To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

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I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

Don't chase your Mum over this. Let her have her feelings - but equally stay firm. What is most important here is YOU. That you are as comfortable as you can be, for the birthing process.

So, you've said your piece, she's going to have a bit of a sulk, but just carry on as per normal, and ignore the sulk - it's the most effective way of dealing with it.

She'll come out of it eventually.

You’re mum
Needs to stop the childish games with mil. For me becoming a mother meant being more boundaried with other adults on my family behaving badly. I did it kindly, but I was straight forward. It’s made lots to f things much easier.

I would have loved to have my DM stay with us for a week once we'd got home to help out with meals, cleaning up, general sounding board etc. In fact any week of the initial first months it would have been nice (though she couldn't unfortunately). Would you want your DM to stay at all? Maybe you could let her know if so and nail down those arrangements, that might give her some comfort. If you want your MIL to stay as well then perhaps let DM do the first stint. I wasn't sure until we were home whether I'd want my DM there, but actually it would have been lovely.

You are choosing to do what’s right for YOUR new family. And that’s exactly what should be happening. Your DM may be feeling anxious for you (I was with my DD when she had my DGD) and also a bit vulnerable that her place in the family is changing.

You and your DH are about to take responsibility for a new human being. It will sometimes mean tough decisions, difficult situations and handling awkward people. You can do this, and it will help to remember you are your DCs champion.

Oh and your comment about your DM seeking one-up-manship over your MIL - this needs nipped in the bud now otherwise you’ll be laying up problems for years to come.

I'm afraid other than reiterating that this is your choice, your birth and not a personal rejection, there's not a fat lot you can do other than wait for her disappointment to wane. Perhaps she would like to be involved in another way. You're still her baby, she wants to mother you and us excited about her grandchild. Equally, it's not a spectator sport and very private, special moment if that's what you choose

Plus, you have not upset her. She is disappointed, but you've done nothing wrong or unreasonable. Don't forget that.
All the best for a smooth pregnancy, labour and joyous entry to the world for you little one x

Once she stops being so childish you can ask for her help as in she stays for a few days to help in the weeks or so after the birth. Probably best when your partner goes back to work.

Having that extra support is very useful but if she’s being so selfish to only consider her feelings then maybe see if your Mil can step up to help afterwards.

Good luck with the induction and labour - take lots of nice snacks and thinks to do if the induction takes as long as mine did

Agree with PPs about letting mum have her own feelings and I'm going to leave her for a bit. I'm not going to chase her though, obviously at this moment in time I have more important things to worry about.

Also sick of the one-up manship. It makes me sad that people are treating this like a competition, I.e. DM & MIL were having a somewhat bitchy discussion the other week about who has bought more things/spent more money on their first grandson. I'm fed up with childish adults.

I wouldn't dream of acting in such a way so I don't know why they think it's okay

There is nowhere in our house for my mum to stay after the birth, although this would be one thing I would definitely welcome. We live in a 2 up 2 down

Don't say anything, your mum is being a brat. If you let her get away with it now she'll be a bloody nightmare once the baby arrives.

Fgs, do not apologise. All that will accomplish is letting her know she can use her bullshit emotional terrorism to make you feel guilty. You're a grown woman and it's time to cut the cord. If she's upset, so be it. It's up to her If she wants to grow up and get over herself.

Definitely not getting an apology off me. I'm not going to apologise for wanting this to be a private and special experience for me and DP.

The sad thing is I know she won't speak to me unless I come to her first. Which isn't happening.

You are the one giving birth, you call the shots. It's a big life moment, nobody should be there who you don't expressly want to be there. Don't apologise (nothing to apologise for). My DM is a bit like this. She likes to have her own way, enjoys guilt tripping me, thinks she is No1 all the time etc.

If you don't stick to your stance now, she might also think she can walk all over you when the baby's here. A loving DGMa is a good thing but it shouldn't come with a price tag of your expense. Be kind but firm. "No DM, it's not what me and (partner) want. Thanks for the offer though".

She was crazy to think it would happen. Can you think of a single person that you know who has a Partner but still had their Mum at the birth of their child? It is not standard and she should be well aware of that. It’s also demeaning to your partner to suggest you need extra support in addition to his.

Please don’t get upset about it all, them being childish is frustrating but some people are like that.

I made my mum feel valued by asking for her help, silly things like “I’m considering x or y type of (bouncer / blanket) what do you think?” She loved feeling like she had an input but without too much strain on me. Get your partner to message her with updates to both mums - no need to update anyone else (unless parents separated)

Might be worth seeing if you could stay with your mum though at one point, so easy when you don’t have to cook or clean and only need to focus on baby .... (my mum and MIL had me over in the first few weeks)

All the people I know who have had their mum or another significant female relative there are those who have no partner now I come to think of it.

The sad thing is I know she won't speak to me unless I come to her first. Which isn't happening

Ahhh, two of the most peaceful weeks I ever had was when my Mum refused to speak to me because I'd offended her by (for ONCE) declining her 'kind' offer to come horn in on a very private and special day. . .

Then she 'decided' that we'd gone long enough not talking. . . sigh. . .

I wouldn’t worry about her continuing the silent treatment as soon as your LO is born it’ll probably be forgotten (hopefully). The excitement of the baby will trump everything.

Oh and good luck OP.

You absolutely mustn't have someone there when you don't want them. You've done the right thing, there's no need to apologise. Her response 'right okay' is childish and unsupportive. Big red flag here for how she's going to behave around grandchild in the future and what her expectations May be - lay the law down early OP.

I'm sure she will be fine about it, just give her some space. It must have been incredibly disappointing for her for you to have asked her to be your birthing partner then turn round and say you've changed your mind.
My mum was with me and DH for the majority of my labour. It was a really difficult birth and I was glad they were both there and they were both glad they had the support of each other. I realise it's not for everyone though. Would a compromise be for her to be in the hospital waiting room so she sees you and the baby as soon as you are ready to see her?

Just a thought. Who did she have with her when she had you?

Leave her be.The only thing is mention it to the midwife so that she doesnt just turn up and try and muscle in.

Next time the pair of them do their silly willy-waving (what's the female equivalent of that?) tell them firmly to stop behaving like toddlers, that you won't stand for it, that neither are welcome in your home until they can behave like adults.

Put a stop to it asap, bringing up a child is hard enough without that idiocy going on around you. Don't be afraid to get angry - you will likely only have to do it once.

It would have only been awkward anyway with DM and DP there. I'm not saying they don't like each other but she has said a few times in the past that he isn't good enough for me.

She has made this comment without knowing the facts or true full story so I feel this has been unfair. DP isn't perfect (nobody is) but he isn't a bad person and he would never hurt me.

@MachineBee one of my aunties I believe. My dgm only visited after the birth