To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

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I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

@ContessaIsOnADietDammit Exactly and it's not even true!! MIL was fine with it so was DP.

MIL said she would have respected whatever we wanted so I don't know why my own mother can't do the bloody same.

Dear god. She’s a mother?! How old is she?! She’s throwing a strop at her pregnant daughter because she’s not being put first?

Op - You’re doing so so well. Your maturity and calmness in the face of this is incredible

Leave her. Let her fucking stew. I’m livid on your behalf. How dare she cause you anxiety at this time.

She’s cutting her nose off to spite her face though. I bet she won’t be sulking when the little one gets here and she risks mil being the first to meet them.

Take care.

OP, this may be the first of many realisations you will have that your mother's way of parenting is a useful guide on how not to do it..... I only realised quite how profoundly crap mine had been when I had DC of my own. The anger grows with time, so be ready for it

How old is she? 12?

We will definitely be making our own way there on Saturday now
I'm actually going to tell the midwives to refuse her entry or anywhere near the room

Very wise on both counts. There's no need at all to cut her out completely and I'm sure you wouldn't want to anyway, providing she can bring herself to behave decently

Hopefully she might just recognise her silliness for what it is and stop the ridiculous, imaginary competition with PILs ... and also the remarks about your DP

The trouble is this issue she has with your MIL will become self fulfilling. If she is constantly pushing your boundaries and making you feel uncomfortable you are likely to start keeping her at arms length.

If MIL on the other hand is respectful and supportive you will feel more comfortable involving her. I've never understood why people don't understand that this and just keep pushing.

Thank you @QuickThinkOfAName

I don't know if I should be angry upset or confused at her reaction. I know if I was her and that was my DD I'd totally respect what she wanted and get on with it, whether I liked it or not.

My parents pulled a stunt like this after I'd given birth and I honestly haven't forgiven them still.

They put their needs first and their weird fucked up insecurities about being the "best" grandparents lead to all kinds of problems.

I'm sorry to say it's still no better 2 years later and our relationship is not good.

You're right to be fuming op and I hope she sees sense and apologises before Saturday. It can't be nice for you to have this shit to think about as well as giving birth soon. It's when she should be supporting you the most, yet she's put herself first.

I knew she had her problems but she's really shown her true colours as a mother now.

Imagine not respecting your pregnant daughter and causing so much stress just days before birth. And it's a shame because we have had a great relationship during this pregnancy and she has been supportive every other time until now.

To think I was so worried about upsetting her feelings when she's hurt mine like this.

Yeah.... the latent issues tend to push their way to the fore at times like this I'm afraid. Not so perfect timing. Just stay confident that you're not treating her badly, because you really aren't.

Thank you @ContessaIsOnADietDammit ❤️

"It's all about you, mum, isn't it? This is MY birth, MY baby, and it'll happen with me and dp there. If you're going to behave like a toddler, then I won't have time or energy to see you - I have an actual baby to think about."

I’m so sorry she’s being like this! She can’t just waltz into a maternity unit, most are strict access with passes and they won’t allow anyone in except during visiting hours. You can refuse her to be allowed access to within those hours!

You being the bigger person counts - if you are still happy to then get your DP to update her still. But she’s not exactly being a great adult here x

This thing about having a cast of thousands with you is very odd, I tolerated my OH but the idea of my mother being there, yuck!

My mum would have been horrified if I'd suggested she be there. She would only have come if something had happened to DH.

Look, Mum, I know you are disappointed that I changed my mind, the truth is I was caught on the hop and I had never really envisaged anyone being with me except DP. I feel very private about this and do not want anyone watching or waiting, it feels like too much pressure. So please accept that the best way to be the best grandma to my baby is to wait patiently for the happy news and then visiting for the first time. I hope I have your support in this - this is what I most need. Thank you

I think that's perfect. You've got angry and shown her you mean what you say. You can now follow up with the above to explain how you feel and start to mend things without seeming weak. It would be awful if you're still at daggers drawn when the baby arrives. This way at least she'll know what you need from her, and that your change of mind has nothing to do with your husband or MIL.

I currently have this problem. My DM was at our first child's birth and if I'm honest it was her that I needed/wanted at the time and for a long time afterwards I felt so terrible on DH as it should have been him I wanted/needed.
Needless to say my DM has assumed (as she actually did the first time) that she'll be a birthing partner this time round and I've told DH I'd like it to just be the two of us but he has said that last time it was my DM that I needed/wanted and it helped keep him calm having someone else there.
Now I don't know what to do. I know it will really upset DM if I tell her it's just the two of us this time and I don't want to put necessary pressure on DH...but I do just want it just the two of us

Tell her tomorrow evening that the hospital rang and the induction date has been pushed to Monday. That way she won't be waiting for news, or expecting to give a lift to the hospital. And you will have peace on Saturday while hopefully going into labour.

So no text from DM but she has proceeded to tag me in something on Facebook pretending as though nothings happened

Goodness me I can't keep up with her.

Might be a peace offering (she'll see it that way, I bet). Click like or something and it'll all be resolved.

You won't get an apology, but you'll get he birth you want and that's the important thing!

I may not even make it to my induction on Saturday.

I think I am leaking waters as I felt very wet down there all of a sudden and am having pains in my belly..

Wonderful news, best of luck to you for a calm birth and a healthy baby x

Most hospitals have security and theres no way they will let her through.I said a few pages back get there under your on steam.Dont tell her when you are in labor.

And tell the midwives,they will make sure she wont get in.Its terrible people beiing selfish and making it harder on you.

Ooh! How exciting!
Fingers crossed for you