father in law just uses the excuse that he has quite a bit of money and will often flash that around to make himself better than the other. It's all playground tactics and we don't want our daughter being dragged into that.

So any advice?

My dh family is the same apart from his dads wife the others were all grandparents, she wanted to be auntie as was only young herself when we had ds1.
none of our kids ever got confused as they found their own names for them.
My dad was silly grandad as made them laugh, step fil was grandad and so was fil.

I don't think it's good to teach children that step parents or grandparents are the same as blood relations. However you aunt's husband is your uncle, so there is a precedent.
It should come from the child or parent, not pushy gp, especially if the actual gp is alive. Child should be taught who is actually related to them.
Also don't like parents friends called aunts, they're not.
My cousin's had gps who outlived ours and we called them granny and grandad rather than mister and Mrs, we knew perfectly well who they were, and if speaking to the cousins would say your granny.

i had six grandparents, all were nanny name and grandad name, its not confusing unless two of them have the same name

I have no biological Grandchildren but my step children have given me 2 beautiful Granddaughters & 1 gorgeous Grandson. Blood or not they are my Grandbabies & I love them immensely.

It just happened automatically that I was Grandma, there wasn't a discussion, I am engaged to be married to their biological Granddad & have been since before they were conceived. I would have been absolutely heartbroken if I couldn't have been Grandma or Nana as that is exactly what I would be raising them as, their Grandma alonside their Granddad. (It's actually the eldest (5yrs) that started the Grandma, always thought I'd be Nana :))

All 3 of them (they don't all belong to the same step child) have 8 Grandparents each & they have a a few Great Grandparents too. All biological parents of Mums & Dads have divorced & re married or have another partner so they have their biological Grandma & Granddads (x4) & step Grandma & Granddads (x4) as well as Great Grandparents & step Great Grandparents but to the kids we're all just Grandma/Nana & Granddad & that's how I believe it should be.

When I do eventually have biological Grandchildren they will call my soon to be Husband Granddad & if my Ex Husband has a partner I would expect they will be called Grandma too.

So much more love to go round xxx

I think she should call them gran/grandad. Different if they were just partners who hadn't been around long. Bit mean not to if they will be in her life and treat her like a grandchild.

My girl calls my FIL's partner gran. They've been together over 20 years and she is her gran in every sense. Loves her like a grandparent, dotes on her, babysits, etc.

I don't think it's good to teach children that step parents or grandparents are the same as blood relations. That's a dangerous precedent! We've seen on MN how much distress is caused when a woman is excluded from photos of her husband's family on the grounds that she's not really family.

Not RTFT but DH's dad had remarried. My mum was dead by the time the DC were born.

DH's mum, the surviving grandmother asked to be called Grandma. My dad wanted to be Grandpa. DH's dad was thrilled to be called Grandad. My mum had always said that she wanted to be known as Grandma FirstName, so that's what we did & still do. DH's step-mum was called nan by her own grandchildren and nanny by her great-grandchildren. We asked if she minded being called Grandma Herfirstname and her reply was "I'd be honoured". She was a lovely lady, straight-talking but always respectful of boundaries and always able to find something nice to say about the DC.

We kept the single names for the blood grandparents who were alive when the DC were born, and this worked well for us.

the thing is, he will have been around for her whole life, so to her he will be grandad, she wont know any different that he wasn't always in your husbands life etc.

its really not confusing, most people have more than one set of granparents (ie mums parents and dads parents) anyway, so what difference does one more make?

my step dad only came into my life when I was about 15, but to DS he is grandpa because to DS he's been around his whole life and been involved etc. I'm fine with this. My dad isn't on the scene, but dps parents are so DS has grandma and grandad (dps parents) and nanny and grandpa (my mum and step dad)

I suppose its up to you but it does seem like you're trying to exclude him a little.

also for the people comparing parents to grandparents, its totally different!

Both DP and I have separated parents that met their current partners when DP and I were adults so we do not class them as step-parents and likely never will. A step-parent to me is someone who raised you, I really can’t see myself ever calling my Mum’s partner of five years ‘step-dad’ however nice he is.

Our DC refer to them as their first names and that’s how it shall remain.

oh and further to that, my nan and great nan are still around so DS actually has

nanny
grandpa
grandma
granded
nanny xxx and nanny xxx

he is 3 and isn't confused. He refers to all my side as "all the nannies and grandpa"

My MIL and Father's partner are called Gran and Grandad.
So my DS has 4 Grans and 3 grandas.

This is more to do with the fact you’re not that crazy about your MIL than your daughter being confused I think. If you want to prove that you’re in the driving seat then go ahead and stop her husband being called Grandad, but at least be honest about it.

A step-parent to me is someone who raised you

I disagree with this, my step dad didn't raise me as he came into my life when i was 14 so I didn't need him to, but what he has provided for me as an adult has been so valuable. Not financially either, but emotionally, practically. He has done more for me in my teenage / adult life than my actual dad has ever done.

To me its not how long someones been around, whether you're biologically related, its what your relationship is like with them, what they do for you, what you do for them etc.

We have loads of sets of grandparents for my kids. Dad and new wife, mum and new husband, partners mum and dad, great nanny x 2, great grandparents x 2. She never gets confused as all the “grandads” have different names e.g grandpa grandad pops.

