Naming step parents as grandparents?

[Ellieisdancing]

So just want advice from other people to see what their thoughts are or if they've had similar themselves.

So both my partners parents are separated and are now remarried to their new partners.

So my little girl is now 4 weeks old and I've had a few conversations with his Mom about naming her new husband Grandad. She feels that her new husband is going to have more of a part in our daughters life, as my father in law lives abroad and will rarely see her. So she's asked various times for us to call him Grandad (his name) to which we've both replied no, we would like him to be known as (his name) and for our daughter to decide who she wants him to be as she grows up. But she's now insisting that we give him a different name such as Papa then he feels he has more of a role in her life.

Now his Dad never asked, he just presumed his wife would become grandma (her name) and has continued to use this until she was born.

The problem me and partner both have with it, is that my parents are grandparents and both his Mom and Dad and if we start naming their other halves the same not only will our little girl get confused as to who is who. But both his parents will use this as a competitive gain to gain the effects of our daughter and to use it against each other. Between his parents it all becomes a bit of a competition. His Mom is using the fact that her husband lives nearer (and not the other side of the world) and keeps saying her husband will take our little girl out, show her how to ride a bike etc etc. Your father in law can't do that. Then my father in law just uses the excuse that he has quite a bit of money and will often flash that around to make himself better than the other. It's all playground tactics and we don't want our daughter being dragged into that.

So any advice?

We do grandma, granddad and grampy. So far so good.

My DC have 6 grandparents due to remarriages. They are not confused by it. Step grandad in particular is absolutely a 'real' grandad to them as much as the others.

Don't overthink it and cause hurt feelings over it OP.

Also as someone who actually was the grandchild, and this probably did influence my thinking, my grandmother was a bit of a Liz Taylor so I had several granddads. And guess what, when they got divorced, I never heard form them again. Because they were actually NOT my grandfathers.

Same would likely happen here. Your grandfather/ grandmother is always your mother. The person married to your grandmother, is just a person married to yoru grandmother.

"A child can, and usually does, have more than one granddad.
usually, there is a suffix that differentiates them - their first name or last name added, or perhaps their distinguishing features, or the place they live, as in

Granddad Terry
Granddad Thomas
Granddad Teeth
Granddad Beach"

Exactly. You would need a way of differentiating even without step grandparents. No steps in my family, but I had 6 grandparents when I was born, 2 were great-grandparents, but were called the same as the others with where they lived added on.

Kids don't get confused.
My eldest had 4 grandparents and 2 Great grandparents. She had it nailed by 2.

Lucky little girl to have so many.

My children have 4 grandads. They just call them granda name. Theres no confusion. My stepdad is one of the grandads.

I grew up with a "step" grandad, my dads parents spit when he was 20 so years before I was born. I called him grandad, it didn't matter that he wasn't blood related, to me he was my grandad and played that role as such.

Unless there is a massive back story hereYABU and paranoid.

She wont be confused she will accept what you tell her.
If step grandad will be an important person in her life and would like to be known as Papa I would not object. It will become more delicate if biological grandad would be hurt but as he has assumed grandma for his wife it sounds like they are all thinking the same thing.

I'm with you in one way as a child really has only 4 'biological' grandparents and, in your case, they are all alive. They will always officially be grandparents, whether they divorce their partners or are alive or dead.

What happens if your DH's parents divorce again and subsequently remarry? Does your DC then suddenly have more grandparents? Do they wonder where Nanny (name) or Grandad (name) has gone?

I wouldn't object to the real grandparents being called Nanny (surname) and Grandad (surname) and the remarried grandparents partners having a special name like 'Pops'. that doesn't state they are a grandparent.

You are clearly uncomfortable with this though and I guess what you say should go. DH's parents are making it all about what they want whereas it is the relationship itself that is important.

Watch out for your DH's parents force-feeding names to your child though if this is so important to them.

What else will they start dictating the odds about?

My Grandad is my step grandad.

I’ve never called him anything other than grandad but purely because my real grandad buggered off when my mum was a baby. He raised her from when she was 4. So he in my eyes has earned the right to be called Grandad.

My mum goes between calling him Dad or his name depending on the situation, but I would say to his face she calls him Dad most of the time. The occasional name slips out though.

My DDs now call him Grandad too and I know it makes him so happy as him and my granny were unable to have children. He’s one of my heroes.

Everyone is different, I get funny looks sometimes when people hear he’s my step grandad. But honestly. I don’t care, he’s my grandad and that’s that.

Do whatever YOU feel comfortable with for now and then let your child pick up on the atmosphere and decide. Kids are pretty good at sensing what’s going on around them.

