To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

[incogneto]

I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

As a mum who will be a DGM in a few weeks, I think she will get over it the moment she meets her new DGC. To be fair, she is a little unreasonable to expect to be there this is yours and your DP special time. Trust me it will all be forgotten in a jiffy when your baby is here. You may wish you had her there if my experience of DP’s at births is anything to go by😂

I had a doula and my sister at my births (as well as my husband). It was really lovely to have the emotional support - for both of us. We were in agreement about it, and I had long labours, so it was great for them to be able to tag team a bit.

I think it's a very individual choice though. I love my mum, but wouldn't have wanted her at the births, as she had very stressful births with all of us, and would have worried if anything didn't go according to plan.

She looked after my 1st and then my 2nd whilst subsequent children were born, and was with me in early labour for both, which was great.

I'm telling you this to counteract the pp who have all said it's weird to have anyone other than your partner at the birth.

That being said, it is such a personal choice. The people I had at the birth were all very respectful of our choices and melted away once the babies were born, to enable it to be just me and OH getting to know our new arrivals.

If you feel judged or stressed by someone at your birth you don't need them there. It sounds as though your mum will not add support in this situation.

Remember, all the way through it's your body and your decision. It's an intense and personal time, so anyone who makes you feel bad about your choices is not the person to be there.

Good luck for your induction, and don't worry about your mum. When you text to say that the baby's here she will be over asap, if nothing else to make sure she gets a cuddle before MIL!

Put a very firm stop to her being derogatory about your DP if you haven't already. That is NOT okay.

She's being disrespectful to him, and she's also being disrespectful to you, in not being respectful of your choice of partner.

Then she doesn’t even have the fact of ‘this is how it was for me’ as reason

I’d enjoy your last few days before baby arrives and try not to let this nonsense with your DM play on your mind.

Also forgot to mention my DM is a bit of a worrier. She has seen me in pain in the past when I was poorly and she was in tears, so I don't even think she would be the best choice of a birthing partner anyway because it's unlikely she would be able to cope if I'm in pain

I think you will have to set some clear boundaries for your DM. You sound very sensible but your DM sounds like a liability. Stay firm, look after yourself, your DP and your new baby and perhaps rope in another relative or close friend to ‘contain’ your DM.

Hi incogneto

It is difficult though as me and my mum have been quite close
this pregnancy and now it just feels really awkward
Sorry OP. It's only awkward because she's made it so. Stand firm and also strong in the hours/days following the birth as she sounds over invested on getting one up on your MIL.

Be clear about your expectations going forward so you don't feel overwhelmed by anyone too quickly after the birth. I know your mother will want to see the new baby a lot (which is fine I'm sure up to a point) but just ensure your sense of guilt doesn't lead you to over-compensate.

Also perhaps have a word with your DP about his mother: her competitive behaviour with your mum is not helpful either.

The sad thing is I know she won't speak to me unless I come to her first.
A pity - she'll be missing out but her (wrong) decision. You concentrate on the impending new baby, plus you and your partner.

Good luck to you and your new little family OP. 🌈🌷

Also, a massive WELL DONE for being brave enough to tell her how you really want it to be.x

You may be the young mum but she’s the one being immature.
Definitely don’t chase her. She’s being very selfish. She isn’t covering herself in glory as a mother just now, but bloody hell! She sounds like the MIL from hell.
Once she comes down off her high horse of course be kind and normal, but leave her in no doubt that your DH is your right arm, and not to be chipped at, and that as dad, he, along with you, is parent to this baby.
I bet your mum is the type to try and marginalise him in the delivery room, sending him out to get something to eat etc. because men can’t cope with long labours blah, blah.
I’m glad you are onto her rivalry with MIL, silly sods!
Well done for having the strength to tell her no to being in the delivery room. It must have been hard.

Hi op,congratulations on your baby boy,absolutely do not give in,not only will it set a precedence for future baby related events ,but you will regret backing down and hold a resentment for your dm which will have a negative impact on such a very special time for your little family of three.
Sit her down,calmly explain there are,and will be, boundaries and one of those is you and your dp will make joint decisions and she must respect your wishes and decisions about your baby.
Hopefully she will understand and be there to celebrate and support on your terms.

Well done for standing up for your own feelings.

