Naming step parents as grandparents?

[Ellieisdancing]

So just want advice from other people to see what their thoughts are or if they've had similar themselves.

So both my partners parents are separated and are now remarried to their new partners.

So my little girl is now 4 weeks old and I've had a few conversations with his Mom about naming her new husband Grandad. She feels that her new husband is going to have more of a part in our daughters life, as my father in law lives abroad and will rarely see her. So she's asked various times for us to call him Grandad (his name) to which we've both replied no, we would like him to be known as (his name) and for our daughter to decide who she wants him to be as she grows up. But she's now insisting that we give him a different name such as Papa then he feels he has more of a role in her life.

Now his Dad never asked, he just presumed his wife would become grandma (her name) and has continued to use this until she was born.

The problem me and partner both have with it, is that my parents are grandparents and both his Mom and Dad and if we start naming their other halves the same not only will our little girl get confused as to who is who. But both his parents will use this as a competitive gain to gain the effects of our daughter and to use it against each other. Between his parents it all becomes a bit of a competition. His Mom is using the fact that her husband lives nearer (and not the other side of the world) and keeps saying her husband will take our little girl out, show her how to ride a bike etc etc. Your father in law can't do that. Then my father in law just uses the excuse that he has quite a bit of money and will often flash that around to make himself better than the other. It's all playground tactics and we don't want our daughter being dragged into that.

So any advice?

It's your decision, not there's. Or your child should just organically call them what they feel like calling them.

Just use a few different names. My DC has 6 grandparents. There's lots of names to choose from- nan, Grandma, Granny, gran, grandad, grandpa, grandpop, gramps, etc. Give them all a name.

My nan's husband was always Uncle Bob. Looking back it makes me feel a bit sad as it doesn't reflect the role he played in my life. He was my grandad. He was the one who took an active part in my growing up not my actual grandad. When my grandad died I felt a bit of sadness for a few hours but I didn't go to his funeral as it was too far away and was too much hassle. When Uncle Bob died I was devastated and I still miss him now almost 30 years on,

So I think YABU and your MIL is right.

Just thinking about it when my older kids were little they had
My mum
My grandmother
His Mum
His Grandmother (maternal)
His Grandmother (paternal)
His Greatgrandmother (paternal)

They didn't ever get confused

My dc has nana & granda (my mother and her husband), gran (dp dm), nana name & granda name (my gp), grandma name & granda name (step gp), great nana (dp nana), grandma name & grumps (family friends) it'll be natural to you dc. She may ask family dynamics when she's older but that would happen anyway. Eg why do you call nana mam?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say stick to your guns. You and your partner have made your minds up and have told your MIL ‘No’. That’s it - end of discussion. Go on any other thread about grandparents trying to dictate decisions you make as parents and you will be told ‘Nip this in the bud NOW’. This is no different.

It doesn’t matter how many people on this thread say ‘We have 32 grandparents; Granny Cakeshop, Granny Aberystwyth, Granny Not Quite With It, Granny Got Caught Shoplifting and Blamed the Menopause ad nauseum and the kids aren’t confused at all’. You’ve made a decision and you don’t need to justify it.

Many on this thread have made the point that children pick things up quickly and won’t get confused by who’s who. Surely by the same token your child will understand easily enough that Grandma lives with Bob, not Grandad.

Pick your favourite grandparent names for your mum and dad and let the others pick between what’s left?

Kid will get it (and probably invent a few weird nicknames along the way - we had a MeeMaw and an Arnie in our family.

I wouldn't worry too much about them getting confused.

DS also has a set of great grandparents that he sees quite often so he has three people he calls Nanny two he calls Grandad and then another form of Grandad. He just calls them that when with them and if discussing we will say 'Grandad John' for his GGDad. Just name them how you feel comfortable.

You're not looking at this from your child's point of view, OP. It won't be confusing for them.

Keep your child's perspective in mind. Your MIL is right about her husband playing a big part in your child's life because he is nearer.

Growing up my Grandmas husband who I called Grandad was the best Grandad ever, I preferred him to all my other grandparents and loved him so much more, he wasn’t a blood relative but he enhanced my life so much he was a Grandad in my eyes and I was his Granddaughter. If people are going to be a positive part in your child’s life who is it going to effect calling them ‘Nanna’ or ‘Granny’?

We just made our own minds up as to what we called all our step grandparents. You can't force children to call them something but you are really overthinking all this

Admittedly, my family are a little unusual in that I call my mum by her first name and have since I outgrew ‘mummy’ (this was at my parents’ request!). My dad died a few years back and in a way I’m glad I won’t have to make a choice about what my side of the grandparents are called, as my mum will be her name and her partner will be his name.

OP: AIBU?

MN: “YES!”

OP: “thank you, totally agreed with that one negative post that confirms my view”

👍🏻

We are happy for our DD to call my DM's husband Grandpa X, and my MIL's DP was Grandpa Y. Grandpa Y's daughter chose to have her children refer to my MIL as Auntie. Go with what you feel comfortable with It's lovely for DC to have GP figures in their lives

When my parents divorced I was 5 my older sister 12. My mother moved in with the man who became my stepdad straight away.