I see it as a thing of respect. My mums husband and my dads wife have both been in my life since I was 16 and I love them as much as I do my parents. I wouldn’t have thought twice about naming them nanny and grandad. My partner wholeheartedly agreed and even requested that we call them nanny and grandad.

I know I’m lucky to have such a good relationship with them all, but even my mum said that my step mum should also be nanny and wouldn’t be offended. We were open about the whole discussion from very early on in my pregnancy. I think Grandad and Sue would have been much more confusing.

I’ve never called my step mum, mum. And no one would ever expect me to, but I’d be ecstatic (and this is genuine) if my kids had a step mum in their lives in the future that cared about them as much as mine does for me. I feel like one of her own children.

However, this is your decision and what suits your family the best is ultimately the correct decision. Everyone should definitely respect it.

My and my husbands stepparents are considered our children's grandparents - and all have Grandparent names. Our parents have all be remarried for over 30years a piece and therefore have been in our lives and longer than our parents were together. I would never have even thought of not calling them my a grandparent type name.
If they were just seeing someone, that would be different. But for us the fact they are steparents doesn't make them any less grandparents for our children.

DS has 3 sets of 2 grandparents, and they all have unique names (i.e. Granny, Nanna, Grandma etc. which they all chose for themselves). He knows who they are, no problem.

I've always been of the opinion that the more people on Team DS, the better. I don't necessarily get along with some of the step-relatives myself, but it's not about me in this case.

We have a step parent too. So we call them all, nanny name, grandad name, grandma name. No big deal really.

You’re making too much of it .
My dd has 3 sets of grandparents as my parents remarried ,dh’s still together .
So she has 2 “nanny’s” my step mum she just calls by her name as she just always has and has 3 grandads so she just says “grandad bob”or “grandad Fred “for example

My grandpa was grandpa my whole life I don't think I found out he was my mums step dad until I was in my teens! Also a woman in my mums life who was like a mother to her was surname granny to us. Then I had my actual gran. Then my dad's mum was placename grandma. When/if we have children my stepdad will definitely be grandpa as that's what he is, although he has been married to my mum 10 years. Kids don't know anymore than this is another person who loves them as is special. Although if it's a revolving door of boyfriends/girlfriends for the parents I can understand why people might be hesitant.

I’m loving all these randomly shaped blended families!

(And respectful of those who have a less happy experience or feel it’s best to keep a distance by sticking to first names - families can be complicated)

I feel very relaxed about grandparent-level names and relationships - as long as they are kind and loving then kids won’t give a rats ass about the biology - familial relationships are created and sustained by how we interact, not how they came to be.

My mother died when my eldest was a toddler, and his most involved ‘grandparents’ aren’t related to us at all - they are the parents of my friend (who died in tragic circumstances the year I fell pregnant).

That said, in extended circumstances, where love and kindness are broadly equal, it’s probably easiest to give the bio relatives first dibs on nicknames.
Most step parents would accept this, as long as the explanation is given thoughtfully and respectfully.

My youngest has 4 parents (and I always describe it this way!) as her father and I have both remarried - I would probably feel slightly sad/jealous if she called both me and her step mum the exact same name, but a variant+plusfirst name or a made up nickname like ‘Samma’ (ie s from step + amma from mamma) feels ok - she lives with her step mum part time so to just call her by her first name forever seems inadequate. When my daughter fell seriously ill, her step mum flew home from a US holiday-with-her-girlfriends. She loves my daughter, and I love her because of it.

The 4 of us standing round my daughter’s PICU bed together (to the amazement of hospital staff) made it all the hard work of squashing down petty jealousies and learning to coparent successfully worthwhile.

Of course, much of what happens depends on how old the kid is when the new relationship is formed - my step daughter finds it funny to call me ‘Bum’ (Bonus-mUM) which is cute in the under 10s (IMO!) but not so cute if it originated from an angry teen!

I grew up with 4 sets of grandparents and it was just normal to me. Your child won’t be confused and I agree with others that it is lovely they will have so many people to love them as they grow

I would go for Grandma First Name. Grandpa First Name but know a few kids who use Grandma/Grandpa in their company and Grandma/Grandpa Surname to be more specific about which one they mean when not.

Thank you for your advice. Funny you should say what else will they start dictating about cause my in laws are the kind people that will dictate their way through life ... I don't want the same for her and this naming grandparents thing is one way of them arguing over her

Is this going to be your only response, Ellieisdancing?! Just ignoring all the other advice, eh?!

Mine had 9 / have 8 grandparents.
4 "full" grandparents, two step grandparents, and had 3 (now have 2) great grandparents.

We haven't got a naming convention. My parents are nanna and grandad, other "full" grandmother is grandma, the rest are grandad [name], Nanna [name], grandma [name].

Kids never confused or bothered in the slightest. They understand where everyone sits in the family tree etc.

It's very similar to how they've got on with the same sex couples we know, we wondered how they'd get their heads round it but they just never questioned it.

Me and their mum are split now. I don't think we'll introduce new partner parents as grandparents though. 8 is probs enough!

My lovely DF married 4 times so they were always just addressed by there first name .