I will say though, that it looks like you’re a first time mum going in for induction of labour. It’s very likely that this will be a long process, I’m an ex midwife and it wouldn’t be unusual for it to take days rather than hours. This is long and exhausting for birth partners as well as the labouring mum, and sometimes an extra support person can be helpful, provided that boundaries are set.

Thanks @MachineBee @Happynow001 @fluorescentorange

I'm going to have a chat with DP tonight I think about everything. His family can also be quite difficult and are expecting to be visiting every bloody day after birth. I'm going to say no visitors when we get home for the first few days, that includes both families.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking for that

Lightheartedly tell her only people at the conception are allowed at the birth?

@HostessTrolley You are correct

I understand the process can be really long and exhausting. I have told my mum that I will call her if she is needed.

I don't know how things will play out yet but I just know I don't want her there from the go ahead and if all is bearable then I want it to just be me and DP for the entirety

The sad thing is I know she won't speak to me unless I come to her first

Then she's being extremely foolish, and frankly the only thing I'd blame myself for is not being firm enough over this in the first place. We can't always have exactly what we want, and anyway what's the point in sulking over the birth when she's got her GC's entire life to enjoy?

You might as well start off as you mean to go on since otherwise this could get worse once baby's here - and I'd include in that mbosnz's suggestion about stopping the remarks on your DH

@Hadalifeonce

It's not your mum's baby, & she is behaving like a spoiled brat.

It's hard to believe she's had the cheek to go no-speakers with you - but proves that she believes your childbirth to be all about her. Very selfish & immature. Please don't get guilt-tripped into apologising, or even worse, backing down.

She is being unreasonable

The difficult thing is, she was supposed to be taking us to the hospital on Saturday morning.

I know she won't speak to me before then unless I initiate contact but it's not happening. She isn't getting an apology out of me as I've nothing to apologise for.

Oh well we shall figure it out one way or another.

" tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway."

Say what now?

Is it a tradition to have your mum there then?

Did your mum?

I could not think of anything worse-nor having her to stay after to "help".

We didn't tell anyone that PFB was here until some hours later.

Would have done the same with second-except ILs were coming over to look after PFB.

If you can't consider just yourself when giving birth-when can you??!!

The difficult thing is, she was supposed to be taking us to the hospital on Saturday morning.

Get a taxi.I wouldnt give her the satisfaction of reminding her for the lift.

I know my Mum would have loved, LOVED being with me during the birth of my children.

But birth is not a spectator sport. Many women really want their Mums there, may women want as few people as possible, and would find it overwhelming. The fact that your Mum is putting her feelings first and not being super sensitive in supporting what YOU want only goes to show that she would not, as it happens, be the ideal birth partner!

She has no right to guilt trip you and have a sulk about this.

Just tell her you got carried away to begin with , but as you approach the birth you realise that your privacy and nesting instincts are kicking in and you only want one person, plus a midwife because you have no choice.

I find it quite pathetic that her first response was to ask who had said something. Basically implying that MIL or DP had told me she couldn't be there.

Couldn't be further from the truth. Nobody but myself made this decision as I'm the one giving birth in the bloody first place! The more I think about it more pissed off I'm getting at her.

No you have no upset your mum. She has upset herself by expecting to be a lead role in something that is all about you.

This isn't about her. It isn't an opportunity for oneupmanship. It's the birth of a child ffs. You are the most important person there and you get to say who is and isn't there.

She still seems to be seeing you as an extension of herself rather than the independent adult you now are. She is being silly.

Do not apologise. Do not indulge her "she won't speak to me unless I come to her first". How childish is that? She wants you to come grovelling to her so she can guilt you some more and maintain the moral high ground when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
If my mother behaved like that, I would lose respect for her.

When me and exdp had ds, we considered asking his mum as he and all of his siblings were adopted. So we thought it may be a nice thing to do. Luckily before we’d told her we spoke again and both of us admitted we wanted just us. A few family members then made the assumption we would have her and said it in front of her. We then said no it was just going to be us. Luckily she was fine about it. She said to family ‘this is their experience not mine’, which I thought was spot on.

Hopefully your mum is just feeling a little disappointed and will come around.

As for my mum, she came over when I went into labour, she said ‘if exdp doesn’t get her in time I’m phoning the ambulance, but you are going by yourself, I’m not coming with you’ how motherly of her......

(Exdp got there in time and ds was born in hospital less than hour later).