FFW many many years I have children and my sister has a dd. My children call my stepdad for grandad (Bedstefar - Danish version) and my niece calls him by his name. They all call my dad for Morfar (Danish version of maternal grandfather) & mine had Grandad here in the UK too.

When My 4 have children I want to be called Grandmama (in joke in this in our family) Dh has decided He wants to be Pops. I assume in laws will be some version of Grandad/Grandma or other stuff

I would consider what it is thats bothering you so much with this OP? You have mentioned they feel controlling however this is a couple who will be in the babies life and a couple who will love the baby I assume? In most other cases when asked about what to name grandparents here on MN it gets told that it is down to the grandparents to choose. So honestly I would pick something that you feel comfortable with and use that (Pops, papa, gramps, Steppie)

Going to leave you with a friends quote that just resounded with me on this.

PHOEBE: This is so great.

ROSS: You wanna explain that?

PHOEBE: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.

OP are you just going to ignore the fact that 98% of posters think you're overthinking things?

I actually felt very much like yourself but my DC taught me a bit of a lesson.

Every family is different and ultimately you need to do what works for you so I can only give my slightly different but related experience.

My marriage from which my two dc came ended...time goes on and I have a partner (not sure it's relevant but DP is the only other partner I will ever have as if the relationship ended I would not get into another one for the DC sake)

I insisted initially that all DP 's side wpuld be called by their names. Not by a moniker such as grandma or grampa.

I noticed over time that DC kept slipping because they (being wiser children than adults) couldn't and didn't want to see the distinction. My eldest in particular in his own way called me put on it and asked why dp's mother wasn't allowed to be his gran.

To cut a long story short we are Welsh so DP mum is now Nain,Exdh mother is nana and my parents are grandma and grampa. Effectively this ended up being the DC choice.

I wpuld just consider that from a child's point of view if an adult fits into a role such as grandparent they will want to define it as such. Honestly I learnt that getting hung up over " the rules" meant I was putting my own silly ideas above what my DC wanted.

Just my twopennorth really

My dc has three sets of grandparents when they were growing up. My Mum and Dad were still together so no problem there. My dp’s parents separated when he was small and both remarried. His stepfather wanted to be known by Grandad which was fine. His stepmother wanted to be known as Aunty Jane which was also fine. It caused no confusion at all, was just accepted by everyone and that was that.

Honestly why wouldnt you want her to call them granny or grandad? All she'll know is that lots of people love her. Your being unreasonable. My mum isn't married to her bf but is his grandsons nanny.

My husband had two grandma's and two grandpa's growing up, they followed the Grandma or Grandma with their last names ie Grandma Smith. Our children have two Grandma's so the one we see all the time is just Grandma, the other one is Grandma followed by her first name, ie Grandma Sally. My Mum's partner is only fairly new to the family and I don't consider him a grandparent so we address him only by his first name.

You're over complicating things, and it's all your daughter will ever know.

My sister's children have 4 sets of grandparents, as both sides split and remarried. There was also great-grandparents for a while, so 10 grandparents to name! They're each called different things, I think there's Grandad Name, Pops, Nanny Name, Nanny Upstairs etc. She'll probably choose her own descriptions for them, so she'll figure it out.

I’ve just become a step-nan and have been called nan and also just my first name. I honestly don’t mind whatever my stepdaughter and her daughter etc feel comfortable with.
I also had a stepdad for 40 odd years who recently died in tragic circumstances. My children called him by his first name but did feel like he was a grandad to him even tho they do have my dad and my fil too. In some ways I feel bad now I didn’t call him their grandad too.
My dad has a partner but I wouldn’t call her nan as she doesn’t have a real relationship with my children.
I think you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. As I said if I get called nan then great, but equally if I am Norma27 then that is fine too.

Sorry this will be long.
I don't see the problem if the step parents are married and not likely to be just a boyfriend/girlfriend or someone who wont be sticking around.
My husband has a very mixed family 3 dad's who all have partners and are married and his mum who switched from every Tom dick and Harry , she was with someone for a while and my kids called him grandad they weren't married and he left her so my kids lost a grandad , then she met someone else and then he was a grandad that didn't work out either. So me and my husband said the next time she has a partner then please could she not refer him as grandad to our DC as it isn't fair if they are going to keep walking out of their lives. So for this reason is the only reason I wasnt happy about it.
My DH other dad's who have married their partners don't want to be known as nana/grandma etc which I think is a shame as my dc they ask alot of questions about why they aren't there nana when my mum and my DH mum are called that so I have to explain etc as it's not my decision it is their choice it feels to me that they don't class them as family. I don't know if my dc will have this view when they are older.
It's easier in the long run to just accept that they are their grandparents even though not biologically. As your step parents are willing to accept being a grandparent I think it can only be good for your dc.

I have three grandmothers.

Two biological grandmas.

One granny who is the wife of my grandpa, and my mother's step mother.

Would it help if they didn't have the exact same title as the bio grandmothers?

I absolutely agree with pp who said grandparents are related through being the the child’s parents’ parents. Not by being married to them.
I would hate my grandchildren calling my ex gf nanny or any variation. Simply because she’s not. Call her great aunt Mabel? No why not? Because she’s not nor is she grandmother