To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

[incogneto]

I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

Sheesh. The nicest interpretation is that she’s worried about you and wants to be there.

People boss you about so much around child birth- hold your ground. Childbirth is a big deal and doesn’t happen often so aim to have exactly the birth you want (not that you’ll necessarily get it but you might as well start off in the right direction).

Does your mum have form for this when she doesn't get what she wants?

I hope all goes well for you lass and for DM realises it's your time, not hers.

She's being very unreasonable. But she's probably just upset. Give her some time, she'll get over it.

Don't change your mind just because she's being difficult, it's completely your decision

@incogneto She is being childish but so are YOU, you told her she could be there and now took that away, give her 24 hours to get over it and ask her if she is ok,you don't have to apologise though! your a first time mum! Don't fall out with your DM over something so silly when you might need her.

I was induced and thank god my DM & DH was there the midwife left me all the time and my mum went and told her to get her shit together and thank god she did because I almost bled out!!

My Dm & Dsis haven't spoken in almost 4 years over a similar situation, trust me, its shit don't let that happen to you...

I wasn’t allowed at the births of my daughters theee and I think that was the right decision
I would’ve just been in the way.. the last two were home births and I may have panicked a little which might have upset her
No I was far more useful looking after the eldest when the second was born and then the two boys when their sister was born
I was the first relative to see them
So that can’t be bad

DP's been nothing but lovely to her and he's never done anything to hurt me but still she says things about him behind his back to me, which makes me feel so conflicted

Can I suggest you need to be careful here, incogneto? Your DP sounds like a very decent guy who's rightly doing a lot to back you, and he is after all your immediate family (along with soon to be DS )

As so many have said, your DM could easily ramp this up once DS is here and you really don't want ongoing unpleasantness at such a happy time. Best, perhaps, to shut the catty comments down before they become a habit which she expects you to tolerate?

Update: had a text off DM. She said she will be waiting outside of the room instead of being sat at home not knowing what's going on.

No

"No" is how you need to reply.

Speak to the midwives. They won't let her in.

She needs to back off. Tell her that yourself and your Dh want to enjoy time with your baby and that you will of course contact her after he's born, but that you'd prefer not to have any visitors until later that day/the next day, depending on time of birth. If she can't respect your decision just tell the nursing staff that you don't want any visitors. Don't give your room number so visitors will have to ask where you are and can then be told you are not open to visitors. It would be ridiculous for her to be at the hospital as could be sat waiting for hours on end between you being induced and when baby arrives.

She sounds a bit worried about you. You can ask the midwife to refuse her entry if you wish, they will do as you ask. You could try to reassure her that as soon as anything happens she will be the first to know, you DP can then call her as soon as you are both ready to tell the world and his wife.
My own DM was driving the midwifes crazy when I had my son 27 years ago, they had to tell her to stop calling.

I had this with my mum. She's not the best sort of support you need in those situations and she overreacts - which is what she did when I told her we wouldn't be telling anyone I was in labour. She stopped talking and started stomping around my home and slamming doors etc which just cemented it for me really. She will get over it. Mine did.

I'm sorry your mum is making this about her. It's very unfair. Stand your ground and good luck for the weekend!

How are you getting to the hospital? I didn't tell anyone when I went in with my first until after she was born.
Same with my third.

Hi OP

I think her response has just confirmed you made exactly the right decision

A birth partner needs to be someone who is there to put you first 100pc. Sulking because you're doing something to ensure you feel comfortable just shows she isn't up to doing that. It's awful if she wanted to be there to get one up on your mil rather than genuinely support you.

Maybe you could have told her sooner so apologise for not making it clearer earlier if you must, but not for the actual decision. It would be madness to have someone there you didn't want to just to stop a sulk! Also sounds like she would want to be the first to hold the baby and get in the way of skin ti skin etc

It takes a stout heart to watch your daughter giving birth. My dd wanted me there, so I went despite myself.

