Naming step parents as grandparents?

[Ellieisdancing]

So just want advice from other people to see what their thoughts are or if they've had similar themselves.

So both my partners parents are separated and are now remarried to their new partners.

So my little girl is now 4 weeks old and I've had a few conversations with his Mom about naming her new husband Grandad. She feels that her new husband is going to have more of a part in our daughters life, as my father in law lives abroad and will rarely see her. So she's asked various times for us to call him Grandad (his name) to which we've both replied no, we would like him to be known as (his name) and for our daughter to decide who she wants him to be as she grows up. But she's now insisting that we give him a different name such as Papa then he feels he has more of a role in her life.

Now his Dad never asked, he just presumed his wife would become grandma (her name) and has continued to use this until she was born.

The problem me and partner both have with it, is that my parents are grandparents and both his Mom and Dad and if we start naming their other halves the same not only will our little girl get confused as to who is who. But both his parents will use this as a competitive gain to gain the effects of our daughter and to use it against each other. Between his parents it all becomes a bit of a competition. His Mom is using the fact that her husband lives nearer (and not the other side of the world) and keeps saying her husband will take our little girl out, show her how to ride a bike etc etc. Your father in law can't do that. Then my father in law just uses the excuse that he has quite a bit of money and will often flash that around to make himself better than the other. It's all playground tactics and we don't want our daughter being dragged into that.

So any advice?

My stepparent would absolutely be thought of, treated as and named a grandparent because they are in my family!

In term of names

I hade various names in my family but on one side they were all the same so it becomes in conversation about the person
Granda smith
Granda jones
Granda pickle etc

But in conversation with them it was just granda, can I have some juice or granda, when are you coming to visit.

I had 6 granddads at one point and never got confused. My nieces have 5 and also never get confused.

OP are you just going to ignore the fact that 98% of posters think you're overthinking things?

I never understand posts like this. The OP is looking for views, not a legally binding verdict. If we’re talking ignoring things, 98% of posters seem to have ignored that the OP said her in-laws have form for point-scoring off one another and is worried this will extend to her child. Yet post after post has had a sugar-coated ‘how wonderful your child has all these extra people to love them!’ theme. Why haven’t people addressed the point-scoring?

I don't see a problem with the two step-parents being a gran/granddad as well.

If they were new partners or your child was older (suddenly telling a 5 year old that granny has a new bf and they have to call him granddad would be a bit odd) then I could understand hesitancy, but if they have been together for a while, are married and your child will go up with them then does it really matter?

Surely there will be point scoring if you only name one and an ongoing battle. Just give them all grandparent names and leave them to it. If you think there is a chance one is about to get divorced then perhaps hold off naming.

To be fair, it all a little pointless as your DD will just name them whatever she wants when she is older.

Your mil is probably right

Wash your mouth out, she's never right on MN!

I don't think the point scoring is really that relevant. Some grandparents - biological or step grandparents - are pains in the arse. I don't particularly gel with my MIL and Step FIL. They are...difficult, and mine and DH's relationship with them can be very strained at times. They just assumed that SFIL would be "grandad" and I suppose I could have got upset about this, seen it as them being pushy and dug my heels in, but I don't see any reason why he shouldn't be grandad. Any issues exist between the adults and it's not right to drag new children into that. I would never have used my child's relationship with them to prove a point.
Obviously it's different if you feel these are not people who will treat your child well, but in that instance I would expect that the more pressing issue would be how much (if any) contact to allow rather than which names to use.
OP's in laws might do a million other things that need to be pushed back against and addressed, I just don't personally think this is one of them.

The only question is are the 'step-grandparents' good people and will they love your DCs? If the answer is yes then why wouldn't you let them be GPs?

My DCs have 3 GP, 3 step-GPs, 2 great-GPs and 2 step-great-GPs(!), they have never been confused over who's who.

My step dad is called grandad because he contributed significantly to my upbringing. My step mum is called her name. She wasn’t great when I was a child, however is amazingly, thoughtful and super generous to my children. I really regret not giving her more of a title. I had two nanny’s, two granddads growing up and I knew exactly which one people were talking about. Maybe papa or gramps is a nice compromise. The more people that love and are involved in a child’s life, the better.

To me it’s perfectly logical that your mum is grandmother, so why have an issue with her husband being grandfather. Ok, he might not be an actual blood relative, but if you call your mum grandmother, it would just be weird to call her husband Victor or Brian!

I married a widower with two children, his children are now grown up but I’d be very upset if they had children who called my husband Granddad and called me by my name. My daughters have children who all call my husband granddad and my ex husband (their actual biological grandfather) either grandpop or some sort of variation of.

I think you’d be incredibly rude to call grandmothers husband anything other than granddad!

The more grandparents the better! I don't see why this would be an issue or why it would confuse your daughter! As pp said if there were great grandparents then you wouldn't even question it so why would that be less confusing? I o ow many people who call step grandparents granny jean or grandad bill etc! What is important is your daughter grows up with a large support system of people who love her!