Kids learn about their family first, and don’t compare it to ‘the norm’ until much later. My uncle is gay, he and his partner lived together and were known as Uncle X and Uncle Y. It never occurred to me that this was out of the ordinary, as this was my normal.

There may be valid reasons for wanting a person to be or not to be called a certain thing, but your kids will just call people whatever you do, and won’t question it until they are old enough to have it explained.

My grandparents were both divorced and remarried and they were all known as Nanny (their name) and Grandad (their name). It wasn’t confusing at all. You’re way overthinking this.

All my parents, step and biological, have a grandma/grandad type name which my children use. They were all around before the babies were born so have always been part of my childrens life. The part they played in my life is irrelevant imo.

No one has taken offence and no parent has ever asked what the kids call the others.

You're over thinking this and letting your opinion of whether they're "proper grandparents" take priority over the relationship your daughter could have with them.

We have a;

Nanny, with Grandad Tom
Grannie, with Grandad Dick
Grandma Jane, with Grandad Harry

All three of my under 10s are fine with it and understand who is actually Mummy or Daddy's parents and who are step parents. It's not hard, they understand it, and they have years to get to grips with it without it mattering as to the kids they're all just people and the genetics don't matter

My ds has step grandparents from ex’s side and he loves them like grandparents and him like a grandson I don’t see the issue. He has extra people for grandparents. I would be deeply hurt if ds told me my dh wasn’t his child’s grandfather.

Our grandchildren have a blended family at various levels - the oldest lives with her dad but not her mum and sees her regularly but infrequently (one weekend a month and occasional days in holidays if her mum can be bothered) the other is the child of the current relationship.

DSS has no contact with his birth mother (she had parental responsibility removed by the courts more than 25 years ago and has never cared about or bothered to keep in touch with either of her DC.) and I’ve only been in the family life for the last 5 years since I met DH. There was also another step mother on the scene (I am 3rd DW) during DSS and DSD teens/early 20’s but there is no relationship between her and the DSC.

DSS’s partners parents are divorced and both have new partners/spouses. This means there are any number of people at the grandparent level and the general thing in the family for those involved in the DGC’s lives is granddad this and granny that - except for me and I went for a non English word for grandparent which suits me and is easy to pronounce (far easier than my actual name!!) for the children.

It's not at all comparable to a step parent being called mum or dad. Unless you are in a same sex relationship, if you are your child's mum then you are the only one. End of story. Kids don't have multiple mums and dads. Besides which, these are generally the core relationships in a child's life; their immediate family. It's nothing like grandparents where most kids have at least two grandmas and two grandads, and some are lucky enough to also have anything up to four great grandmas and four great grandads. It's just not the same at all. What a daft argument.

We have two step-grandparents and the kids call them grandma and grandad. They are just as much a feature in their lives as their partners, the "real" grandparents. My kids don't need to be pointedly made aware of family politics and I don't want adult jealousy or pride to affect them. Making your children refer to the step grandparents by their first names is not going to stop them forming a relationship. It's just a deliberate attempt to mark that person out as different, and it's done for the sake of the adults involved, not the children.

It's different if these are new partners or if the dynamic is such that the step grandparent will have little involvement. But in a blended family where the step grandparent is a long term feature of the family and is going to play a big role in the child's life, it just doesn't make sense to set them apart.

I'm also called Auntie Woke to my best friend's daughter. No, I'm not my BF sister but this is quite a common thing in our circle of friends it seems. And no there are no kids running around in confusion because of non-blood related aunties.

You can’t have enough family in my opinion, my Aunty has two step sons and their kids call her Granny. And her husbands ex wife’s husband is grandad too.

Those kids have so much love in their lives I think it’s a wonderful thing.

We have 6 names along the lines of:

• Granny Cupcakes
• Granny Spain
• Grandma Alice
• Grandpa Will
• Grandpa Paul
• Grandad

It’s no more confusing than a child keeping track of 6 or more aunties or uncles.

In my case it was many years ago but my parents are both re-married whilst my dh's are still together. His parents were Nan and Grandad. My mums side was Grandma and Grandad (his name) and my dads side was Grandad and Nanna (her name). It has honestly never been a problem.

I had six grandparents growing up as my DMs parents divorced and both remarried, the one I'm closest to? My gran, my mother's step mother, you're being a bit precious.

My little boy has 7! Our parents/step parent and my grandparents! He isn't confused? It's like multiple aunties and uncles, think it's normal nowadays :)

I would have thought that Grandad/Grandma(name) is fine.

That seems to be the least of your problems as far as the ILs are concerned!

It won't be that long before she is able to understand who her dad's parents are & that they have remarried.

Aunts & Uncles become so by marriage & no distinction is made-it only becomes apparent when you're old enough to understand which are your parents siblings & therefore who "married in".