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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

220 replies

incogneto · 24/04/2019 13:06

I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind Confused

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

OP posts:
Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 17:28

Jesus Christ, she's so argumentative. She's now saying "it's funny how you've changed your mind now". Feel like telling her to fuck off, I'm seething Angry

OP posts:
diddl · 24/04/2019 17:30

"she says things about him behind his back to me, which makes me feel so conflicted."

It shouldn't-you should be standing up for your husband & telling gher to shut up & go home if she is at yours or you should be leaving if you are at hers.

"She said she will be waiting outside of the room instead of being sat at home not knowing what's going on."

That sounds about the point that you tell her to fuck off!

Don't tell her when you go to the hospital.

I can't comprehend at all how she can be so nasty to her own daughter.

gettofuckthrees · 24/04/2019 17:30

I always intended on just having DH there at the birth. However it turned into a long drawn out affair which ended in an emergency csection. My mum came after the first few hours and was there until baby was born. I was so so glad to have her! She was a great help to relieve DH so he could have a bit of a break and good company when I needed it.

In your situation I would remain strong with your decision as it is your choice and yours alone, but maybe just let her know that if things don't progress entirely the way you hope then you would love her to help. Best of both worlds! All the best.

NancyJoan · 24/04/2019 17:30

Stand firm, OP. Your DP, plus MW and probably another person is already plenty in the delivery room. And you, of course. You don’t get a choice.

ChrisPrattsFace · 24/04/2019 17:34

Op, I could have written your post a few weeks ago. My dm assumed she would be my birthing partner OVER my DH.
I told her that wouldn’t be happening because I wanted it to be me and DH only.
I guess your mum is upset as for the whole 38 weeks (or wherever you are) that she would be there - and in her eyes that’s been ‘taken away from her’
I also wouldn’t stand for her sitting outside and waiting - she will push to come in and soon as baby is born. Me and DH joke that my mum would push the midwife out the way if it meant she could pull the baby out - because of that we will not be telling her when we go in, instead ringing her once baby is born.
Good luck OP, stick to your guns!

outpinked · 24/04/2019 17:34

You have nothing to apologise for, she'll get over herself in time. Sounds like she needs to grow up and realise this isn’t all about her. Set boundaries now and practise being firm otherwise she’ll walk all over you.

archivearmadillo · 24/04/2019 17:35

I've never met anyone who's had their mother at the birth of their child. It isn't the usual at all. Pretending to expect it is disingenuous. A lot of hospitals won't allow 2 birth partners, especially if you end up in the operating theatre ...

I'd have given birth alone rather than had my mother there, it really isn't something you share with anyone who you wouldn't normally show your genitalia IMO.

The only possible reasons for having your mother there are if the alternative is birthing alone and you don't want to, or if you accidentally go into labour and have a home birth whilst visiting your mother, and she happens to be a midwife/ gynecologist/ obstetrician/ vet/ sheep farmer Grin

Your mother's motives aren't pure, her heart isn't in the right place, she's just trying to prove she's more important than your mil.

Don't say anything conciliatory. It's her problem. She's the unreasonable one. Stick to your guns or you'll regret it and she'll keep dpi g similar (giving your baby their first solids months too early to get in first, cutting their hair against your will to be the one who was there for that first etc etc all to get one up on mil).

ChrisPrattsFace · 24/04/2019 17:35

She’s assumed she would be there*

Dishwashersaurous · 24/04/2019 17:36

Just be reassured that you have made the right decision.

Simply respond and say that simply won’t be happening.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/04/2019 17:36

She said she will be waiting outside of the room instead of being sat at home not knowing what's going on

She's simply not listening to you is she? Hmm

What would be wonderful is if you went into spontaneous labour before Saturday so she wouldn't need to know until DS is born, but if it all happens on the planned day I'd simply tell her she'll be the first to get the news then ask the staff to move her away

MachineBee · 24/04/2019 17:37

If you’re up to it I think I’d call her now and say firmly that her plans aren’t going to be happening. Then switch off your phone and take a break. Texts can end up being a ping pong match.

Singlenotsingle · 24/04/2019 17:39

And meanwhile, MIL is being good and behaving herself? It's unusual for a DM to be so difficult.

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 17:41

I've sent her a very strong reply saying I'm not changing plans just to please other people, this is my time and she needs to respect that and My wishes. I said to her I'm thinking about myself and what I want and nobody else whether people like it or not Smile she wants me to say that she is more important than everybody else so it should be different for her.

I was trying to be nice to her but enoughs enough now, to be frank it's tough shit if she doesn't like it

OP posts:
MRex · 24/04/2019 17:43

You need to be very clear when she says anything against your DP that he is your family now and you won't tolerate that. I couldn't be doing with people being horrible to my DH, that's not how you live life as a team.

Also your mum needs to stop being nasty to you! That last message, a PP had the perfect response in advance "You put me on the spot when you asked me a couple of weeks ago, I've written my birth plan and that isn't what I want, so I've let you know. I'll still want your support once the baby is here, let's focus on those plans now please."

MRex · 24/04/2019 17:44

Your message was fine, sorry cross-post!

JoyceDivision · 24/04/2019 17:46

Well done op!

These are moments you'll forever regret not having as you wanted so well done for not caving in.

I

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 17:47

She replied saying let me say one thing I hope MIL won't be there.

I told her to stop being childish it's not a competition, it's just me and DP end of story.

The reply I got... "do what you want".

OP posts:
diddl · 24/04/2019 17:47

So what if you had changed your mind last minute?

Dissappointing for her yes-but the point is that you have your baby!

Obviously it's a dig at your husband/ILs.

Well, you as well if she thinks that you would be persuaded to not have her there if you really wanted to.

diddl · 24/04/2019 17:49

"She replied saying let me say one thing I hope MIL won't be there."

You should have told her that if that was what you wanted, then MIL would be there!Grin

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 17:51

Gosh I'm fuming at her. Don't even want to see her or speak to her.

We will definitely be making our own way there on Saturday now.

OP posts:
InceyWinceyette · 24/04/2019 17:55

"Look, Mum, I know you are disappointed that I changed my mind, the truth is I was caught on the hop and I had never really envisaged anyone being with me except DP. I feel very private about this and do not want anyone watching or waiting, it feels like too much pressure. So please accept that the best way to be the best grandma to my baby is to wait patiently for the happy news and then visiting for the first time. I hope I have your support in this - this is what I most need. Thank you"

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 17:58

I'm astounded that she could kick off so spectacularly and think it's okay when it isn't even her experience. It's somebody else's and she's tried to ruin it days before.

OP posts:
BollocksToBrexit · 24/04/2019 17:58

Update: had a text off DM. She said she will be waiting outside of the room instead of being sat at home not knowing what's going on.

No. Just no. My mother did this despite me saying no multiple times. Peering in through the fucking window in the door. As soon as DD was born she rushed in, all emotional and sobbing, and the sodding midwife handed DD to her instead of me. She literally turned her back on me so that she could focus on DD and ignore my pleas to see the baby I'd just birthed. 10 minutes that felt like a life before I got to meet MY daughter. Do not allow her to do the same to you.

Original poster
incogneto · 24/04/2019 18:00

@BollocksToBrexit exactly what I don't want to happen. I'm actually going to tell the midwives to refuse her entry or anywhere near the room.

She can piss off.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 24/04/2019 18:01

She also wants you to admit one of the others persuaded you out of having her there - that's what the 'funny' bit relates to I reckon. This sort of thing makes me livid Angry

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