In love with female teacher...

[Tumbletee]

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

Nothing is wrong with you, it's fine to have a meaningless crush you'll never act on.

First of all, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Secondly, given that you are feeling so confused and conflicted, I strongly suggest you see a therapist so you have a safe place to talk through all of these feelings you're having. Perhaps you're bisexual, maybe not, but that's not really the point. You need an outlet to help you process what you're feeling.

I recently develiped a crush on L.P, the singer. I had a few weeks of wondering if I was bi, as I was so intensely attracted to her. But I realised I couldn't envision ever wanting to get naked with her or do bedroom things beyond kissing, so I figured I am straight and just really admire her. Whether you are bi or not really doesn't matter, since you are happily married. Just don't act on it and everything is fine.

It will pass , honest
Just try and remain pleasant and normal.
If it helps play music on headphones while you think of her cos what you’re going through is totally acceptable and more common than you would think.

Sexuality can be fluid and not necessarily fixed. Have a look at pan sexuality.

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. What matters is what you do now and whether you decide to act upon your feelings or not. We have all had feelings for somebody inappropriate. I say inappropriate not because she is female but because of her position as your DD's teacher. I have feelings for somebody at the moment who I don't see often but I have to keep them private as it's also inappropriate for me to act on them.

Thanks for the replies. I definitely don't think it's just a crush though. This all started almost a year ago, and the feelings have just gotten stronger and stronger over time. And I definitely could imagine being with her sexually 100% (I embarrassingly will admit that I do this quite often). Again, no other woman, just her. I actually asked dh to do the school run end of last week, as I couldn't face seeing her and knowing that she'd be all I'd think about all day. And then she text me... so it made me wonder if I'm completely imagining it, or if she feels something too. I think these feelings are just going to get even more intense and I will be tempted to act on them, which makes me feel awful. But if she did show any signs of reciprocating how I feel, I would struggle to walk away (I feel so terrible writing that). I really feel like there's a connection that I've never had with anyone before. I feel like I need to tell dh, as I hate having this "secret", but I know he'll be so hurt. I can't even say I wish I didn't feel like this because I don't. I just wish it wasn't so conflicting with everything I've ever known. I couldn't imagine feeling like this about another man. I adore my dh, and feel like my head would never be turned for another man, so why a woman?!

Of course it's just a crush.

You cannot be in love with someone you don't even know.

You’re not the only one who has been through all this. One of my closest friends was unhappily married with 2 dcs, had been straight all her life, then aged about 36 suddenly began an intense relationship with one of her female former students aged 24. It was a full on sexual relationship too, and lasted 3 years after which she went back to exclusively heterosexual relationships. (Her marriage broke up unsurprisingly.) she said to me it was an inexplicable connection; neither had had a lesbian encounter never mind relationship before.

Maybe you're bisexual.

Fantasies are fantasies and are probably harmless regardless of who they're about. But if you ever got the opportunity to act on it, I'd say that it would be just as wrong as cheating with a man would be.

Do you flirt with each other, or anything to have gotten your crush to such an intesne point? Also is she an openly gay woman? Sometimes that will trigger such a crush.

I understand these crushes happen (I'm a gay woman myself and used to be completely secretly infatuated with a work colleague, but thats because she was also gay and we flirted/had sexual tension between us), but I wonder whats happened to make you feel this intensely?

You can't really love someone you don't really know. Your feelings do sound very intense, however. You say you love your husband, so if I were you, I would cease contact with her - moving preschools if necessary.

Have you ever spent any social time with her? Gone out for a drink or supper?
Does she have kids?
Is she married or in a relationship?

If she is texting you then I would be questioning her professional judgment more than I would be thinking about your own feelings. I think you need to nip this in the bud immediately and, like Loopy said move pre-schools. Her behaviour is inappropriate depending what she said in the text. Obviously it was remember to send your child with 50p for snack then it's fine but I suspect it was more than that.

