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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

220 replies

incogneto · 24/04/2019 13:06

I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind Confused

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 24/04/2019 20:06

It sounds like she still thinks of you as a child and not a married woman with her own responsibilities and family. Take care.

RChick · 24/04/2019 20:07

If it is labour @incogneto turn off your phone, get a snack and go lie down for a while with some nice music on.
Good luck!

Yesicancancan · 24/04/2019 20:08

Leave her to it, it’s not your responsibility to soothe her disappointment.

Graphista · 24/04/2019 20:11

I do NOT understand the people that do this! It's usually mil's but occasionally mothers or even fil or fathers.

The worst one I read was a mil who was an hcp herself who used her staff pass to access the delivery suite and hold the baby BEFORE even mum got a look in! Iirc she'd donned scrubs and was mistaken for a maternity staff member. That caused major ructions Iirc as I think op was close to Nc even before this happened. I'd have lost my shit!!

Giving birth is not a sodding entertainment event!

You're already dealing with medical intervention, without wishing to concern you, you and/or baby may need more medical support - trust me as an ex nurse often relatives just get in the bloody way!

There's absolutely NO reason for her to be sat on a chair outside the delivery room for possibly days!

She's being ridiculous!

Tell the midwife and the hospital and be clear on YOUR wishes, hopefully they'll be on the ball types and won't stand for such nonsense!

"She sounds a bit worried about you." She really doesn't! She sounds unreasonably pissed off that she's not being prioritised in an event she has no right to be part of unless specifically invited!

I'd be sorely tempted to text her

"Pack it in or mil will get the whole first week with baby"

Drum2018 · 24/04/2019 20:26

Even better, if you are in labour now don't tell anyone. Just head off to the hospital when you need to with Dh and tell them all when baby is born.

MrsMozartMkII · 24/04/2019 20:30

Exciting times lass!

Hope it all goes well and you get the experience you want.

deste · 24/04/2019 20:34

To me the birth of your baby should be between you and your other half, I am close to my DD but it never crossed my mind to be there at her birth. It’s a special time for you and your partner and the only reason you would have your mother is if you were giving birth as a lone parent.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 24/04/2019 21:04

Ooh, I missed the waters going!! Best of luck, focus on yourself, DP and the new arrival Flowers

Buddywoo · 24/04/2019 21:08

I was with my daughters for the births of all five children. To me it was a privilege and not a right. I didn't expect to be there and waited until they asked me. If they hadn't asked I would not have been upset. Deciding who you want to be with you for the birth of your baby is such a personal thing.

JudgeRindersMinder · 24/04/2019 21:10

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking
No you’re not the only one who thinks it strange that there would be anyone in addition to the woman’s partner at a birth

Cherrysoup · 24/04/2019 21:30

Hopefully the birth will happen before Saturday and dm won’t even know! You’ll get a few days peace. 😂 If it’s a false start, ensure she knows she’s not to come to the hospital so she can loom outside like the fucking ghost at the feast!

mondaylisasmile · 24/04/2019 21:49

Urgh why do people think giving birth is a communal event or spectator sport or time for anyone other than the birthing mother to demand what happens!

Some people are really beyond a joke, hopefully the op is in labour and whatever support she needs and wants at this rollercoaster time is there for her... Not a fucking guilt trip from family members who care more about what they want than the poor woman in labour.

geologyrocks · 24/04/2019 22:10

Are you serious @BollocksToBrexit the midwife handed YOUR baby to someone elai can't believe that!! Well I do I can we it. I would have been absolutly fuming and never ever have gotten over it

Jengnr · 24/04/2019 22:18

I hope you are having the baby now...then you can text her on Saturday inviting her :)

Singlenotsingle · 24/04/2019 23:27

Well we haven't head back from Incogneto for a few hours now, so hopefully she's busy giving birth. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 23:40

Update: I'm not in labour (or I don't think so anyway!)

I was in the kitchen earlier and became aware that I felt quite damp down there. It wasn't a gush or a trickle or anything but I changed underwear and since then I've been dry.

I have had some sharp pains down below and more pain when I've felt baby moving. I'm guessing he's just in an awkward position and he's a big baby anyway so perhaps it's just that.

Also, mum text me and told me that she didn't want to fall out. I sent her a few kisses back and that was it.

We will see how it goes..

OP posts:
Sunonthepatio · 24/04/2019 23:42

I agree completely it is a privilege and not a right. I would never ever make my daughters (now adult) feel uncomfortable about their birth choices. I have had my children and so it is not about me.

And anyway the point of any birth partner is to support the mother in the way she would like to be supported. Therefore nobody has a right to be there, father included. Only the people SHE wants there. Or none, if she prefers.

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 23:47

Completely derailing my own thread but can any mums here tell me that it's normal to have shooting pains up my vagina and bottom at this stage? Blush

OP posts:
HeartStrings · 24/04/2019 23:49

I had the exact same thing with my mum when I was pregnant with my first dc. She was really upset, I don't think I'd ever seen her upset, and her being upset broke my heart but those were my wishes. I even got sent home from work because I kept crying about it. She did come round though and dp and I shared our first dc together just us two. We did make up for it with my mum and she was there for the birth of my second dc. My dm was so in love with her first dgc that it just didn't matter to her that she wasn't there and she was happy that he arrived safely into the world.
Maybe let things settle a bit and then have a talk with your mum, make sure she knows you love her but this is something that you want to do with just you and your dp

Weenurse · 24/04/2019 23:56

Any sign of mucous plug?
What I thought were braxton contractions was actually early labor. Any cramps?
Shooting pains down below when baby put a arm stretch and felt like it was in vagina.
Good luck 💐

Original poster
incogneto · 25/04/2019 00:00

@Weenurse No sign of plug no. I've felt crampy around the back area and the front of my belly but it was nothing unbearable and it keeps coming on and off.

Every movement from baby is so painful though, I feel like he's kicking me to death from the inside!

OP posts:
Original poster
incogneto · 25/04/2019 00:04

@Weenurse the pains are really sharp and sudden Sad

OP posts:
Weenurse · 25/04/2019 00:05

Start timing those cramps, baby tended to go a little quiet before I went into labor, it is different for everyone

Acis · 25/04/2019 00:15

Did she have her mother there when she gave birth? If not, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

LightDrizzle · 25/04/2019 00:18

It’s good she seems to have got a grip.
I hope you can relax now on that front and just focus on your imminent bundle.

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