I think you need to just reply with no. And find another way to get to the hospital. She's pushing it now isn't she !

Text her back and say 'Mum, you're making this all about you and it should be all about our little one. DP & I want to enjoy our time together as family at the start without having to think about visitors. DP will ring you at home when the baby has safely arrived to let you know and when we've settled in at home and had a couple of days as a family of 3 we'll have you round to visit.' And finish with some warm & fluffy sentiment without giving any ground.

Was your mum's at your mum's birth with you?? I bet she wasn't. Then why should she be at your birth?? She's being silly and selfish. You need to be concentrating on yourself here. Leave her to calm down.

She is being completely unreasonable you poor thing - with enough on your plate.... get a bus/taxi etc to teh hospital on Sat - and tell (in advance if you can) your midwife/induction team that you are getting stressed by family so no-one else to come along - most are really good at ensuring only helpful people are there...

re her text just ignore - I wouldn't even answer it ....most hospitals do not have places for people to 'sit outside birthing rooms' ...

its a shame shes making it all about her and not about you.....

She has no business telling you what she is doing. She is really pushing it and she doesn’t think you’ll dare risk upsetting her further.
The last thing you need is the knowledge she’s hovering outside the door (probably not possible anyway) wondering what’s going on. You don’t need the pressure. I bet a pp is right and she is partly ensuring she is first grandma through the doors to cuddle the baby.
I was induced on a Friday morning and delivered at 03.15 on the Sunday. She needs to stay home and trust your husband to contact her if needed.
None of this seems to be about minimising your stress and supporting you. It’s all about her experience and her role. Her persistence and her failure to ask what you want proves that.
I’m quite cross for you. It is such an emotional time, even a risky time, you shouldn’t be having to fret about this.

Incidentally, a couple of years ago, DD1 said that when/if she had children, she thought she’d want me there. I was careful to say that that was nice but when the time came she might feel differently and her bf might feel squeezed out, - however inside I glowed!!! More recently she referenced saying that, and said she probably wouldn’t. I wasn’t surprised and agreed that was probably right.
I think it is absolutely the woman’s call who she has with her in delivery, but where there is a supportive father in the picture, I think the presumption should be that the parents share this incredibly intimate experience. If the woman feels a friend or relative will help then that should be supported, but never presumed.

I’ve never seen a waiting area at the delivery suite and the midwives won’t give updates on your progress since it’s yr private medical information. So totally pointless and probably impossible for her to come and sit outside.

Yes, she’ll get over it. TBH, I’d find it a little gross having my parent in with me. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but there are bits of me I’d rather not have my mom see. If you want to say anything, I’d just tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Stand your ground, it’s your baby, and your decision.

Waiting outside the room? Weird. Now she is trying to control the situation. I wouldn’t tell her when you go into labour, if you don’t want her there. My DM is such a nervous person, she didn’t want to know until my baby was born!

Eek! I was on the fence up until her last text. No, you don’t want her hovering and you not knowing if your actually private or not because she could dive around the midwives and barge in at any time! Ugh!

Apart from anything, that stress could make your labour progress slower.

Humm. How about that lovely nice text someone wrote up thread but incorporating her not being at the hospital but keeping herself fresh and not tired for once the baby comes (or some lovely gentle twaddle like that?!).

Taking the approach that you don’t want a big family drama in the few days before you give birth, and soothing troubled waters tends to work better, even if you are being purely diplomatic!

Basically trying to avoid her getting all riled up and trying to storm the labour room to save you from the evil mil / dp who are clearing plotting and planning against her... all played out between contraction number 89 and 90! As I bet your dp would NOT be very politic then and that would create a massive family rift just when you want to focus on you and the baby.

Do I sound slightly over dramatic? Well... maybe! But the one thing I’ve learnt over the years is that people do like to behave badly at exactly the time when it’s Not About Them, and you need their support.