Tumbletee you say you would be tempted to act if she felt the same, even knowing the pain and confusion and loss that would cause your daughter? Maybe focus on the hurt it would cause the people you love the most rather than dwelling on the excitement of the crush itself. And perhaps you should consider counselling to work through what this woman has sparked in you and why.

Oh don’t say ‘it’s JUST a crush’
A crush can be overwhelming and it doesn’t matter how old you are.
It’s very possible to be happily married and straight and all of a sudden find yourself smelling a perfume that means a certain someone is in their office.
It really messes with your head

You need therapy missus!

I honestly think this is a crush as you don't really know her at all. It's easy to have feelings for someone who can't do anything wrong because you never spend any time with them, they're the perfect person in your mind!

I'd strongly advise you not to tell your DH, he'd be so hurt. Plus, I'm sure he has/has had crushes of his own and I don't suppose you'd like to hear about them either. I know my DH has had crushes, as have I, but we don't discuss them (although I've always guessed when DH has a crush :-).

Flying me too! LP is outrageously attractive!

OP I wonder if your fixation is to do with her being someone who is big in your DD's life.

Are you very interested in parenting? Has your DD had a profound impact on your life? If so, you could be doing a sort of hero-worship thing with this teacher based on the fact that she's good at her job.

Am distracted by wanting to know who LP is?!

Ah I googled. I thought you were being coy and just referring to initials 😳

I think her gender is irrelevant. For whatever reason, from a biological point of view, this person is triggering huge dopamine surges in your brain. Thing is, these don't last - usually a few months at most. It can be a basis to start a relationship, but it's not some magic destiny ( despite what rom-coms would have you believe). What you have with your husband is a partnership that has been carefully built with trust and time. Don't jeopardise that for the sake of a biological urge. If you are really not happy in your relationship, end it before getting embroiled with anyone else.

^ Wise words from Loopy who said what I was thinking.

Yes I do think maybe it all started when she became dds key worker, and they've formed a really close relationship. DD adores her, and talks about her constantly so maybe it stemmed from seeing what a lovely person she is and how happy she makes DD. I am very interested in parenting and childcare, and since having children have considered retraining and going into early years teaching myself, so maybe I'm slightly in awe of her. But this can't surely be the reason I'm feeling extremely sexually attracted to her, and questioning what to do about it? I think she's gay/bi. I'm not going to change dds preschool, she loves it there, and starts school in September anyway, so would be crazy to change things now. I guess these feelings will fade when I'm not seeing her at drop off and pick up. Dc2 is due to start preschool in the next year though and I'd love them to go there as it's a fantastic preschool and DD has thrived there, but part of me thinks I should send them elsewhere, so I can avoid this situation getting out of hand. I know this is just as bad as if I had these thoughts towards another man, but I really can't control my feelings towards her. In fact I think it wouldn't be as bad if it was a man, as I'd purposely avoid contact as I wouldn't want dh to become suspicious. He's never going to question me and the female teacher messaging eachother... It makes me feel really bad, but then I know dh would never suspect things so as long as I can hold it together and never act on it, everything will be fine. Although I'm worried this is a sign that I'm not who I thought I was. I even dreamt last week that we formed a relationship and I was going to her house, and dh didn't suspect anything as why would he... he thought we were just friends. I feel really really guilty about this dream!!

The falling for a woman after only having had het relationships is not uncommon. It happened to me - happily married with two young children and bam! Met a woman, it was like I was bewitched - became utterly besotted with her - fell in love and here we are 13 yrs later married to each other. Never been the least bit interested in any other woman just her.
A woman in my town fell in love with a female teacher at her kids' school - they had a relationship that lasted a few years. They were both single though at the time.
I can totally understand your intense feelings - when I met my now wife it was all consuming - I didn't know what was happening to me. I was a sensible calm rational wife and mother who completely lost her head - never imagined anything like that happening to me. But it did.