Kids don't get confused about things like this. It would just be normal to them.
My MIL gets annoyed that my mum is Nanny and she is Nanny Sue (not her real name ha) to my daughter. But that's how my daughter decided to differentiate because she spends a lot of time with Nanny and not a lot with Nanny Sue.
Also- my stepson calls my dad Grandad- he's 9 and did this off his own back as he has always been more of a grandad to him than my DHs father ever will be. They're best friends and my dad held back tears the first time he called him Grandad.
So my view is that a grandparent is someone who acts as such. They all seems to really want to be involved in your child's life, so sounds positive to me.

Actually thinking about it I grew up with a step grandad that I just called bob and that was actually more confusing as people would ask me who he was when I talked about him and I would have to explain he was my grans husband! I wish I had called him grandad bob as I knew him my entire life and was more of a grandad than my real one ever was!

Our parents are Grandad bill and grandad bob as neither wanted to be grandpa (!) and the nans are nana and Nannie. It’s not confusing for the kids - they know who everyone is. You’re over thinking it. Unless the issue is you dont like the guy and don’t want him to have a trusted moniker like grandad?
My DP has a close friend that I don’t like/ trust and over my dead body will she ever be ‘aunty’ to my kids the way some of our closest friends are.

I had two grandads, a grandma and two nannies growing up. No problem.

There may be point-scoring happening, but I don't think this is one of those scenarios to worry about, I don't think you need to treat this as a negative.

She won't get confused.

I only found out my granddad was my step-grandad when I was late pre-teens. He was always just grandad. But I only had that set.

My daughter has my grandma and granddad, who she just calls grandma and granddad. She probably thinks they are my mum and dad atm (she is 3) as she doesn't like it if I say they are my grandma and grandad too!

On her dad's side she has his mum, also his mum's new husband. She doesn't know he is step, just calls him Granddad 'name'. Only reason for his name being included is because both my granddad and DPs step-father are "grandad" so needs a distinction, whereas my grandma is "grandma" and DP's mum is "nanny" so no confusion.

I mean technically she has NO grandparents on my side! Just great-grandparents we call her grandparents, and even only one of those is blood. Again, on DPs side just one blood grandparent.

My step dad will be Grandad to our child when it's born. He has his own biological Grandchildren but to our daughter he would be her Grandad still.

To be fair, we call him our cat's and dog's Grandad so it would be a bit odd if we didn't call him our kid's Grandad

it really doesn't matter and she won't get confused.

Plenty of people have 'aunties' who aren't relations at all.

As long as they are all decent people who love your DC, it's not a problem.

Your dd won't be confused, she has two grandmothers and two grandfathers so why would having 3 of each confuse her? When I was growing up as well as grandparents (who were called the same thing but with surname ie Grandad Jones and Grandad Smith) but we had great grandmothers talk. One was a Nana like my other two and one was gran. I wasn't confusing!

I think you need to be consistent so if one partner gets a grandparent name so should the other.

I think if an adult is in their life (from birth) and plays a grandparent role like your MIL's DH does then it's nice to call them grandparents.

Growing up we called my step dads parents Aunty and Uncle (but my DM was one of those people who made us call many, many people Aunty and uncle who aren't).

My DM likes our kids to call her DH Poppy name. Personally I don't like it but that's a lot to do with the fact they live abroad and so far he has visited only twice I think so for my kids he is a virtual stranger. I usually refer to him at uncle name but I've not pushed it.

She wont get confused. My DC have
Grandad and Nana (my dad and sm)
Grandma and Grandpa (my mum and sd)
Gran and Harry (their dads mum and partner)
Grandad (their dads dad)
Great Grandad.
Great Nannie

They had 2 more great grandparents. 1 of whom they remember. They also have 'Grandpa's mum'. Weve never worked out what to call her. One year she signed Christmas cards from Nanny. One year she used her name and one year she used Nanny Name.

I wonder if this is about names as calling everyone Grandpa x and Grandma y isn't really at all confusing?
It sounds as though there are some relationship issues with various parties that are being played out through the naming. Along with stuff about who lives where and what the quality of the relationships will be. I would focus on that and let the name issues go.

I've just remembered - my grandmothers mum dies young and her Dad remarried. He then died so her step mum married for a 3rd time. As children my dm and her siblings (and then later us grandchildren) all called these two people who were no blood relation to us as Nana and Grandad.

Just refer to them however you want to and your children will most likely follow your lead.

MIL has a partner of about 20 years, who was not a father figure and isn't particularly close to DH, though they do get on OK now. DH was totally against our DC calling the partner grandad because he's not, and mostly because it seems odd for him to have that honour of being a grandparent when he's no sort of father figure to DH.

When DC1 was born, MIL started referring to her DP as "Grandad (name)" without consulting us but we just ignored it and kept using his name. DC followed suit, MIL and her DP came to accept it and there's no problem.